Darkness Until Dawn

Im told im odd. And I've been analyzed near to death. But I've spent time in some odd places. Some people stay in the same place. They stay with the same people. I've met all sorts. I've gotten to know so many people so well. My favorites are the more mild mannered guys or the women.  And yeah I have a special place in my heart for nurses. It's a little embarrassing. But... they work hard.  I've met some strong personalities. I used to talk more. These days I've been more selective about talking. Tired of the conversations. Sometimes I take a while. I observe. I watch the dynamics. Individual personalities. Mannerisms. Gauging different people. Sometimes I just learn. Other times I make more of a surgical strike. By this age most people know the things they want to say and to which people. Im getting some of that. But I like to get a feel for a crowd and be selective with my conversation. Because I can talk up a storm... but it gets tiresome. There were time...

I guess I've been holding too much in. By the end of tax season i was coming apart. I loved doing it so much. About 180 returns. I pushed too hard. But they needed me. We were short. And I met so many people. All sorts. White trash. Blacks. Hispanics. Asians. Rich and poor. I did my first farmer.  It was fun. Lotta Cs. Some Es. A few strange characters. But I did love doing it. That's why it was hard to stop. But then I compared to a similar level person. I was doing twice what she did. She was about to cry. I've got to not push so hard. But I love meeting the people.

 Sometimes When I'm very dissociative I start laughing and crying at the same time. It reminds me of that purple heart guy. Sometimes When things build up you just go in different directions at the same time. Like that joker character. Wierd type of angry sad overwhelmed

I've met many people who have heard voices. There was this one guy on CL. He had a female hallucination that he was friends with. I don't remember his name or the hallucinations name. But it was interesting listening to him talk about thier relationship. It seemed strange at the time. But I was heavily medicated. Now I have several. I don't consider them friends. They're parts of me.

So sometimes I hear voices... one sounds like a sort of cyborg... One sounds like an angry old man One sounds more like a young woman One sounds like an adult woman One sounds like a kid One doesnt have a particular sound One sounds more like the me I've know most my life And the last sounds like a young man They have songs too...

Spidey get obberwhelmed. Ebbyday, Spidey say, DIS WILL BE DI THREAD TO RAVEL ALL COBWEBS! ... den its just a bunch ob tred.

I hope I'm getting the point across that trying to control people or make ridiculous amounts of money is bad. That circling the wagons and groupthink is self-destructive in the end. That cover ups are bad. Because if you still think that no one is trying to cover something up, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING INTELLIGENCE. I'm just waiting for a judge to rule on this once and for all. So people will stop fucking around with each other and with the medical system. That my fucking life mission. Fing DEAL WITH IT. I get to have emotions too. You don't have to be around them. It's not a prerequisite. No one is God. NO ONE. So in a sense I am religious. Because I believe that God has given me this mission. To keep certain damn people in their fucking places. As publicly as they make necessary. To keep this state quiet and safe. Cuz this is so stupid. And I had help getting me here. MIP. Didn't teach boundaries. Didn't have independence. Prichards. That Psychologist that taught at...

Ridiculous (noun): Beyond understanding or unexplainable. Examples: Gossip trees reporting on one person throughout the community Having to publish one's medical information online because the medical system ran amuck A family obsessed with medicine Getting rich off drugs (legal ones) Promoting drugs for conditions with flimsy numbers Having to ask the FBI to monitor your communications and contact your treatment team Threatening people over their relationship with someone else Treating someone like they are your property Reading things you don't like and then bitching about them but then insisting on continuing to read Illegal activity Threatening jail for showing up at a hospital Threatening restraining orders for the same Manipulating someone else's health care decisions Operating a family like a cult Repeatedly invading someone else's business AFTER REPEATED WARNINGS Being robotic Psychiatry saying shit like "well you can pass any test if you take it enough...

Since everyone is so fascinated by my medications, I thought I would illuminate. Currently, my cabinet includes: Buproprion SR (Wellbutrin): I really like this one. Depression and offlabel ADHD. Norepinephrine and dopamine primarily. Rather reliable. The xl is fewer pills but the hospital hates xl because of insurance.  Pristiq (desvenlafaxine): depression. I like this one a lot. Very similar to but seems better then effexor. Serotonin and Norepinephrine primarily  Remeron (Mirtazapine): this one is low dose, cPTSD and sleep but its an antidepressant. Primarily dopamine, I believe Aterax (hydroxzine): anxiety. Antihistamine.  Propranolol (Beta Blocker): blood pressure medication used for ptsd Max strength Benadryl 5/28 max 1/7days (Or atarax 25-100) Lion's Mane Chaga Inhalor Epipen (but on beta blocker) Inositol (Vitamin B8) (Artstick) Zinc Magnesium Ginkgo Biloba 5/28 Multivitamin  Holy Basil tea Ashawangha tea Chamomile lavender tea w/ probiotics Lavender supplemen...

The funny thing was, you got a little more twisted out of shape then you needed to be. A dissociative episode does not have to be a big deal. I'm not exactly sure what you found so alarming. But threatening and running a lot of different people in and lying to me are not exactly ways to be productive, gain trust, or help people.  I do appreciate the Sprite.  Refusing to change the urine bags when I'm obviously in pain and they are obviously full is just all sorts of stupid. It's not hard. You have eyes. Even if you're a cleaning person you can tell the people standing right outside watching THAT DUH he's in pain and needs help.  That aside, it was bizarre that the doctor lied about the lab results. There was definitely stuff that you found. And yes, my phone did die. And no my family wasn't helpful. So congratulations, now my emergency contact is my LPC. YOU DON'T GET A FUCKING CHOICE. You contact someone that can help.  That said. I do appreciate some of th...

