Darkness Until Dawn

This is the stuff memories are made of...  Wrong. This is how they get deconstructed. Carefully, with desensitization, suggestion, restructuring, patience, and privacy. Not that I particularly wish to reveal any secrets.  You have a building. You have a waiting room. You have windows, art, water ready and chilled, mints, white noise machines, proper ventilation and climate control, motion activated cameras to observe trigger levels, dissociative states, boundary issues. It is safe. It is calm. It is quiet, but not silent. You have interns, different types of professionals, including an MD.  You have the DID see the intern, the intern then reviews with the counselor, the counselor and the intern see the DID to go together as 3. The intern gets triggered by DID, who may lie down as child, pace as protector, analyze as solver, try to teach as helper, speak in code or legalistically as gatekeeper, make friends as communicator, or none of the above. The intern leaves, the coun...

Do I have regrets? Why yes I do. Let's prioritize some of the... less personal... there's overlap... here's a start. Not getting married in my thirties Suicide attempts Bad boundaries with family bad boundaries at work overly regimented lifestyle not putting myself first relying too much taking Minipress prescription drugs in general bad psychiatry Building egos time spent in hospitals too much tv too much education too much advice contacting people without permission worrying too much, not having fun too much alone time trying too hard not enjoying simple things talking to the wrong people not developing hobbies as well traveling too much sleeping too much

The thing I've noticed about the helper is that it seems to be created and reinforced by experience, much like the rest. The helper can get out of control. Manifest as a workaholic, a busybody...  Then with stress, it gets wierd. I transfer stress from part to part, moment in time to moment in time, supress or relieve with music, passphrases, numbers, memories, people, sensations... It gets outta hand, then it comes out in different physical symptoms, behaviors, communications, or it can mimic different mental health issues... there's so many to choose from... AS, Bipolar, unipolar, psychosis, adhd... everything. A different shrink, a different dx. That accounts for my troubled relationships with family members... social workers, docs, people with letters. I'm happy to let the next generation shine. I'm tired. The thing with dissociation is that it can easily resemble psychosis. And shrinks love psychosis. It's like crack to them. The excessive activity and abrupt c...

Spidey a liddle tired. Feeling calmer doh. Ebbyday a gnew day! Wemember be careful about di adult parts. Spidey not so bad. Di cat will be out to play.  🕸️

Casi muero. Tres veces. Tengo 43 años y vivo en Mauldin, Carolina del Sur. Estoy bajo la amenaza constante de desalojo. Soy discapacitado. Me esforcé demasiado. Estoy cansado. Estudié y trabajé en tres campos diferentes: contabilidad/impuestos, tecnología de la información y psicología. Estoy empezando a odiar a mi familia. Tengo una enfermedad compleja. Mi historial médico es interminable. Necesito bajar el ritmo. Hijo, dijo, ¿tengo una pequeña historia para ti? Lo que creías que era tu papá no era más que un... Mientras estabas solo en casa a los trece años, tu verdadero papá se estaba muriendo, siento que no lo hayas visto, pero me alegra que hayamos hablado... Oh, yo, oh, sigo viva. Oye, yo, yo, oh, sigo viva. Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva. Oye... oh... Oh, camina lentamente, cruza la habitación de un joven. Dijo que estoy lista... para ti. No recuerdo nada hasta el día de hoy. Excepto la mirada, la mirada... Oh, ya sabes dónde, ahora no puedo ver, solo miro fijamente... Yo, sigo viva. Oy...