Darkness Until Dawn

 When you have health problems, relationships can become a challenge.      Perhaps the staff at Memorial has misunderstood. Desperation is a dangerous ingredient to the mind. You've known me, for better or for worse, for decades. You brought me out of a coma. You kept me alive. It's the workers on the ground that I appreciate the most. The low-level ones. I did not come there to learn names. I know you well enough. That's the whole damn point.      Someone keeps you alive, you tend to remember. It's been a long time since that first coma. 17 years old. 26 years ago. You knew me even before then. Some of you have been there the whole time and are getting ready to retire. So I wrote you the poem.  Safe Harbor Anyways, I mis-learned a bit. That's why I don't want the pills anymore. Just the bare minimum. Family doesn't like to remember these things. Big surprise.     But hospitals built me up. Not just one of you.      I just...

2 Do not return to MIP 3 Do not file reports before checking with Team 2 Do not talk to family 5 Do not think about law 5 Do not speak to or contemplate MIP 7 do not contemplate prescription medications 6 Stay home 5 Do not contemplate the general community 4 Dot not misplace anger 4 be careful with the sense of humor 1 Keep noise down 5 Do not get creative with dealing with the past 4 Do not try to help people atm 5 do not worry if internet connection comes in and out 5 if password reset links randomly show up, contemplate the positives and negatives of filing reports or saying weird things. 4 Mind my own business      That said, a thank you to my team for listening. I'll be quiet now. This is waaaaay too much like "The Departed"... from numb to very aware. No longer care. Not my business. I am not a federal agent. I am not undercover. I am minding my own business. Now I'm retired from medicine AND law enforcement. What else can I retire from?      I'd lik...

Oceans apart, day after day And I slowly go insane I hear your voice on the line But it doesn't stop the pain If I see you next to never But how can we say forever? Wherever you go , whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you I took for granted all the times That I thought would last somehow I hear the laughter, I taste the tears But I can't get near you now Oh, can't you see it, baby? You've got me going crazy Wherever you go, whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you I wonder how we can survive This romance But in the end , if I'm with you I'll take the chance Oh, can't you see it, baby? You've got me goin' crazy Wherever you go, whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you

     So all this talkin bout dreams... I've lived here a long time. I had hoped to do something for the city... maybe use my words... it's a beautiful city... so many different people... if I can remember enough... maybe write a little... help people know this city... it's more a matter of recall.       The memories are there, the psychologist at Clarity said. She said i can't access them, they are blocked.  I can't see the big picture. If I can piece it together, maybe the city can see what I see... so, I guess that's the thing I feel i can't give up. My personal resentments are a smaller thing. My concerns about prescriptions... somewhere in-between.       So maybe I can put a few rocks down, grab that chisel... hopefully, give people a good idea. Just don't ask me for names. People gotta live here.

My friends,      You got me to here. I want you to know that you are safe. There is no danger. I made it this far.       Do not worry. Molly has me with Coffee Pudding now. They are going to help me. I need to resolve this issue with the old guard. Please be patient. And do not worry. I believe Malacheck's death is suspicious. I'm very concerned about the medical decisions that were made. Some of the medications prescribed. I want our home to be safe. For everyone.       It will be ok. I hope I can trust my community to let me understand what happened. Why Malacheck is dead. What these medications did to my mind. Are they safe to be used this way. I was a minor. Decisions were made without independence. I want to understand. I want everyone to be safe. I need you to trust me. You know me. You know I don't want you harmed. That is not who I am. Ashes and dust

There may be a few more reasons the hospital gets frustrated.  I had been there so much. I knew every square inch. That's not good.  Then. The strange behavior... The child eats, sits, sleeps. The communicator talks too much. Tries to make friends. It was her idea. Blame #2. It wasn't me.  The gatekeeper is cryptic. Sorry, guys, this person is closed. Move Along Please.  The helper tries to help everyone Well, you know at crisis line we did this and that or have you heard of this resource here? Well, maybe quetiapine isn't right for you? The solver is thinking... You know, maybe they'll give me another Bipolar again. Man, Another diploma. F'hD. I passed Cyclothymic. I reached both I and II. Or maybe a GAD again? That worries me.  The continuing is on vacation on the outside. Sorry guys. Need some sun. Got some cooking to do. Love to Chat, On the flip side. The Protector is acting like security. Uh, Hey fellas we shouldn't be saying that to so and so. Not Cool. T...

