Hospital just habbing a tizzy fit obber Elle. I've known where she lives for years. So what? I knew where leaves was. Where molly was. So what? Thats what I don't understand. They were all right here. Big deal.
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You knooooooow....
That gives me an idea. What they need is a dating service that specializes in psychiatric nurses and mental health techs.
Di hospital got concerned because one night, Spidey was talking to di staff... said how much he appreciates Elle. And dey said, oh, you mean Elle *lastname*? Knot spideys fault dey gab spidey her last name. Wellllll.... didn't take long. Background check. Der she was. She lives down the road. Not far. Not far at all. Dats why I knew I needed counseling. When I say she understands trauma... I'm not kidding. The background check said it all. So that's why the hospital worries. But really. I've known where she lived for years. Never went there. Had to delete. Spidey gets a liddle mixed up. Di nurses... sometimes dey understood. Sometimes knot. Leaves understood. I'm not always good at talking to people, and family can be difficult. They don't get it. Not at all. They'd rather lock me up. Force medicate. Makes talking to them difficult. They totally don't get it. Not even close. I always liked mental health workers. The...
admission, p1
It was June. Jessica had arrived at the hospital per the instructions of the psychiatrist. The sun was shining down on the campus and the parking lot was as full as always. Hospital staffers would hurry along on dedicated pathways between buildings in ones and twos. The light was faded from her eyes, but she had that spark that would not die. She hiked up her backpack of clothes and walked up the steps and under the archway towards the main unit. To the right and left, the mauve brick and brown doors of the wings surrounded her. her footsteps and the distant sound of traffic filled her ears. To her left, the glass wall of the cafeteria came up... the outpatient office on the right, visitor's entrance on the left. And now she had reached the glass sets of double doors that was North Wing. They were expecting her, she had been told. They came and let her in, the admitting nurse, a nurse by the name of Frank, a muscular man with dark skin and ...
PIM
Time for some reverse psychology. This should be fun. I love screwing with people. Since they keep inviting me back, I'll do an imaginary hospitalization. That way it can go perfectly, and the insurance won't even have to be involved. Let's see... we'll have all of the me's there. all 8. even numero ocho. Jess usually gets things started. Or should we make it more interesting? I've got an idea. They like to talk about this "danger to self or others." Let's be both. Oh wait. #1 doesn't qualify for the adult unit. sooo... 2-8. Oh I've got an idea. Perfect. I think 5 has OCD. I wonder if I can remember the schedule? probably not. Let me pick out some staff... there's krystal... we can call that guy Rick... there's red... Kat? ... i can call him Frank... I don't remember her name... we can make her a heather... Arson, small... I'll add an angela... let's have a melissa... we can have a Kyle... let's do a weeke...
How it Ends...
So, I guess I don't qualify for FDIA because I have, in fact, had mental illness. But the way I figure it, there's a few ways this could end for me. 1. I prove to be such a public embarrassment that either my family (not likely) or the hospital system (becoming somewhat likely) says fuck it, we don't want to play anymore 2. I die 3. DSS or law enforcement intervenes (yeah, right) 4. certain people seek counseling voluntarily (not likely) 5. I cut off contact with my family and use Bon Secors if necessary. (Becoming likely) 6. I move away (not financially possible) Otherwise, I will be highly medicated and always get the blame and they will always try to fix me. I just don't know how they will ever be happy. We've been doing this so long. I've been through so many hospitals. It's just ridiculous. I am the one they couldn't perfect. Oh well, back to keeping up appearances. I've got a headache and I've been nauseous with all this. I just do...
FDIA
I think I do have FDIA. I know my family and the hospital both check this website. I know this for a fact because they both use information that I only post to the website. And my family tries to fix me and the hospital tries to fix me. Because I'm the name. And I have to look perfect. W hen things go wrong, they get to look like heroes for fixing the name. Not enough to ship me out of state. Not enough to do ECT, VNS, rTMS. We gotta perfect. And have someone to blame when it's convenient to do so. But no, the FDIA just won't shut up and play along. He won't be his bipolar and suck it up like a good insanity. I think it's fucked up. I think I deserve space and privacy and choices. I think they just can't give up control. They'd rather have me living in their doll house. What I need is a plan to buy the house or to move. A realistic, black and white plan. And some privacy. So I can focus on something other than interhospi...
War and Peace
I have some personal business to resolve. It gets complicated. Because I do know my families rather well and I'm caught between them. The one family owns the building I live in and the other family owns the hospital and the building with the first family's name on it. Who is protecting whom, here? They keep inviting me back to the IOP and the inpatient. I think of inpatient, and I think of World War One and trench warfare. We know each other too well. But part of me pictures a "Christmas ceasefire" type moment. A moment in which people come together to acknowledge that we're all human and that we don't want to fight anymore. Another part of me sees them as too interested in protecting my family and not actually working for me. Funny thing is, I actually like Arson. Small is sweet. But what I need is to not be overmedicalized, not be caught between families, and focus on doing something productive in my own life on the outside. Being ...
Thank You
Dear Elly, I needed to thank you. I needed someone to trust. You did well. I'm sorry about asking for the hug. I'm sorry they started calling you my girlfriend. But I think you should be proud. I think you did the right thing. I'm proud of you for that. I'm proud of what you taught me. I'm glad you were there. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to please everyone at once. So far, my track record isn't great. Ashes
Traffic Control
I'm used to flying under the radar. I'm used to keeping my anger hidden. I'm used to people waiting until I'm in the ER or until I'm buying guns or talking about death to want to do something about it. This medical has warped my mind. I see everything in terms of medical. Social time with certain medical staff makes it worse. Discussing medical has become my kryptonite. I worry about what I say, what I don't say. It's not actually my concern to have clozaril banned. People have to choose to see the negative effects and choose to use alternatives. Perception is powerful. A medication helps if you believe it helps, but you may not see how it warps your perception. Strength means sticking to the truth and to what's right without warping your mind with unnecessary medications, dysfunctional relationships, or unhealthy beliefs. I know their hospitals. I know there are weaknesses in the system. B...
Mirapex
I do believe that Mirapex can be very dangerous. It is a dopamine agonist. It directly increases dopamine activity in the brain. The reward chemical. So it feels like you have done something good, even when you haven't. When you're on Mirapex, especially higher doses, your addictive behavior can get out of control. You don't recognize consequences as well. You'll be that rat in the cage, hitting the lever again and again. Never learning. I know this for a fact. I've seen it in both myself and other people on mirapex. People with addictions or the potential for addictions should not take large doses of mirapex. It changes your behavior even in small doses.
My Women and Game Theory
I think it's important to realize the limits of humanity. I think it's important to realize the costs of idealization. That's a large part of where my CBT education went wrong. I'm trying to apply game theory to my life. Making decisions that are interdependent. It's not just about impulsive or not impulsive. There's a problem with the me first, laissez-faire thinking. CBT can make it worse. When things aren't going right in your life, CBT is like benzos. Teaches you that it's good enough the way it is. That's what it did for me. And that's wrong. Change is necessary. Apathy is not helpful. But change has to be based on interdependent decisions. If I'm not considering how my decision effects people that I care about, then I will make bad decisions. I have to do what's right for both me AND the group. That's the only way to win. I was taught that I was either defective LD unstable unreliable or th...
