Darkness Until Dawn

 They started describing it alternatively as obsessions, bizarre thoughts, Hallucinations, voices... finally it drifted to intrusive thoughts and occasionally back to hallucinations, depending on the source. If it's past related, it's generally called voices, flashbacks, dissociations, or intrusive thoughts. If it's substance or medically related, it's voices or hallucinations. If it's present time related, it's the obsessions or bizarre thoughts.  Intrusive thoughts are generally related to past experience but are triggered by things that happen in the present. Anything sensory that triggers a past association. My most common ones are seeing or hearing people from the past or seeing or hearing the same stimuli from the past. MIP. So many intrusive thoughts can come. Unfortunately, I know every square inch. It all has memories. Now it feels like intrusive checking. The same people with the same judgments and concerns coming back for more. The Psychiatrists and r...

I've been thinking about trust a lot lately. I've got my categories. Community I can see and hear you. You are animate... living and breathing. Person     I've met you. I may know your name. You're not an animal. I don't treat you like one. Acquaintance     I've met you. We've interacted on multiple occasions. I know your name. I may not always remember it. Favors are limited based on need and give and take. Friend     I interact with you regularly or repeatedly over a long period of time. I know your name. I almost always remember it. Favors are limited based more on need then give and take. Relative      You have a biological or contractual connection to me or someone with that connection. Family      You live with me. You may be a cat, dog, or other domestic animal. Professional/Client     I interact with you only when you are under a contract to do so or are being paid to do so and vice versa. If you/I are not bei...

Now and then I think of when we were together Like when you said you felt so happy you could die Told myself that you were right for me But felt so lonely in your company But that was love and it's an ache I still remember You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness Like resignation to the end, always the end So when we found that we could not make sense Well, you said that we would still be friends But I'll admit that I was glad it was over But you didn't have to cut me off Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing And I don't even need your love But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough No, you didn't have to stoop so low Have your friends collect your records and then change your number I guess that I don't need that though Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me ove...

I spent roughly a year there, in two stints. Basically, two long halls with a kitchionette type area, individual rooms, a heavily armored screened in porch. An elevator with keys going up to staff floors. And I walked the halls of McClean. Through the shadows and enduring the storms... Then they snicker. Oh the poor shit. He makes up his demons and they lock him away. Oh poor us, we have to tolerate the little shit and his demons. WERE YOU OVER A YEAR BEHIND LOCKED DOORS!?!? DID YOU NOT SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!?!? WHAT OF LAW CONVICTED ME BEFORE YOU LOCKED ME UP AND THREW AWAY THE KEY?????? WHAT CRIME DID I COMMIT???????????? And there was Clozaril... the ashes and the dust rose into shape... were moved to a halfway house... Ran to CVS... took a cocktail... back to the house... there was EMS, waiting. My absence had been reported.  I'm the addict? YOU PUT ME ON MEDICATION, THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR BEING ON DRUGS? I'M SOCIETY'S PROBLEM????? AM I THE ONE WHO LOCKED ME AWAY?????????...

Yesterday, I had another one. I was in the counseling office, working with Intern #1. There were people in the hallway. One of them sounded like Intern #2 that I had just met with the other day. I recognized tone of voice, I filled in details even as I was talking to Intern #1, and there I was on the encrypted app, telling my counselor that these people can't quit on me. I was wrong. There were only five other people in the building. Two professionals, Intern #1, two other people. I had the earplugs in most of the time. Now I'm getting the noise cancelling ones. I gotta pick my realities carefully. When I'm on too much meds, I don't do that. I don't put myself in the right places when I'm on too much meds. I'm picking my places and people carefully. Earplugs... Need new glasses with the tinting and antiglare to control the light. Wear masks when I'm feeling cross, so people don't ask me questions. I got my own problems. Leave them alone. Leave the pr...