     So, I was thinking. As usual. And I figured out the reason why the hospital staff alternated from confused to amused to frustrated. I generated 600 pages from one ten-day hospitalization. Let me unpack... 600 pages / 10 days = 60 pages of charting/day 60/ 24 = 2.5 PPH (pages pages per hour) No wonder they were annoyed.       But i got souvenirs. They were so kind as to mail my counselor a 600-page book of charting to review. She's still working on it. I wonder what I was like? She says it's mostly consistent with what she was told. She and my coffee must be good friends. Coffee is kinda hot. Of course I tell them everything, so they must be meant to be together. I hope they keep in touch. 

I thought I would explain threats of Harm in relation to Dissociation.  When someone with a dissociative disorder feels overstimulated or high adrenaline, they feel unsafe. For me, I activate the kill switch. I tell someone that seems safe. A professional. No one is in any danger. Dissociation is much like sleepwalking. Acting on past memories. It's not the same as psychosis, but it looks similar.  I figured out why I said I was thinking of harming my counselor. The same reason I told that employee at MIP i was thinking of harming her all those years ago. Activating the kill switch. The hospital had a half dozen security there. They gave me a shot of antipsychotics, moved me to IMU. Later, I felt safe again, and i was around her again. She was never in danger. I don't remember her name. But there is a law requiring notification of the person threatened. I knew that. I just wanted my counselor to know I was feeling unsafe. I felt like they were not letting me talk to her. So, I...

 I can never forget the Roscasch Test at MIP. I remember the inkblot that sometimes could be a butterfly. I said I saw "male sexual organs". The Test result came back as "internalized anger".  See that's where I get frustrated. If you're saying a teenager has internalized anger and they mention sexual organs, you should be flagging that person for abuse, teaching them boundaries, and not diagnosing bipolar or psychosis and chemicalizing them. That simply submerges the issue and then they go out into the world with poor boundaries, and they get in trouble. I'd really like mental hospitals to be more careful with medication and apply better boundaries with patients, especially young adults. Bipolar doesn't come out of thin air. The symptoms are learned. The behaviors are learned. You can't medicate that away. Putting people on antipsychotics for every little thing is the Psychiatrist's insanity. They see what they want to see in what a patient ...

 I was thinking about Springbrook. There were problems.  The nursing staff was incredibly gossipy and HIPPA was violated every single day. It was revolting. Something is interesting. Something's hearing is too good. But they need something to talk about, I guess. Awareness is helpful. But mindless gossip teaches the wrong things. It actually encourages Mindlessness. If you don't know what you're talking about, don't talk about someone in the building. You teach the wrong things.  The male attending psychiatrist needs sensitivity training. It's disgusting to see a man standing his workplace, literally in the middle of a public patient area, unloading about one of his patients to a staff member. Absolutely appalling. It's appalling when you lie to patient's face. Claiming to know a family member that you simply do not know is just stupid. Not helpful. And unethical. Attendings get desensitized. They say weird things. One blonde resident they used simply to pas...

Arson is the only attending I still know. Arson doesn't like Ashes and Dust very much. It reminds him of the failures of himself and his colleagues. The Medication Mania and Medicalized Depression they created. Then the staff is constantly having to sweep me up off the floor. He finds Rain depressing, then he develops Seasonal Affective Disorder. He's rather paranoid of Shadows. Afraid of Spiders. Unaware of Bob. Gets control issues with Gatekeepers. OCD like. Why is it always locked? Where's my key? He can't find Diamonds anywhere, so at least he can't steal them. Sometimes he talks to the Skye. As if the Skye is listening. He's not great with reflection, but I think he has projection mastered. But he needs Reinforcement. Sound a buzzer, maybe someone is listening. Send Small in, she's pretty, he'll listen to her. BUZZ! Wrongo. He's still working on extinction. He's been dipping into the regression. Now he's reaching for substance use, but i...

So apparently, I was wrong. I apologize. The 600 pages of documentation were not my entire record from that hospital. The 600 pages were the records of one ten day stay. Now it's becoming clearer. This is why MIP went on and on about "watching the bed" and how much it cost to "watch the bed". That bed must be fascinating. I guess understanding ethics is more complicated. Because what Malacheck, Prichards, Arson, Tott, Dolyart, Groans, and Rippit did or did not do back in the 90s with DSM Mania and Medicalized Depression, made them seem rather Bipolar to me. But maybe that's projection. Maybe I'm having Seasonal Disaffection. I used to like MIP, but that's back when we were both afraid of my father and I had hospital insurance, which not only paid better but it was their own insurance, so it was easier for them. When you have the government insurance, your popularity drops like a rock. It pays worse in general, doesn't cover the fancy patented dru...

