Darkness Until Dawn

I've moved from a deep freeze to semi freeze and now i seem to shift between a mild fight state and mild shutdown. The fight state involves more GI upset and increased BP and temperature.  They call it polyvagal theory. The engagement zone, the freeze zone, the fight zone. There's much more detail but I'm still learning the truth and unlearning the Bipolar bullshit and toxic masculinity. But I truly was screwed over by psychiatrists addicted to their own ideas of importance, ignoring red flags, overprescribing, and endangering this community with limited understanding of fight/flight symptoms, dinosauric theory, and a list of patented drugs that numb and alter behavior.  I helped them do it. I'm no longer helping them. There are others that are numbed and walking around with their issues. That ignore their reality. Sometimes medication is necessary. It should be used with caution. Men aren't dangerous unless they are taught to be dangerous. And even then, they have ...

I struggle with patience. A traumatic event on top of a sudden increase in awareness is not a recipe for understanding. Being highly analytical is not a recipe for patience. The memory blocks and processing problems make tasks difficult. I'm too eager to engage. I slip into complacency. I look around and I see denial almost everywhere. People dripping with ignorance and yet only too sure of themselves. People with letters engaging in fits of incompetence and then disappointed at the results. Thinking that surely it's not that hard. Thinking that they are special. Thinking that they can see through the issues and fix me. It's not that it amuses me to see them fail or even that I want them to fail. I'm just amazed that they are wasting thier energy and engaging in such delusions. They called Prichards the magic maker. Now everyone wants to fix me and no one can. They wonder how I learned to idealize and engage in delusions when they themselves taught me line by line. They...

10. Rage Psychosis like behavior. Defensive, abrupt, sometimes paranoia. Visual changes, fading out, hearing changes, faraway. Ranting. Intense fear. 9. Fury, hostile, closed. No longer listening. 8. Anger, impatient ^ Danger ^ 7. Cautious, Irritable 6. Nervous/Alarmed 5. Overstimulated/stressed ^ Too activated ^ 4. Peak, headache, fatigue, losing focus 3. Engrossed 2. Pleasant engagement  ^ Productive ^ 1. Unoccupied, attentive, curious 0. Bored/tired. Slightly dreamy. Adhd like.