Darkness Until Dawn

    I feel that when I was growing up, fake it till you make it seemed like a winning strategy. It seemed accepted. These days, some of the cracks in that philosophy seem more obvious. I feel like I hear more people talking about the importance of being genuine.      Fake it till you make it is most associated with a salesman known as Glenn W. Turner and is different from the psychological concept known as "acting as if" in that acting as if means to emulate qualities that you don't actually have such as confidence, but fake it till you make it is a philosophy that encourages dishonesty in social interactions in order to project a certain lifestyle or talent that isn't actually there. Presenting yourself as a great investor while hiding losses would be an example of fake it until you make it. Presenting yourself as confident while being honest about your performance would be acting as if.      Fake it till you make it goes hand in hand with Ableis...

    The question I come to in mental health these days is: what is realistic? Is it realistic to push the doctors and the medications so hard that my doctors quit and the meds cause ER visits? Is that realistic? I said this because I can't be the only frustrated one. I think that I've pushed the limits of psychiatry pretty well, from the feedback I've gotten.      So what is realistic? What is realistic with autism-adhd plus whatever you want to call whatever the rest of it might be? I'm trying to find out. Realistically, my job is to do what I am able, no less and no more, just like anyone else I suppose.       I feel I've attracted so much controversy that it blows my mind how much controversy there is. I almost want to get retested just so they can verify that yes, facts are facts. Autism is real. ADHD is real. The rest of it is... whatever the rest of it is. I'm not going to argue.       I'm just so tired of people bei...

Dear Psychiatry,     The 90s are over. It's time to move into the 21st century. To that end, I would like to summarize and reiterate a few key points. Autism is very real and affects about 2.8% of the population, including me. ADHD is very real, and affects about 11.8% of kids and 4.4% of adults, including me. HIPPA is very real and is important for keeping medical records valid and useful. Without reliable medical records, we cannot take good care of the population. It's important that patients are able to have trust in their providers.      I am guilty of relying strongly on medication. This is not the same thing as drug addiction. I have at times expected too much of medication. Medication can be very dangerous. I hope to take mine safely and privately.      I do not know what the future holds, but I need it to look different from the past. It is not my responsibility to educate the world on how medication can be safely used or misused. It is n...

     I feel like times of crisis can severely challenge self-image. Me, before all this happened, I thought I was the same things my counselor thinks I am: funny, nerdy, smart, odd, creative, autistic. Now I'm not sure what I am. At the hospital they seemed to see a different person. And I was in a dissociative episode, so I'm told, so maybe I was acting like a different person. It's hard to see myself the same again. It was a very strange experience in which I was conscious, but in an altered state of mind in which my memory and my emotions worked differently. It was similar to that time I had the car accident, and I was in a state of shock. It was very much like that.      The weird thing is, now I'm not sure how to act. I don't feel the same. I'm in the same place. I'm doing some of the same things. But my state of mind is different. Even my writing seems different. I'm not sure what to do with that.

     While I will never regret trying ketamine, these medications have certain side effects that can be quite scary. The biggest one that I've encountered is the one that landed in the hospital: sudden changes in heart rate and blood pressure. That will freak you right the hell out. I don't know if these medications can cause heart attacks or strokes, but you feel your heart going like a percussion set on steroids, you feel the surge of the pressure, you're going to be calling 911 like I did. If you have any sense, that is.       When I left the spravato center, they didn't check the vitals. I remember feeling off. I remember refusing to answer questions. And then I ended up in the hospital. These things can be dangerous. But at the same time, they have helped me so much. That's why I advocate for really well controlled access in controlled conditions to these medications. So that people can get relief in safe ways. I should have stayed at the center l...

      I do hope that life is meant to be beautiful. For me, though it may not be apparent, it has been a struggle and at times very dark. I want it to be beautiful. I want it to have happiness. I want it to be gentle and kind. I do not want strife. So, I am working on smoothing some of my rougher edges and increasing my tolerance. I am doing this so that life can seem more beautiful, and less like a war. I do get angry when people assume they know me or what it is like to be me, as if it is easy, as if I don't know what it is like to stare into the face of an abyss. I do know. I don't wish to agonize over the depravity, hate and struggle in this world anymore then I have to. I hate arguing. I just want to be. 

     I'd like to thank all the little rodents. They're quite tasty with a bottle of A-. I'd also like to thank the nurses and the doctors, while reminding everyone that we're all human (or vampiric bat, or Spider, or, well, you know...) and we all have our strengths and weaknesses, good times and bad.       I'm taking some time to review the site, after a bit of a cooling off period, some better sleep, and improved sinuses. I'm trying to get it in shape for showing ads. I need to focus, so I've improved my boundaries around online harassment, scammers, and beggars, because God knows I'm not a rich person and I have my own problems. My property is now protected by Vivint Security, to further discourage disruptive behavior. I do not have the finances, the will, the desire, or the time to put up with BS.