 I'm thinking that maybe we're learning together. Me, the 600-page hospital, and the one next door. They seem a little nervous when I come visit. I was there only 6 minutes before appointment time and I had the code, but instead they had a security guard at the parking lot and no keypad lock.  I'm just glad the PA is not one of them. The old guard. I'm really disappointed in the old guard. Because I idolized my father. And he worked next door. And it seemed they didn't have proper independence. Diagnosis salad. First the adhd because I didn't learn fast enough. Then the depression because I was a disappointment. Then the bipolar because I pushed too hard and because psychosis was a convenient way to bury abuse red flags. Aspergers because of sensory integration issues and communication issues that came from fear and lack of trust plus isolation.  We're also learning about threats. A good way to avoid having patients threaten lawsuits and mailing out 600 page...

So I thought I'd maybe try to think about something a little less edgy. Because Malachecks death has been on my mind. You know, I uh, did appreciate Austen Riggs. They were very strict on medications. The most dangerous incident involved a woman pulling a knife on another woman over a man. She was permanently removed.  But then I got thinking about rTMS. Ah the new ECT. No more lightning bolt. Magnetic waves. They had to stop. The VNS was picking up the magnetic pulses. That may have been what caused the malfunction when the wire in my chest heated up. After that I stopped fiddling with the magnet so much. Leave well enough alone. There are some very good people that work in Healthcare. Who care very much. Who respect boundaries. I appreciate them very much. I hope they know that. I hope they remember.

 We'll be right back after these few lawsuits...

     Well, I'm going for broke. Cuz I am broke. in every sense of the word. I know my words too.      Got screwed over a good bit. But I'm back up for more. Just gotta go easy. I very much would like to survive this. So. I'm trying to recover my sense of humor. This has been really dark. I'm trying to remember the late Robin Williams. He knew how to laugh. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to remember.       Leaves of September.      I have to find something inside myself other than a mind screwed ... darkness.      I can still make people laugh. it's just hard to do it myself. Prichards and I need a word on that. Before I start calling McClean for a reservation. God as my witness... dead or alive... whether I live or die that man will stand in court of law and defend himself. I got your records jackass. I'm coming. Bury me? they said at CCBH. They said Ashes? Bury him. You're coming too, Prichards. I swear...

     So I found out earlier this year that Malacheck died. Yeah, Malacheck was an MD at some 600 page hospital... yeah, Malacheck worked there in the nineties... He worked with Prichards... they was partners... and they knew that fella that was yellin' at me last month... he was one of their partners... and they all worked together in the nineties... that fella has a big mouth... he should take his vacation days... think about his life choices... Because I'm getting rather pissed off... and some hospital just sent me 600 pages of names, dates, medications... all that crap... any hospital employee working somewhere that just sent me 600 pages of names and dates and facts should take their vacation days, think about their life choices, and shut their damn traps... because i'm getting pissed off...      But back to Malacheck... you see he worked with Prichards down yonder... then they went off and they had a practice not far... that was before Prichards went s...

There are certain people who should not contact me, whether directly, by third party, or by smoke signal. They shouldn't contact my professionals (outside of my caseworker). my neighbors. my friends. I want to be excruciatingly clear. Some people are so deliberately deaf. Y'all need to get with the program while you still can. If I have to keep going around the community, warning you via third person, it really looks bad. Especially when by now at least a half dozen professionals in this community know everything. Not just from what I said. There's documents. There's been professional to professional communication. The hospitals know. The centers know. The MDs, the social workers, etc. So for the awareness impaired, let me be clear. My brother is not to contact me, directly or indirectly. I will not be attending family events. You've been so stubborn and willful that I can't be around you. I'll visit with two of you at a time to keep things civil. Two of you...

  Ci sono alcune persone che non dovrebbero contattarmi, né direttamente, né tramite terzi, né tramite segnali di fumo. Non dovrebbero contattare i miei professionisti (a parte il mio assistente sociale), i miei vicini, i miei amici. Voglio chiarire con estrema chiarezza. Alcune persone sono deliberatamente sorde. Dovete tutti adeguarvi al programma finché potete. Se devo continuare a girare per la comunità, avvisandovi tramite terzi, la cosa fa davvero una brutta figura. Soprattutto perché ormai almeno una mezza dozzina di professionisti in questa comunità sa tutto. Non solo da quello che ho detto. Ci sono documenti. C'è stata comunicazione tra professionisti. Gli ospedali lo sanno. I centri lo sanno. I medici, gli assistenti sociali, ecc. Quindi, per chi ha problemi di coscienza, vorrei essere chiaro. Mio fratello non deve contattarmi, né direttamente né indirettamente. Non parteciperò a eventi familiari. Siete stati così testardi e ostinati che non posso starvi vicino. Farò visi...

