Darkness Until Dawn

I'm still looking for part time work. I'm trying to minimize and carefully filter my social contact so my life can be less confusing and scam free. I think my health care providers would appreciate fewer people messing with me. It gives them less work to do. Like Artstick said, can't have too many cooks in the kitchen. The less chaos, the better.

    People tell me that I look younger than I actually am sometimes. Growing up, I was an idealist. I did have confidence, outwardly at least. I come to realize in this dispute of mine over diagnoses that, regardless of the details, medication can only do so much. It's been quite a distraction, trying to understand what exactly the different medications are doing and what they aren't doing.      When I got diagnosed with the DID thing, I thought it was a chance to reinvent myself, to improve my life, but it hasn't quite turned out that way. Instead, I find myself brushing up against barriers that I was either unaware of or was trying to ignore. Ironically, I passed the CPA exam but it expired a good long while ago. I'm feeling my age in moving slower, responding slower, not having the same endurance. I have to be realistic. I don't know who I thought I was. But it's become clear I've been expecting too much from medication.       I feel like ...

     I think it's time to review what I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for food, for having people that help me, for shelter, for medicine, for my health, for freedom, for my car that allows me to travel, for my talents, for my friends, for my cat, for my nieces and nephews, for nature, for time to heal, for the strength and patience that allows me to try again and to forgive.

      So, my truth, that MIP and a lot of people have trouble understanding, is that I'm not actually a drug addict, I've been overmedicalized, I have autism, I don't believe that Bipolar is accurate, but it shows up from time to time, I've developed special nutritional requirements as evidenced by my GI problems, I get angry sometimes but I'm not stupid, I communicate better in writing, and I actually like people. I'm not rich, I'm poor. I'm disabled. I sometimes lose touch with reality.       I'm going to try to give the world my best, which is my written words.  I'm going to try to make them really great words. I want my story to be... not a tragedy. The way it's been going, it's been writing like one for so long. I need to have patience and focus. I've lost interest in climbing ladders. I'm struggling to find the energy to care. I don't understand people that well. I think humility is important. I'm trying to find peac...

      You know, I actually liked this Dr. Darcy the second time around. She was quiet and gentle, like my former Family medicine NP. That's not always easy in an ER. I'm kind of glad they had me talk to several people. It gave me a better perspective of the ER. I saw things differently. It was refreshing. And the Observer told me a little about some of the people that worked at the ER. Not names of course. But it made them seem more human. And that's what I wanted. For us to all seem human.

     I finally got some actual acrylic paint, not just markers. I'm working on my first amateurpiece. Impression of a stormy sky. Next, I'm going to try to knock out a couple of poems and some of the messenger. The meds are getting back into my system so I'm getting some relief.

     I'm getting caught up in the negativity and recriminations. But I'm trying to have compassion. It didn't used to be like this. MIP used to be my safe zone. I'm trying to look beyond the disagreement over my care. I just need to make it until the pristiq refill comes in. I'll try mycharting memorial again. I know ive been stable for long periods before. I know i can do it again. I feel like I have too much time alone but im not communicating well and I don't know how that changes.

      I saw a post on a social media site about humility. It really rang true with me, because regardless of what my real diagnosis is or isn't, it's widely agreed that I have one. The post said that it's important to remain humble, because at any point you could get a dx that could change your entire life. I'm told I'll never have a normal life, regardless of what my dx is or isn't. I count myself lucky to have known all the people I have known. I really do. I've met some great people in my lifetime. I hope and pray that I have more good times ahead of me. I have trouble keeping the faith, but regardless I hope that I can be a light, even when I struggle to see that light. 

Hospitals are supposed to be places of healing. But when they allow rumors and bullshit to flow like water, its hard to maintain faith. I need to get my meds refilled and keep reaching within for that faith and that perseverance, because i do feel disillusioned. And i hate that because I truly believe in medicine and faith and the power to heal. I dont want to turn from supporting healthcare professionals to hating them. It's just so not the way. i need to find that faith and really hold onto it with all my strength.

      Today I took a break from my usual frustrations. I've been gradually getting back into exercise. I saw a friend. But I'm trying very hard to focus on going steadily. I got a little lost in the past, sometimes I still do, but I'm focusing on keeping my emotional balance and staying present. 

      Anyways, I've gotten a little frustrated along the way. But if you can follow sentences then you can follow the history. It all started at MIP... with diagnoses like ADHD, Aspergers, and Bipolar. Then there was McClean, then Lost'n Rigged, then back down here with Prichards, and they added dissociation under the medical cPTSD umbrella with Leaves, then Molly added DID and Bipolar became a point of disagreement, then Prichards quit and I went back to MIP and the outpatient there with Artstick and coffee, then CCBH, Springbrook, then MIP again, and it was one big beautiful chaos. Inbetween, Leaves and Molly talked. Artstick and molly talked. then MIP tried to get rid of molly. Now here I am. I'm back with Molly, Artstick, and Coffee.     What I think we can all agree on is that there is a very real problem(s). We sometimes disagree on the exact nature of that problem(s) and its solution(s). What I have to focus on is my life outside of hospitals. Because it'...

     Sometimes it all comes down to presentation.  Sometimes its not so much the circumstances around you or even what you do. It's the words you choose. The way you say them. The way you choose to smile or not smile. I try to smile. I try to put people at ease. But sometimes even that can be misinterpreted. Sometimes I think I'm missing the point(s). But I need to get sleep before morning. My life is going in strange directions.

 Spidey learns. When I got off clozapine, my perception changed. It skewed my judgement for a while. But I've seen a lot of improvement. I'm healing.

    My conscience feels clearer with having spoken a lot of truth about my life... the time spent in hospitals, the attachment to the nurse, the diagnosis history, the meds, the boundary issues, the arguments over healthcare, some about the hallucinations, and the communication issues and rumors. I hope to keep moving my focus to topics other than real life healthcare and more into fiction, work and education, relationships in the real world, and the future.       I do plan to expound more upon my limited usage of prescription ketamine, Spravato (not a great experience), prescription medications like Mirapex and amantadine, and hemp CBD/THC. I have never tried psilocybin, LSD, Cocaine, MDMA, heroin, and I have never been a drunk. Though being on gabapentin can have slightly similar effects.

     Sometimes, hard times are necessary. It helps to give people perspective on what is truly important. It helps to drive people forward. Like when leaves had to go away. It helped me to make change. It helped me to start seeing some of the things that were not right in my life. Sometimes, being alone is necessary, too. Helps people to focus. for me, I feel like I tried to be there for the kids. They kept me going sometimes. Them, and people like Elle. I don't worry so much about Prichards. Or McClean. I worry what's going to happen down here. Where I am. But I feel like I need some isolation. So that I know what to focus on. I need to figure out how to do this differently. My life has seemed so chaotic and lacking in structure. So driven. So much activity with little rhyme or reason. Less activity, more purpose. 

Until I hear back from the job or adsense, we're in a holding pattern. Need income from somewhere to do anything. 

You see, the humans don't understand us as well as we thought. But we can show them!

 I'm working on getting more art supplies. 🎨  I'm having trouble getting traction.

I'm making a small feast. There's chicken wings, potato salad, brussel sprouts, chips, and salad with watermelon.

Community Integration Checklist ✔ Maintaining Home ✔ Taking meds as prescribed ✔ Taking care of self ✔ Applying for jobs ✔ Pursuing Business ✔ Writing Online ✔ Maintaining Social Connections ✔ Managing Finances