Darkness Until Dawn

  🫂 🫂  Smally 🫂 🫂 

I remember the last thing I thought that night. I wanted her to know how I felt. I wanted to see my emotion on her face.  That emotion was an intense fear, with some sorrow and anger. I wanted her to understand. I wanted her to be afraid too. I wasn't sure how to make her understand. In the end I decided I didn't want her to see.

cleanup on ward 2! Ashes is back!

Your eyes looking back at me tell me everything you see Your eyes tell me where I've been and the person I can't be Your eyes tell me so much more then I could ever say Your eyes come to me in dreams and then they run away. My hopes float upon the wind like a gentle feather They rise with every victory and sink with stormy weather They fly so high when I am free of all my doubts and cares They come to me to lift my goals with challenges and dares My wisdom finds the meeting 'tween my goals and all my acts My passions rising in the storm forever wane and wax Until I find my soul's true counter forever will I roam And if I never find her, I will find my way alone. 

I need to work on my drawing skills so that I can create consistent images of Sarah, Jess, and the others. Otherwise the AI makes them look different every time. And im wasting my life trying to be something I am not. I am a writer. Accounting is not very realistic. My health is too unstable. Accountec has done nothing but lose money. I've got to publish more writing. 

I know there are people in this world who do not want to believe in autism or to deal with it, but I have no choice. I have to face the truth that memorial medical and people in my life don't want to face: that I have autism, not bipolar, I have a trauma disorder resulting from years of medical mismanagement and misdiagnosis. I have been medicated out the wazzoo, and become a running joke because my body is like a science experiment.  And they'll believe anything but the truth, so help them God. So I take a few steps back. And I keep a safe distance from the bipolarizers and the doctors without boundaries. The God complexes. And I try to reduce expenses and adjust to my reality. The reality that the medication has caused me harm. A great deal of it.

is to give the world my words and be at peace with those in it. The doctors have tried. I do need to step back. I need to do the slow and steady. I need to take care of myself and my home and stop ending up in hospitals. It's not helping. 

      I think my biggest mistakes were not taking autism spectrum seriously, trusting Assmussen when I shouldn't have, believing that medication could do more then it actually does, going to McClean, and spending too much time in hospitals. In the aftermath of Prichards' abrupt resignation, I wish I would have been firmer and stronger. I wish I would have communicated better.       I regret allowing Leaves and Molly to shoulder blame. It was not their fault. It was a medication clusterfuck with some God complexes in charge. It got rather ugly. So I've withdrawn a little bit. Until I'm strong enough to face the remaining problems. I can't play musical centers/hospitals. Especially when they don't have a fucking clue and they are just pointing fingers. I'm too tired for the bullshit.       Given the carousel of medications that I've been on, the misdiagnoses, and all the stress and miscommunication, I have no doubt that it's true that...