A few days after I got out of the hospital where people were verbally attacking my counselor, I had me a dream. I picked me up the phone. "Yes? McClean? It's Ashes and Dust, remember me? Oh, you know, runnin' around. Say, I have a technician that threatened my counselor. Would you have a room available? The Mood Disorders and Psychotic Suite, please. A year? Oh no, this one's not that strong. Let's say three weeks. Yes. Crappiest food in the house. You know the drill. You can put her in the room next to Prichards and my brother. All the happy pills she wants. Hold the benzos. Every now and then, would you open the unit door so she can see the outside? Give her a chance to run. Not too far. Allow her to flood the bathtub, if you would. I'd appreciate if you could keep an extra room available, in case any other family members or health care professionals need an ethics refresher... forgettin thier boundaries, that kinda thing. I might have a moment of conscience....

Middle of August... mid 1990s... Gray sky... a slow gust of wind carrying a cloud of leaves... they rise and dance and run away... He looked up again and saw a flight of birds cutting the sky. He did not want to go. He did not want to stay. It was just past 7 A.M. He shifted his feet, looking up and down the road waiting for the vessel that would bring him down the street and towards the new place of learning. See, he had wanted to go to the local school. Just a mile away. It wasn't up to him. He remembered what had happened at the place before. He remembered just how dark it had become. He had played with fire before. The anger was catching up. As a child, he didn't think it could be so complicated. That was supposed to come later. There was a lot to prove.  Fire was a release. Oh he liked to see it burn. The light brought him comfort. The warmth was so soothing. Sometimes, he would get with friends and they would steal some liquor. Never really thought to drink it. But boy di...

Thank you for tuning into DarknessUntilDawn... I'd like to give a message from our usual Sponsors... the CDC, SCDHEC, ETC... Do not try this at home. After reading this message, click on "Personal Thoughts", "Medical", "Musical Diagnoses" and read the problem list. I literally took it right off a discharge summary.  If you are a patient, think about how carefully you take your medication, and how sick you want to be... If you have the power to prescribe... think about how sick you want your patients to be. Keep in mind those DEA numbers on your pads. They are there for a reason. If you are a health care professional... Keep HIPPA in mind when you work. Keep your patients' well-being in mind. Don't screw around with other professionals. Maintain independence. I've been thinking about South Carolina a lot. How it was. How it's changing. This is why I'd like people to tune into Poetry and "Carolina Drugs". Because I don't...

I've been thinking about Monday. Gotta hot date. This one's a looker, folks. Oh he likes my sense of humor. What should I talk about? So much on my mind... he learned my name pretty fast. We're going to a nice place. It's bright and well kept. I bet they love analogies. He likes it when I talk legal. It turns him on. He knows all my friends. I bet they are good with names. First names, last names, code names. We can play spy movie! Or clue! It was Doctor So and so with the xanax! It was professor XYZ with the roaming eyes! Oh dating is so much fun. This one has good nails. Physically fit. We can talk psychology! Extinction! Reflection! Validation! Annnnnd I feel so aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! Word play! And it feels so goooood! Orange you glad you met me? I peel better these days. I've learned so much. Tell me about your father?  I like my coffee with vanilla. We'll talk about the future. building bridges. Yep, the talkers got me all set. To talk with someone el...

Mental health requires a gentle touch. Some people should not work in mental health. some people do not understand boundaries. They think they are Gods. Then people get hurt. Talking too much is a one way. Scribing too freely is a surefire way. Both at the same time? Recipe for disaster. This is why some practitioners hate me right now. this is why they can't wait to shut me up. Because they know that I know their mistakes. I am their mistakes. And the results? A mychart a mile long. Word salad.  It was a long time ago. They were all partners. There weren't proper boundaries. There were some good intentions. But when the abusers know the providers and the providers know each other and the medication and diagnoses start flying too freely... by the time you're shipped off to McClean, it's a little late. by the time of the first coma, it's a little late. Birds of a feather... the victims together... Birds of a feather... psychiatrists together... Birds of a feather... ...