See, what I have learned is that I do not have the right to privacy. Cuz people don't leave me the fuck alone. So, I'm just publishing my entire life here until some people lose interest in fucking with me.  So let's get started. I was born here in Greenville in 1981. Greenville General. It moved to Memorial. My father was a doctor, sister a social worker, other sister an anthropologist, brother a psychiatrist. I have 6 nieces and nephews who mean a lot to me. 3 boys and 3 girls. My mom from Italy and my dad from New Jersey.  I had some early childhood trauma. Ended up making MIP my other home. Beck Middle School. Southside High School. Worked at Taco Bell. My family put me at Furman. I got expelled. Not a long story, but I'll get to that. Then I went to MA. Two Hospital/Treatment Centers. Worked in Fast Food. Came back down, worked at the grocery. Started taking history and business and some other courses at Tech. Transferred to Clemson. Psychology. Graduated. Worked i...

Let's see... this week I have to pick out more stuff for the checkers to donate or throw out... I have coffee... I have mindful... I need to reconnect my printer and my tv to the network (thanks FBI if that was you). Check the website to make sure no one will kill me over what it says... check the links again... reduce my old OTC/hygiene stuff... work on my anger... avoid filing more reports... Not yell at anyone... Be careful not to overexert... go for some walks...

I realize there has been a lot of stress in the community over my last name and people with it. To some extent people need to mind their own damn business. To another extent, people need to stop making everything MY specific problem. Regardless of the blame game, people have to live here. Myself included. Only so many holes to bury me in. So to everyone on earth: it's only a name and each of us is only one person. I need to consolidate my memory and work on my health with my team. Whatever it is you want from me or people who know me, you can leave comments or contact the email provided. One person or one group of people (a family, a hospital, a community) can only do so much. For those of you who desperate to shut me up, medicate me, career me, or otherwise manipulate me into this that or the other thing, please fuck off. I will do what I can when I am able. DO NOT GIVE ME INSTRUCTION. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. The Federal Govt may own me (through Disability) but no one else does. I am...

I'm Reminding everyone who knows me or wants something from me, DO NOT CONTACT ME IN REAL LIFE or AUDITORILY. If you need to contact me, there is a comment feature and an email, I have facebook, whatsapp, some people have my number and can leave texts or emails. Again, I have asked FBI to monitor my communication due to continuous harassment. I intend to keep my own damn opinions until my dying breath and to aid and assist the general community in what way I can, which will be determined by my treatment team free of undue influence. You harass me or them and there will be reports filed. So leave it be. This DOES NOT GET FIXED. IT IS CALLED MEDICALLY COMPLEX FOR A REASON. Leave it be. 

Years, ago, when I was highly medicated, I walked around as if I was a different person. My mind was simpler. My thoughts and dreams were different. It seemed natural to focus on career and wealth and being connected and pushing for more. It is easy to put on those rose colored glasses, especially if you have letters after your name or you have chemicals in your system. But the world isn't that way. There are no angels here on earth. This is reality. There is safety and there are dangers.  Names are not everything.  I do not believe there is perfection anywhere, in anyone, or anything here on earth. Do I believe in God? Am I saved? I've gotten that a lot. I do not believe in predetermination. I also do not believe in good works buying one's way to heaven. I do believe in God. I was raised Catholic. Some events in my life have challenged my beliefs. And I have known atheists and God Complexes and pop culture types and Hindus and Muslims and even Shintoists and Deists and pol...

 So going back to Memory and the difference between remembering and recalling as explained by Clarity.  I can REMEMBER. At any given time, I have trouble RECALLING specific events and specific pieces of information. This can happen with learning disorders, dementia, or with trauma. I have been dx'd with the first and third of those. I have tried Amantadine, Namenda, mirapex, and I think Aricept, along with the ADHD meds. If you wonder why my communication is bad, I may be in a different time period, I may be in fight or flight, or I may be trying to recall different pieces of information.  No matter what, don't expect a lot of give and take, fluid and present time related conversation for sustained periods in large groups of people or chaotic environments. If they haven't mastered that yet, they never will.

So I'm coming back to Psychiatry and Boundaries. An INTELLIGENT professional is AWARE. When approaching the patient, the professional understands that the patient is not him/her. The patient is not your reflection. Residents are not eye candy. They can on occasion be smarter than you. Just because you're not talking does not mean time has stopped.

Another good way to develop PTSD is to do twice what the next person does. For example, get a job at a tax company. Work out of two offices. Take the day shift. Accept every walk in. Go nuts. End tax season barely knowing what day it is. Complete twice as many returns as a similar level preparer who uses it as thier main gig. You push hard enough, you don't need an adhd or a bipolar to make it official. 

I go to sleep tired. I wake up tired. Antipsychotics can increase energy by suppressing abstract thinking and numbing you out, but then they interfere with daily functioning. They make no sense. Yet the force medicators will run to them till the end of time. Because we want our men macho! Numb! Fucking bullshit. Go back to medical school. 🙄  Energy comes from other places too. Food. Rest. Sleep. Reasonable expectations. A lack of excessive medical treatment. I know your dsm. Much like the tax code. Go back to medical school. You are not gods. Go on vacation. Go home. Stop fucking up south carolina. Stop fucking with me.  You want angry to back off? Then back the fuck off angry.