Darkness Until Dawn

Some people are bad in combination. Some people should stay the heck away from me. The drugs don't fix this nor shut me up. I'm not your perfect son. I tried. It didn't work. Give it up. Stop the insanity. I'm not him. He doesnt exist. Stop looking. There's a half dozen governmental agencies already watching. Jump ship. Get out. Stay out. It's not looking pretty. I'm medically complex. The ship has sailed. Please go away. Thank you.

     Maybe I'm oversensitive, but really, a warm screw you to perfectionist doctors, manipulative family, gossip trees, and the inventors of clozapine. Please go screw yourselves. Then do it again. Then go walk off a cliff.      Seriously. The NAZIs had better results. Numbing people out and releasing chaos is not the answer.  You think this is funny? Really? Which part? I'm not seeing funny here. My liver is almost shot. My charts a mile long. Truly. Go screw yourselves. I'm not going to rest until that shit is permanently banned. This isn't funny.       I'm so relieved MIP doesn't like me anymore. Place is messed up. They started this. The bullshit with the DX's and the pills. It's your mess guys. Great job. Go back to medical school now. Try that Hippocratic oath again. Remember it? No? Funny the things you forget. Go screw yourselves. Truly. It needs to be done. To-do list it. You're a freaking disaster. You numbed me out and de...

I just don't get it. I'm the disabled guy with the degrees and the pills and the hospital system on one side, various doctors offices on different sides, a family on another side, and so many other people who think I have something to give or do for them. I don't actually have to go out there to know that these people are all out there just waiting for a report or some help or to drug me up or come up with a new dx and it makes no sense. Who has the energy for this? Do I have all the answers here? Does any office have all the answers. I need to retire from a half dozen more things before someone sees me and decides either they or I need something. It makes no sense. I get tired of caring. Because problems and solutions vary depending on who you ask. Caring was more fun when I was more numb.

I just don't get it. I may not be attracting the right kind of attention, but what the heck do you people want? Have I not been drugged enough? Have I not said enough? Am I that damned interesting? If half a dozen shrinks can't get it right, who's up next?  Find someone else to drug, to fill out your surveys. Leave me alone. Go away. Stay gone. I'm a little tired. This is not impressing anyone. I doubt there is a soul anywhere on this earth that is impressed with this medical system. I certainly am not. Just leave it alone. Find someone else to fix. This person is closed for business. Maybe it was interesting. Maybe I thought it was helping. I don't know. But my body can only take so much. You're wasting your time. You're wasting your paper work. Give it a rest. Do you really think that running the nursing staff or the techs or anyone at all running people around to drug me this way and that way, bring me to this and that group or center? Where the hell is t...

OK, so I'd like to see higher numbers, but so long as someone in this world understands the problems in South Carolina, I'll be happy enough. In the past month, 2,180 Americans have learned about some of the problems of South Carolina as experienced by yours truly. 378 Netherlands. Perhaps my Chinese readers can relate to Western medicine running amuck. I'm rather certain there is someone, somewhere, who would like to see fewer pills on these streets before we run off starting a war with somebody. The Ukrianians are keeping a few people busy right now. Personally, I like peace. Maybe I'm a coward, but if I'm gonna strike someone I don't plan to do so unless they need to be dead. I'm a little angry right now, but I think that maybe it'd be better not to screw around with our allies and worry about our own problems, while helping them deal with theirs. Just to be clear, between the EU and Russia/China/N.Korea... I'm with Europe 100% of the time. Common...

     I've been seeing a psychiatric emergency of sorts. From the county library, which I have come to hate with a passion, to the gossip circles to the doctors' offices to the schools. Too many people far too involved in other people's business. I cannot understand this perversion. Why people have to obsess and control other people so very much. If it's not a physical defect, it's personality, or education... there's always something.       Why is everyone in everyone else's business? Never mind good enough, let's just keep fixing everything till it's been fixed 3 dozen times and then let's bulldoze and build something new. Instead of allowing diversity, let's medicate and have corrective surgery and re-indoctrinate at every last opportunity. Let's fix everything and then fix it again. Nope, everyone has gotta look just like us, think just like us, do just like us. Because we're so perfect.       There is so much overcorrection, no ...

     It's very alarming to me to wake up from a supermedicated, highly controlled state of existence and see what I see. I trusted some of the wrong people too much. These drugs are dangerous. Very dangerous. There are people that won't let me break. I have to respect that. I have to respect it by warning others of what this stuff does to your mind and body. Very dangerous.       These ideas they've been teaching about perfection, medication, gender roles, its not helpful. It will destroy people. It will end them in ERs. Like it did to me. It will put them in comas. Pushing too hard. Medicating too much. Forcing ideology. It destroys people. It lands them on permanent disability. It keeps them in bad situations. Clinging to the past. Do not do this to this country. Do not destroy these people. You can't lock up or ship out enough so long as you just create more monsters with hatred and broken ideology.

     I really am hoping to turn my attention to doing something more positive for this community then watch a hospital system and my family fight over what I need and who is to blame. I just don't think this conflict is helpful. I don't think we need super medicated citizens permanently disabled just so they can look perfect and talk fancy. I really don't think it helps to learn 3 careers worth of information and burn yourself out trying to be everything to everyone. I don't think we need ODs in our ERs or people threatening each other.       I don't think this is helpful. That's why, again, I'd like to thank the governor, the medical board, the cdc, scdhec, and DSS for stepping in. For putting the brakes. And mindfulupstate and city center for recognizing valid problems in this community. South Carolina has real problems. So, maybe, just maybe i should figure out what I need to do. And maybe accountability keeps people safe. The house was full of pill...

     I really hope people are starting to get the big picture. That overmedication is not ok. Abuse is not OK. Harassment is not ok. That whatever my problem is, carting me off from this hospital to that hospital and medicating the life out of me is not helpful. It's not helpful to force me to talk to lawyers and mental health staff. It's not helpful to inspire me to contact DSS or FBI or SCDHEC or the MEDICAL BOARD regardless of what my problem is.       Whatever my problem is or isn't, some people aren't healthy together. I think, at a bare minimum, the entirety of the upstate mental health community can agree, as numerous ones already have, that I have unhealthy relationships and certain people need to stay out of my life. For the good of this community. For its safety and security. We are not good in combination. I've got to relearn a few things. Just leave it alone. Let it rest. Just leave people be. Let ok be ok. We need to all take some big step...