My sense of humor is getting misplaced. Too much projection. Too much anger. Too little sleep. Details become clearer. Maybe the counseling is working. Now I find the stages. Ten stages.  1. Suspicion  2. Discovery  3. Chaos  4. Grieving  5. Learning  6. Reaching out  7. Dependence  8. Acceptance  9. Resolution  10. Moving on

I keep going down this road. I don't know where it's going. They've been saying I was a lost cause for decades. Decades. Decades.  13 years old. I was already running. Never really stopped. But I'm still here.  There must be a reason.

It seems like yesterday But it was long ago Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights There in the darkness with the radio playing low, and And the secrets that we shared The mountains that we moved Caught like a wildfire out of control 'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove And I remember what she said to me How she swore that it never would end I remember how she held me oh-so-tight Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then Against the wind We were runnin' against the wind We were young and strong, we were runnin' against the wind The years rolled slowly past And I found myself alone Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends I found myself further and further from my home, and I Guess I lost my way There were oh-so-many roads I was living to run and running to live Never worried about paying or even how much I owed Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time Breaking all of the rules that would bend I began to find my...

Hopefully the weekend will be quiet. I have to be ready to report in on monday... don't need anything new to say... don't need any new complaints...  Oh the internist will be so proud... I'm not sure why... I guess because I'm still intact... Yep... I'll just enjoy my coffee... because when no one is running around and no one is causing trouble the community is so much nicer... the sun shines brighter... the pills taste nicer... everything is so wonderfully boring. I'll just keep taking those blue pills, cuz I'm sure no one's gonna give me red ones... because we don't need excitment... I like how they don't print out the papers anymore... I like just posting my mychart online... so everybody knows what not to do...  That hyperlypidemia one... too much olive oil? <shrug> I wonder what it will say this time? Seasonal happy disorder? Post hospitalization exhaustion syndrome? The PA's so good with words... maybe he'll quote a new law? M...

I tested high on abstract thinking. Achilles heel. All of these life concepts, all the creative thinking, the models of recovery and of religion and of different mental health processes... white boards are a trigger. I think too much I heard that by the time a writer is 20, he has enough to write for the rest of his life. By extension, by the time you're 20, you have enough experience to do plenty. Too much experience, too much knowledge? It's all bad computer program. Too much code. I'm calling different routines, losing myself in infinite loops, blue screens, 404s, and the like. Early in your life, if you don't develop confidence, strong boundaries, and a clear identity, you'll learn so many things, you'll be lost in all that information, and you'll have hackers coming in jamming up the program. You'll be in your head everyday, searching for the viruses that only exist in your mind. So I'm cutting code, closing backdoors, freeing up memory with the...

Today, I remembered something my coach said about 30 years ago. He said that practice makes perfect is not true. He said PRACTICE makes PERMANENT. I've practiced a lot of things... among them: wrestling, soccer, tennis, running, weights, dieting, psychology, taxes, IT, different relationships, writing and above all, mental health.  Some things became permanent. That's why I want to do less. That's why I want simple. I can't please everyone. I'm tired of trying.  What are the essentials?  Financial management Cooking Cleaning Home Maintenance Mindfulness Guitar (musical outlet) writing Hygiene Fresh Air Car maintenance Rest Caring for cat Boundaries (Also part of mindfulness) Spirituality Funny thing is, the medication and the psychiatrists don't teach you these things. At least most of mine didn't. One of mine definitely taught unhealthy relationships and medication dependence. The Psychiatrists taught me the DSM and then blame me for learning it. Brilliant....

I'm continuing to work with the counselor and PA on the relationships issue. Unfortunately, I spent so long in a medical bubble with people that are so very set in their ways that it's not easy to undo this. People resent it when you challenge their beliefs. Especially if it's connected to their careers.  They want to pretend that the overuse of prescriptions is ok. That poor boundaries are ok. They want to pretend that they are the teachers, and I am the student. I can still respect them as persons while not respecting their ignorance and their inappropriate conduct. I can still report them to government agencies if needed who can then remind them of the law. It's unfortunate when this becomes necessary. I do care about people, and the people that care about those people. Yet, if people get used to being able to treat you like crap, they will keep doing it, thinking it is their right. That is why my brother and I cannot be around each other.  I certainly hope I do not ...

