Darkness Until Dawn

 I feel like my self concept is distorted. Maybe I'm stating the obvious. I'm stuck between past and future. Dependence and independence. I'm still enmeshed. I need to change. I hope people still believe. I'm trying. My faith is a bit battered. 

     I think people are just frustrated with their own lives and secondarily with whatever is going on with me (definitely depends on who you ask). But so long as no one gives me cause to worry, I have no worry about my future. As far as legal action, I can only further reiterate that my personal affairs are not up for debate. That includes medical and legal.       Acceptable topics of conversation include: the weather, some sports, pop culture, history, food, culture, whatever is not my personal business. You can definitely expect me to meet you where you are. If you fight me, I will fight back.       I guess my greatest hope is that people quit playing games with my well-being. I'm not actually a science experiment. And surely, of all the medical problems, at least one is real. It just means I function differently. I gotta understand how this kind of false perfect gets going this way. They have this idea of who I am but I swear it...

     See, I always thought people in public generally stuck to thier company. But lately I've noticed people talking about me everywhere I go. At first it made me angry, then afraid.  But now I think maybe they just find me very interesting. And the cats doing so well. Such good spirits. I still have some work to do. But hopefully soon I'll be back around others. The medicine is helping. But I need to be patient. Today is Saturday. I've finally got the right month and almost always the right day and day of the week. Even time perception is better. Though I still lose chunks.

Well now the anemia dx makes more sense. Because I'm having all the symptoms. Symptoms that can occur include extreme tiredness, weakness and shortness of breath. People may experience: Whole body: dizziness, fatigue, lightheadedness, or malaise Heart: fast heart rate or palpitations Also common: brittle nails, headache, pallor, shortness of breath, or weakness Maybe that’s where low CO2 is from. Idk. Anyways, I'd go outside more but for the allergies, memory issues, and fatigue. Plus I feel like i have indoors work to do.  Buti think today, the weather is nice so I'll sit outside.

I picked my professionals carefully. I'm confident in these. I just need to give them time to make sure my lifestyle is healthy and my memory is fully integrated. Until they finish it need to avoid certain people. Not a fixit mentality. A healing one. Growing into a different way of life. And that allows me to be kinder. It allows me to be stable. To work. To live... outside of hospitals. 

See, I've been called many names. Some of the more offensive names were atheist, liar, shemale, psychotic, cracker, thing, it, cookie... somehow gay, straight, crazy seemed easier. You know, my head hurts every single day. My right foot hurts. The arch is having issues. That vagus nerve pain that radiates in the face and down the limbs. I'm wondering what effect the gabapentin had. I was on as much as... I think 1800. I'd have to check the records. I don't remember the dosing for that one. I'm sure the records are being preserved. We need to understand the effects of these combinations. Long term. And I need to stay away from doctors. So if you have an MD, I wouldn't plan to see me for years. Unless you're on my team. I need to avoid persons who know medical stuff and will undoubtedly have drastically different views of healthcare. 

So prichards wanted a case study. Arson suggested the same. So, I'm granting that wish. I am the most powerful insanity in the lamp! (Easy on the metal polish). Some people want to believe I'm faking. I know I'm not. I know I'm just challenging their world views and confusing them. So, they should mind their own business. It's just better for everyone.

See some people seem to think im some sort of criminal mastermind, others that I'm faking, others that I'm weak minded, and some people simply can't figure me out. And then I start suspecting that I talked my way into a psych unit in order to get them to produce documentation for a legal case, which is not actually true. So far we only seem to agree that I was dissociating. Though some people refer to that with the term "psychosis", its not an accurate use of the term. I suspect that psychosis is much less common than many psychiatrists believe. I still wonder how many actually know the difference. But unfortunately I have to deal the hand I was dealt. And that means avoiding certain people until after the court date. Since they refuse to recognize my reality simply because it conflicts with thier lives. I get it. You like the status quo. But I cant help you. I have to see this through. Until you can respect that, I can't be around you. You know who you are. T...

