Darkness Until Dawn

Ebbybuddy loves Spidey... ebben when he ain't tidy... when he gets to play cupid, den he starts to look stupid, but ebbybuddy love spidey....

 Less angry, more metaphors... less angry, more metaphors...

Ebby now and den MIP tries to reposess me.

  Dear Elle,     The bills, they just add up. It's a struggle to hold a job. There are angry, hateful people in this world. It's hard to know what to do about that. Life gets complicated. I can't find enough metaphors. I don't have all the answers. They act like I should. I don't know how to talk to people. I thought I did. I really did. Sometimes I wish the world didn't need words. I know I missed the boat on simple. The cat understands. He goes out to visit his friends every day, but he always comes back. Sometimes I wish for the days when people wrote letters. I had the story in my head, but it keeps getting pushed out. Maybe someday I'll find those metaphors. I'll keep looking. You weren't there to keep me safe.  Ashes

 

      I know Arson pretty well. I'm pretty sure I know why he said that. I'm not so great at communicating in person. I know some members of the mental health community check this blog. Sometimes it's awkward. But overall, I'm glad. It's like having people watching over me. I worry what people think. Sometimes they jump to conclusions. But a reasonable person, taking what I say in whole, gets a pretty decent picture. My BP was initially 154 or so over 94 at the internist. Then it was 124 over 70 something. It jumps up and down in health care facilities. Does that all the time. But it's nice to be home. 

  "Excuse me, where can I find your bottles of blood??"

 

 

 

 works for all of about ten seconds. 

 

    Vell, let's see what Home Freako has on sale today! Hmmmmm... Zis isle has zee Mental Health Problems... no... I think we have those... 

     Trauma can manifest in various ways, including emotional, psychological, and physical symptoms. Emotional signs include persistent sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, shame, and guilt. Psychological signs can include intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty concentrating, and avoidance of trauma reminders. Physical signs may include sleep disturbances, fatigue, aches and pains, and changes in appetite or eating patterns.  Here's a more detailed breakdown: Emotional and Psychological Signs: Intrusive thoughts and memories: Recurring, unwanted thoughts, images, or sensations related to the traumatic event according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).  Flashbacks: * Feeling as though the traumatic event is happening again in the present moment. * Nightmares: Disturbing dreams related to the trauma. (I don't remember dreams usually) Avoidance: ** Actively trying to avoid places, people, activities, or even thoughts and feelings associat...

      Counseling costs money, yes, and it brings problems out into the open for people to see. I can't just gloss over my problems though. I'm a real person, and I need people to see that. Pride is a dangerous thing. Refusing to accept help is a dangerous thing. I do fear people knowing all of me. But rather than hide my problems and walk around with them, I want to deal with them.       I like what I'm learning about lifestyle. My blood sugar is lower, and I have more realistic view of medication. I'm spending less, and I'm more careful about spending. I'm taking some risks. I'm definitely making mistakes.       I can't be nice all the time; it leads to problems like anger issues. I've not learned the art of dealing bad news as well as I thought. My self-image was rigid and unrealistic. I'm not sure how others see me, other than inconsistent.      It's difficult being alone. But it's dangerous to be in unhealthy rela...

     But I need to communicate better. Otherwise, it's just back and forth. I know there are people rooting for me. My friends from grade school. My nieces and nephews. But every time I talk to someone it seems like something gets miscommunicated. It seems like a push and pull. Like conversations are battles. Except for a very few key people. The internist seemed a bit mystified, but I got what I needed. She was very helpful. A shot and some recommendations for my ears and stomach.

     When im able to write, it brings me happiness. Just not able to do it very much. Well. Today is day 2 back on ritalin. We knew there was a chance for bumps. I need to be patient. Sometimes it makes me more impatient. Patience is hard.

  If only there was a version of run around that was about going from hospital to hospital. What I need is income, not guilt, resentment, shame. I'm trying to launch my business. I need income. I may have to get something temporary.

It feels good to move a little. Thats the thing about hospitals. Small spaces. Not much movement for patients. Ive got to stay out of these hospitals. My care team does better. Ive got to stay out of these hospitals.

 They're not even here. They're all gone. Retired, mostly. Dont spread your trauma. Oy.

100 93 86 79 72 65 58 51 44 37 30 23 16 9 2 Freaking hospitals. Why do I keep going to the same one? Why? Makes no sense.

 I have to stop thinking about hospitals. I swear they are so far in my head and they're screwing it up. I don't understand what they are thinking. It's like they are trying to destroy me. I try to get them out and they are right back in. Dont spread your trauma. Yeah right. 

     Today I'm going to focus on some exercise and some distraction. I've got some followup on the business happening later this week. Cardio, some yoga and stretching, call the Y and set up a trainer appointment. I've got some organizing to do.

      Today is a new day. I'm going to put the past behind me and try to have a good day. Other than the physical with the sinuses, there's no reason not to. There's no reason not to. Even my blood sugar dropped into normal range. My health is literally improving. The lifestyle changes are taking effect. They put me back on Ritalin, so hopefully I can focus on this business and my writing. With less medicalization. I'm exhausted of my own complaints.

     People are going to believe what they want to believe. I can understand the concern about the nurse. What I don't understand is smearing my counselor in order to protect that psychiatrist. That's hard to understand because his actions involved great danger. And he recommended the THC, not her. He did. And he knew I was taking it the whole time. So, I'd better not hear the rumors again. Or I'm going to have to go around telling everyone on this earth exactly what happened, the very truth to the last letter. It's already taken enough of my energy without this bullshit.       And I did not prescribe Spravato, either. I did not write the prescription. And now the doctors know better. I have no doubt in my mind that they will be extremely careful with prescriptions in the future.