This is the stuff memories are made of...  Wrong. This is how they get deconstructed. Carefully, with desensitization, suggestion, restructuring, patience, and privacy. Not that I particularly wish to reveal any secrets.  You have a building. You have a waiting room. You have windows, art, water ready and chilled, mints, white noise machines, proper ventilation and climate control, motion activated cameras to observe trigger levels, dissociative states, boundary issues. It is safe. It is calm. It is quiet, but not silent. You have interns, different types of professionals, including an MD.  You have the DID see the intern, the intern then reviews with the counselor, the counselor and the intern see the DID to go together as 3. The intern gets triggered by DID, who may lie down as child, pace as protector, analyze as solver, try to teach as helper, speak in code or legalistically as gatekeeper, make friends as communicator, or none of the above. The intern leaves, the coun...

Do I have regrets? Why yes I do. Let's prioritize some of the... less personal... there's overlap... here's a start. Not getting married in my thirties Suicide attempts Bad boundaries with family bad boundaries at work overly regimented lifestyle not putting myself first relying too much taking Minipress prescription drugs in general bad psychiatry Building egos time spent in hospitals too much tv too much education too much advice contacting people without permission worrying too much, not having fun too much alone time trying too hard not enjoying simple things talking to the wrong people not developing hobbies as well traveling too much sleeping too much

The thing I've noticed about the helper is that it seems to be created and reinforced by experience, much like the rest. The helper can get out of control. Manifest as a workaholic, a busybody...  Then with stress, it gets wierd. I transfer stress from part to part, moment in time to moment in time, supress or relieve with music, passphrases, numbers, memories, people, sensations... It gets outta hand, then it comes out in different physical symptoms, behaviors, communications, or it can mimic different mental health issues... there's so many to choose from... AS, Bipolar, unipolar, psychosis, adhd... everything. A different shrink, a different dx. That accounts for my troubled relationships with family members... social workers, docs, people with letters. I'm happy to let the next generation shine. I'm tired. The thing with dissociation is that it can easily resemble psychosis. And shrinks love psychosis. It's like crack to them. The excessive activity and abrupt c...

Spidey a liddle tired. Feeling calmer doh. Ebbyday a gnew day! Wemember be careful about di adult parts. Spidey not so bad. Di cat will be out to play.  🕸️

Casi muero. Tres veces. Tengo 43 años y vivo en Mauldin, Carolina del Sur. Estoy bajo la amenaza constante de desalojo. Soy discapacitado. Me esforcé demasiado. Estoy cansado. Estudié y trabajé en tres campos diferentes: contabilidad/impuestos, tecnología de la información y psicología. Estoy empezando a odiar a mi familia. Tengo una enfermedad compleja. Mi historial médico es interminable. Necesito bajar el ritmo. Hijo, dijo, ¿tengo una pequeña historia para ti? Lo que creías que era tu papá no era más que un... Mientras estabas solo en casa a los trece años, tu verdadero papá se estaba muriendo, siento que no lo hayas visto, pero me alegra que hayamos hablado... Oh, yo, oh, sigo viva. Oye, yo, yo, oh, sigo viva. Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva. Oye... oh... Oh, camina lentamente, cruza la habitación de un joven. Dijo que estoy lista... para ti. No recuerdo nada hasta el día de hoy. Excepto la mirada, la mirada... Oh, ya sabes dónde, ahora no puedo ver, solo miro fijamente... Yo, sigo viva. Oy...

 El DID no existe... Yo no existo... No te importa este sitio web... Quieres quedarte en casa y ocuparte de tus asuntos... No quieres llamar... No quieres enviar mensajes... No quieres que nadie más lo haga para informar... No quieres visitar... Quieres ocuparte de tus asuntos...

 DID n'existe pas... Je n'existe pas... Vous n'êtes pas intéressé par ce site... Vous voulez rester à la maison et vous occuper de vos affaires... Tu ne veux pas appeler... Vous ne voulez pas envoyer de messages... Vous ne voulez pas que quelqu'un d'autre le fasse à votre place... Tu ne veux pas visiter... Vous voulez vous occuper de vos affaires...

 Il DID non esiste... Io non esisto... Non ti interessa questo sito web... Vuoi stare a casa e farti gli affari tuoi... Non vuoi chiamare... Non vuoi mandare messaggi... Non vuoi che qualcun altro lo faccia per riferirti... Non vuoi visitare... Vuoi farti gli affari tuoi...

DID does not exist... I do not exist... You do not care about this website... You want to stay home and mind your own business... You do not want to call... You do not want to text... You do not want to have someone else do so to report back... You do not want to visit... You want to mind your own business...

