Darkness Until Dawn

I regret not getting the right help sooner. I regret going to mip again. I regret not being more focused on something I was truly passionate about. I regret not communicating better. I regret not focusing on resolving this much much sooner. I feel like it didn’t have to get this bad. I have many good qualities, how did it get this bad?

  Jess where are you hiding?

  Sarah don't go after her!!!

     I'm getting caught up in the negativity and recriminations. But I'm trying to have compassion. It didn't used to be like this. MIP used to be my safe zone. I'm trying to look beyond the disagreement over my care. I just need to make it until the pristiq refill comes in. I'll try mycharting memorial again. I know ive been stable for long periods before. I know i can do it again. I feel like I have too much time alone but im not communicating well and I don't know how that changes.

      I saw a post on a social media site about humility. It really rang true with me, because regardless of what my real diagnosis is or isn't, it's widely agreed that I have one. The post said that it's important to remain humble, because at any point you could get a dx that could change your entire life. I'm told I'll never have a normal life, regardless of what my dx is or isn't. I count myself lucky to have known all the people I have known. I really do. I've met some great people in my lifetime. I hope and pray that I have more good times ahead of me. I have trouble keeping the faith, but regardless I hope that I can be a light, even when I struggle to see that light. 

Hospitals are supposed to be places of healing. But when they allow rumors and bullshit to flow like water, its hard to maintain faith. I need to get my meds refilled and keep reaching within for that faith and that perseverance, because i do feel disillusioned. And i hate that because I truly believe in medicine and faith and the power to heal. I dont want to turn from supporting healthcare professionals to hating them. It's just so not the way. i need to find that faith and really hold onto it with all my strength.

      So now Adsense is on this thing about not too many pictures or videos and a quality experience with enough original words. So, I'm increasing my posts with totally original words and trying to make sure my little song remixes are original and not flat regurgitations or anything like that. Hopefully adsense will see that I'm creating something unique and that people are actually reading and allow me to post some ads because this website costs time and money to maintain and I've been through a lot, even if people like to disagree on the details and a warm f*** you to Ableists and revisionists of my personal medical trauma. I'm so sick of these a*holes that collect at psych providers offering unsolicited opinions on pain and history that they know little to nothing about.      Anyways, I hope since adsense offers little specific feedback or even a way to discuss it with a human or even a robot that soon they find the wisdom to approve my sight or help me...

  There was a place i knew a time so very long ago... Where people came to say the words that they couldn't find in the world beyond. The flames of frustration licked upon their bitter souls But I found some angels whereupon I ventured to find a life beyond recriminations And save a soul or two I missed the boat on a few of my ventures And yet to that dream I still hold true. And it's for my angels that I hold true.  It's for my angels that I hold true. 

      Today I took a break from my usual frustrations. I've been gradually getting back into exercise. I saw a friend. But I'm trying very hard to focus on going steadily. I got a little lost in the past, sometimes I still do, but I'm focusing on keeping my emotional balance and staying present. 

      Anyways, I've gotten a little frustrated along the way. But if you can follow sentences then you can follow the history. It all started at MIP... with diagnoses like ADHD, Aspergers, and Bipolar. Then there was McClean, then Lost'n Rigged, then back down here with Prichards, and they added dissociation under the medical cPTSD umbrella with Leaves, then Molly added DID and Bipolar became a point of disagreement, then Prichards quit and I went back to MIP and the outpatient there with Artstick and coffee, then CCBH, Springbrook, then MIP again, and it was one big beautiful chaos. Inbetween, Leaves and Molly talked. Artstick and molly talked. then MIP tried to get rid of molly. Now here I am. I'm back with Molly, Artstick, and Coffee.     What I think we can all agree on is that there is a very real problem(s). We sometimes disagree on the exact nature of that problem(s) and its solution(s). What I have to focus on is my life outside of hospitals. Because it'...

I'm taking a vacation day because I'm really not myself without the pristiq.

     I don't actually expect MIP to give a damn. It's tribalism at work. I certainly don't expect CCBH to have any desire to admit fault or acknowledge facts. I don't expect my brother and I to ever see eye to eye.      What I can't tolerate is the targeting and the condescension. The patronizing. I'm tired of the same old bullshit. I prefer to keep my distance. It's clear that no one was listening at any point in March other than my counselor. Which is why I didn't try very hard. It's not repairable and it's not worth it. Maybe we've gone from time to think to time to stay away. Because otherwise it's just more of the same. I don't see how so many years of psychiatric shenanigans gets a reset because everyone has decided on their facts and the bad guy(s).      I guess I thought that with humor and holding back I could change the dynamic. But that doesn't seem to be proving true.      What I do expect is that I will get my meds...

This is how we blew it (This is how we blew it) (This is how we blew it)   This is how we blew it It was inpatient night and I felt like a fight The screwup was there on southwest side So I reach for my BP and I turn it up Designated doc take the keys to my chart   Hit the ward 'cause I'm faded LPC's in the street say, Ash, you jaded I feel so screwed by my crew tonight The summertime jerks and my guys in the ward All the STAFFERs DIDN'T forget the TEXTING You gotta get your dx on before you go get discharged So light up your chart and throw your hands up And let me hear the staffers say   I'm kinda puzzed and it's all because (This is how we blew it) Southwest does it like nobody does   (This is how we blew it) To all my doctors, you got much gall (This is how we blew it) Let's fuck with the mind, mouth off with a rhyme (This is how we blew it)   This is how we blew it, throw scripts up in the air Disburse them from here to there If you're an ...

 Spidey gets to have emotions too. Spidey dudent knead di hospitals! Spidey take care of self. Molly help.

      Perfectionism can be an ugly thing. That person who cannot accept anything unless it just right. From the boss who wants reports in detail and pretty handwriting with all the gushing and fakeness and idealization of the job and the organization from the hospital that tries to mold patients into perfect citizens without any real concept of humanity, life can be beautifully ugly at times. People will always find something to criticize NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. It is human nature to find imperfection. It is human nature to complain.      But where does perfect become too perfect? Where is the line on good enough? Do I look attractive enough? Healthy enough? Happy enough? Do I have enough money and status symbols? Does my family echo the very model of perfection regardless of the reality? Do I prattle on with excessive words about how great I am long after it is clear that no one is listening? Some people do. Here I am, in earthly purgatory to expunge my sin...

    Hospitals are magnets for potential abuse. You get that many people having a hard time having it together and you have a recipe for disaster. Close quarters, lack of privacy, competing interests... all kinds of unhealthy behavior come out.      Take MIP, for example. I know for certain you would not believe me if I described to you the degree of targeting that occurred. Was I given a chance to apologize to the nurse for contacting her that ONE day a VERY VERY LONG TIME AGO when I wasn't feeling well and I was wanting her to protect me like she had before? Did they even ask once why I contacted her? Did they even give a shit or were they too interested in taking out their anger, from patients to nurses to techs? No. They were not. No, I was not given a chance to apologize to her or to explain why. They want to turn hospitals into toxic messes, they certainly know how. It's called Targeting. It doesn't matter why you're having a bad day. Maybe you're depressed...