Darkness Until Dawn

if I get any more spastic, I'm going to have to stop talking completely. Or maybe I'll start answering the phone, 'Hi, this is crazy. Go ahead.'

      The doctor's appointments went well. The internist seems to find me rather odd but not alarming. I still feel spacey and anxious. I do feel mentally detached from reality, which seems to be the very definition of dissociation. I guess my desire to understand these medical people comes across as a strange fixation. But I spent so much time in the system that to me it seems natural to want to understand.

Spidey leerning about twust. Ebbyday. Di doctors leerning too. Spidey teech.

While you weren't listening I started closing doors I ran around the back Then opened up some more While you weren't listening I changed a few ideas I put away my fairy tales I tried to face my fears. You wanted me to change You found and shaped a mold You called upon your champions To bring me back in fold. You wanted to know everything Perhaps I didn't learn I chased the wrong directions And failed to grow and earn.  While you weren't watching I found a different way I found new things to do I found new things to say. While you weren't watching I changed the way I am I changed my view of the world I learned to not pretend.

     I feel that people get confused on loving and caring. Or maybe I do.       The word love is generally used when you care about someone very intensely. It is used to describe family and romantic relationships. Sometimes people use it for very close friendships or even coworkers. Others are very sensitive about how the word "love" is used.      When you care about someone, that is taken to mean that you value who they are. That you wish them good health. But sometimes relationships get mixed up, and people lose sight of what it means to care about someone. They might say or do hurtful things. They might fundamentally misinterpret communications or the essence of someone's actions. They might change their feelings about the person.      Then there is that concept of idolatry or idealizing someone or something. This can take different forms, such as Clozaril is the answer to everything or psilocybin/THC/DrugXYZ is the ans...

       I'm trying to find a balance. While also making my own choices. Hopefully I'm getting there. I have some taxes to study, entries to create, medical appointments, business appointments, etc to do. Hopefully we're learning. 

    W elcome everyone back to another work week! I'll be your host, Ashes! The Senate is debating the Big Beautiful Bill, which may cost millions their health insurance. Shall we set fire to our hospitals? Might as well burn them down, yes?

      Patient relationships can be dangerous as well. There was a patient at Springbrook. This one was something else. People tried to warn me. She was staring at me. So, I decided to try to talk. Not a good idea. First thing out of her mouth was how many jails she had been to. It was downhill from there. After that they decided that patients from different units were no longer allowed to interact.      But we had some good moments. I was there twice. The first time was better. The first time there was a sort of family atmosphere where people tried to take care of each other. I liked that. There wasn't the bullshit targeting like at MIP last time. There wasn't dipshits running around doing attention seeking. There weren't lies flowing like water.       But somethings I can be pretend to delusional about. If I need to. I can pretend that the patients wasn't toxic, knowitall, knownothing pieces of shit. I can pretend. If I need to. Sometim...

      Perhaps the hospital has to make assumptions. Perhaps they have to assume that Prichards didn't REALLY repeatedly recommend both CBD and THC. Perhaps they have to assume that their own employees don't admit to having used it. Perhaps they have to assume that my counselor doesn't know what she's doing. Perhaps they have to assume that I'm lying. Perhaps they have to assume that their own lying isn't harmful in the ER or in MIP. Perhaps they assume that threats are ok. I don't believe they are. Perhaps they have to make a lot of assumptions, because they are too busy to coordinate care (lots of patients) or because I am not fully transparent or because people in my families lie sometimes.       We all have different information, different skills, different judgement. And we all have our own history and our own responsibilities. I just get frustrated. So I have to isolate until I figure all these things out. Because I do know that my counselor knows...

     Counseling can be like playing catch. I just hope no one drops the ball. I like coordination of care because it helps people catch. I guess the hospital didn't understand. I guess my counselor knows the difference. That takes courage. I have courage too sometimes. Being in inpatient takes courage. Especially when people aren't working together. If there was a painless and straight path, I would take it. I want to focus on fiction, because this healthcare stuff is distracting. And then there's Accounting. It seems like a lot.       I did used to mostly just take drugs and do video games and intermittent work. But I started counseling to change that. I started counseling because the empty life revolving around drug carousels and video games wasn't working for me. Now, I feel like I'm effective with people. I'm more careful. I see drugs differently.      Telling the truth can be ugly. Sometimes the truth involves things like anger, thi...

     I feel like isolation helps sometimes. But I feel like I have to find ways to connect more. With the right people. As I learn about how to say and do the right things and support myself.

 

     The dark spaces of the mind can be frightening. The resentments, the angers. But I appreciate the good moments, when people come together. I have to save my energy for those moments. But there are dark spaces.      Starting this, I was sticking more to the light spaces and alternating with the very black. Now I'm more in the middle ground, with a little of each.

      Sometimes it's unclear how far one can reasonably go in any given situation. If you go too far, then it becomes dangerous. In casual conversation, there should be room for humor. But humor, like beauty, can be in the eye of the beholder. What is funny to one person isn't funny to another.      This is especially true with the psychological. But I do believe that calling a counselor a patient's girlfriend crosses lines. So now I have the two teams, each with men and women on them. And people can say I'm dating all of them. If they want to be inappropriate.