 It starts with a memory... Just a whisper of a yesterday... Do you see me seeing? Do you see my dreams? Do you want to remember? What can I forget? And from there it builds... the scripts don't fix this... the scripts they created this... They build it up... the mind takes it from there... And suddenly the world is different. I've never seen SWAT in action. Never had the desire. But i have a vivid imagination. And this morning, in the darkness they came... Through the silence I could hear sirens everywhere... men, in cars unmarked, marked, coming from everywhere with their guns and their badges, their body armor and their grim faces...  And then it was gone. washed away... washed away by the talkers...  2 to 7 to 5 to 3 to 4 to 3 to 6... And then I wash away.

Sara, vive da sola   Studia, e poi lavora Sara, non ha paura Sara è già più grande della sua età Sarà, fuori è felice Dentro, a volte è triste Sara, la vita è strana Sara come sei sei solo tu...   Oh Sara Che cammini sotto il sole Hai deciso di partire Per cercare un'altra vita Da seguire Oh Sara Che cammini verso il sole Contro gli altri contro tutti Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante Della vita...   Sara, si sente sola Sara ora è lontana Chiama, due volte al mese Dice che per ora lei non tornerà Sara, ha un grande sogno Vuole, cambiare il mondo Sara, è un nuovo giorno Sara come sei sei solo tu...   Oh Sara Che cammini sotto il sole Hai deciso di partire Per cercare un'altra vita Da seguire Oh Sara Che cammini verso il sole Contro gli altri contro tutti Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante Della vita...   Tu, lo, sai, che, sei Nelle mani tue... Tu, lo, sai, che, sei Nelle mani tue... ...

So, if anyone has any questions about how to treat my professionals with respect, I refer you to your ethics requirements from your licensures, South Carolina State Law, Federal Law (including but not limited to HIPPA), SCDHEC, DSS, THE MEDICAL BOARD OF THE STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA, OR IF NECCESSARY TO THE POLICE OR A COURT OF LAW.  You don't want to follow the law? Try me. ANY QUESTIONS? ANYONE? ANYONE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, PLEASE? NO? SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS.

Oh, the Internist is gonna be so proud. I love to make my doctors PROUD.  Now it's brain fog. But hey, lost a lot of weight and stopped ADHD medication. Plus flashbacks of hospitals and of multiple near death experiences. My brain is tired.  So it's more of the same. Rest, mild exercise, nutrition, electrolyte water, calm app.  Do I revel in being miserable? Not quite. Seriously, you try stopping Clozaril after 21 years and see what happens. You stop retaining water, you stop wanting to eat, headaches, flashbacks, moodswings, BP changes, heart rate drops, even your body temperature is different. Slightly lower. Fatigue, nausea, tingling, twitches, tinnitus... feeling narcoleptic because you don't sleep deeply.  But seriously, if that stuff was helping, how did I manage to OD on three bottles of scripts while on a therapeutic dose? Anyone? Anyone at all? It wasn't helping. So now the chemically suppressed memories and emotions come out and the body struggles to keep t...

Some say love, it is a river That drowns the tender reed Some say love, it is a razor That leaves your soul to bleed Some say love, it is a hunger An endless aching need I say love, it is a flower And you, its only seed It's the heart afraid of breaking That never learns to dance It's the dream afraid of waking That never takes the chance It's the one who won't be taking Who cannot seem to give And the soul, afraid of dying That never learns to live When the night has been too lonely And the road has been too long And you think that love is only For the lucky and the strong Just remember in the winter Far beneath the bitter snows Lies the seed that with the sun's love In the spring becomes the rose

Anyways. So, meds are not the ultimate solution Diagnoses are not the ultimate solution. Genetics and chemicals? Well, I'm gonna go back to the nature vs nuture. All of these disorders? Well people like to look for answers or find causes or demons. Some people jump to look at their genes... others find a chemical or food or an environmental factor such as electronic devices or the weather... History plays a role, in combination with the rest. I do not doubt that any of the disorders are not "real". They are complex. Autism, ADHD, Depression of whatever type, and Dissociation. The thing I noticed about Covid was how psychological it became. People did die. I tested positive at one point. For me it was like a mild flu. But I saw people thinking they had it when they didn't, time after time. The thing that lasted was that autism spectrum seemed to become more widely known. I had to think about that.  ADHD... I've seen so often, parents of kids with ADHD, they get foc...