So I may have turned into a bit of a hermit. Maybe I've lashed out a bit from time to time. It's been confusing. Which is why I need alone time. To make sure I'm seeing my life from a rational perspective. From a wise perspective. That's why I need space. I can only control me. What I think and do. So I need to do that well. I need to decouple from some people. Not be enmeshed/codependent/cult-like. And I need to improve some of my skills. I need to be more well-rounded. 

Apparently, my anger is still too high, because I'm seeing people doing things I just don't approve of. But I need my people to be strong. We have a job to do. I realize that the danger may not be as imminent or as great or as wide ranging as I see it to be. I only know that I'm not the only one frustrated with my families. So we need to focus. Act in patients' best interests. That's what I want. But you have to be honest with them. Without honesty then you're not actually acting in their best interest. Frankly, with so many people tangentially involved, and people pushing me forward, we need to see this through. So you need to let me help. I know your hospitals. I know your systems. So let me help. There simply isn't a hole to bury me in. 

What MIP does understand is that my family is a danger to my wellbeing. What they missed is that they have been part of the problem. My father worked next door. They did what he said. They were part of the problem. Between my parents, McClean, and MIP (with Woodruff Road and his friend) They have nearly killed me. Undue influence. Human Experimentation. Drug trials on a minor. I'm trying to understand all of the federal and state laws that were violated. 

If I had to ask County Sheriff to arrest family members or anyone else. You know. Since some people seem to think they can control Greenville County. But technically... some people have violated multiple federal laws. That's not something that helps me sleep at night. "Protecting someone" Springbrook said. Too many meds, they said. But no, let's pretend its all kosher. We like the money. 

I need to be clear on "help". The people "helping" me are my friends and health care providers, free of undue influence. We have a job to do. Anyone else needs to mind their boundaries, keep conversation related to matters not pertaining to medical or legal. This is me trying to help you. Don't get yourself in trouble. Let the law do what it needs to do. Once this is cleared up, then you can talk about it. Let me help you. Don't get in my way on this. Don't distract me. I'm busy. If you need something, Voicemail, text, email, postal mail. And once my work is done, then I can be funny again. People around the world read this stuff. I don't know who's telling whom what or how seriously they take it. But people in this county need to watch their boundaries. You know, I used to wonder where the word "county" came from. Then I remembered medieval times. A Count was a minor lord. Ruled over a very small area. Just bigger than a mayor, I g...

     Now, accountability is not a bad thing. Auditing is not by nature a bad thing. It cleans out the herd a bit. So that the people who are not able to do the job properly do not cause harm or tarnish the reputation of the remainder. That's what I'm hoping for. Is to keep everyone safe and encourage good ethics and responsibility. I just hope people are paying attention before I go to court. Because if we do a little clean up outside of the court room, then things are less messy in the real world and the courtroom has less work to do.       Some professionals have bad boundaries. I'm harping on this to make sure I'm getting the point across. Because I only need to sue so many people. And I don't actually relish the idea. I do it because it is necessary. Because the public has a vested interest in a safe and effective health care system. I want people to be able to trust their doctors. We can't do that if there are irresponsible professionals out there...

It doesn't make sense. It seems like one long confusion. But I trust the people I'm working with. I'm glad for that. It's good to have people you can trust. I miss my friends. I think of Robin Williams, Don Henley, James Taylor, Poe... I know I'm not them. But what would some people do? People who other people see as having been great? The more I know, the less I understand. All these things I thought I'd figured out, I'm learning again. I need to make sure my soul is in the right place. Until my life stops seeming like a cross between a criminal enterprise and a medical cult. Some people are bad in combination. And I really have been taught by some bright minds. Things got a little scrambled. I can remember, I can't recall. Somethings that I do recall I will never see the same way again. Where does the talk of victims and protection lead me? Where is this going?