So, I've been thinking more about boundaries and minding one's own business. I used to not have the slightest understanding of boundaries. I applied rules. Simplistic ones. Then I came off Clozaril and my feelings opened up. Man. Coming off Minipress was an extremely frightening experience. Shit got epically real in all the wrong ways. Do not ever take that red pill. Don't do it. I'm telling you. Those things are highly dangerous.  Coming off Clozaril was much different. It was like leaving the matrix and seeing reality for the first time. Both the internal reality and the external. Oh, Prichards was angry. He was no longer God. He was also afraid. He was afraid for the world to see what he had created. And then everyone was afraid. I didn't like what I saw in many cases. People didn't like that I could see. I could see the fakeness. I could see the façades. I could see the corruption. I could see the dirt, and the ugliness. Oh they came up with all sorts of nam...

Cross your fingers folks. I told my family how the community feels. They stopped talking for once. Maybe they actually heard you this time. Doctors, nurses, techs, hold your breath. Maybe my family will go easy. I told them what you said. All the pissed off parts, pretty much. 

Today is Easter. There were periods of months that I did not know what day it was. I am closer to the ground and yet I open my eyes and the world is so far away. I am long past the point of no return. Whoever or whatever I was, that person is long gone. As much as MIP or people in my life would like to drag me back into what I once appeared to be, it is simply not possible. I was a drugged body with emotions laid on top of a broken mind. My life was and still is a living nightmare. The darkness was drugged into the background, and now it is an open wound.  I am still broken. That doesn't change quickly. It doesn't change easily. You may not see it just by looking at me, but look more deeply and you will see the pieces of me. It hurts to smile. It's difficult to laugh. My memory is in disarray. Physically, I am whole. This mind is damaged. Don't try to drag me out, you won't like what you see. Don't try to fix me, it will blow up in your face.  My head hurts ever...

I do not like weapons. I bought my first self-defense weapon in 2024. I say that because it was the first time I bought a weapon with the intention to defend my person long term.  It happened during tax season. One too many verbal assaults. There were 2 I can remember considering contacting law enforcement. A big guy that started screaming "BULLSHIT" when I tried to explain that I could not deduct certain trucker expenses due to changes in the tax law. It took multiple employees from multiple offices to talk him down. The woman that would not stop pressuring me to base a tax return off an online estimate and started screaming. There was a mentally ill woman who would not go away. A smooth-talking Northeasterner that would not stop contacting me. A bully who the women wouldn't work with. Yay for being male. There was one that came back, insisting on voiding a signed document that had already been processed. I'm a fairly big guy. It's not incredibly often people try...

 Dear Public, Do not take drugs. DRUGS COME FROM PHARMACIES. FOR ANYONE WILLFULLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION, THIS SHIT KILLS YOU. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. THEY WILL NUMB YOU OUT. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS, THEY DISTORT YOUR JUDGEMENT. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. YOU END UP MESSED UP. For further details, please consult "Personal Thoughts", "Personal Thoughts - medical", or ask to see my mychart, then consult an LPC.  DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. Thank You.

Let's see, what's the latest bullshit? It's circulating widely. The DSM is getting vaguer. People keep talking bullshit, they find new words for it... Something wrapped up and resold every day. That's why I have to persistently unwrap this stuff. Demystify. So we can all know it for the Bullshit that it is.  How many drugs can we repackage in different ways? I want people to know how this shit kills you. I want them to see the myChart. I want them to see the problem list. Let's just publish it all. We'll make pamphlets and fliers... RITALIN, GET YOUR RITALIN! Lithium! Seroquel! See how fast it kills you! Liver damage, Nausea, Constipation, BP changes, EKGS, GET YOUR EKGS! Wanna a resting pulse of 95-100? Take your Clozaril, call me in the morning about the cravings, the immune system, check with a nutritionist 50 times a year. Oh you'll be strong. Completely Numb. Spaced out. Useless. A complete burden on society. One day at a time, a few hundred mg... You...

Carolina Drugs! ((Chorus)) Carolina...knows how to drug me! Carolina...knows how to drug me! In the citaaay of GSP (yeah, yeah) In the citaaay of good ol' gReedy In the citaaay, the city of Maudlin We keep it druggin! We keep it druggin! Yeah! Now let me welcome every patient to the mild, mild South! A state that's untouchable like Jesus himself. The pills hit ya esophagus and soon ya depressed Pack a script in your pocket, seek out EMS We inna Palmetto state wit our gospel and country  A state where ya never find a waiting room empty Pharms on a mission for the perfect drug Selling it up with the CHING and a snarky shrug I been in the game for 30 years bein loons Now Memorial switched itself to Maroons Back in '97 they used to chart me N watch me Scrubs shinin like I robbed tha supply room It's all blessed, from the foothills to tha harbor My minds running around, back and forth, now it's farther Throw up a script if ya think they fixed me Ashes puttin it down for ...