Darkness Until Dawn

Angry? Present Sad: rotating Irritable? Rotating Tired? Present Inflammation? Present Jealous? Faint, but Present Sleepy? Present Sore throat? Present Tight and hot skin? Present Fight or flight? Fight Pain in face? Present

     I want to reiterate that this is all fiction unless proven otherwise. None of this is true in any way unless proven otherwise by someone other than me. Just helps to ramble. So, rule #1, do not act on hearsay. In one ear and out the other unless it helps you personally. My energy is low. Some things may be permanent.

I also think part of toxic gender norms is getting on men's cases when other men won't accept help. It's like... I TOLD YOU TO GO OUT AND HELP HIM... So if he refuses to accept my help, I just keep asking? Or I start helping anyways so that he gets pissed off? Oh right, I'm supposed to read minds. I forgot about that. Some people are just terrible at communication. No matter what you do, they're mad. Just starting to try is a mistake. I bet some people know what I mean. Or, go find whoever. Well, if he's hiding from you, you think he wants me to find him? Great idea. But seriously. Sometimes being around certain people just has bad idea written all over it. Something Springbrook mentioned. Not giving people too many chances. They actually did much better then the other hospitals. But they specialize in Autism, like Riggs, so I guess between that and the correct history, they saw a lot that others didn't see. CCBH was just all kinds of stupid wrapped up in a ...

I tried being boring. It didn't work out. Where I go, shrinks follow.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk The music loud and the women warm I've been kicked around since I was born Well, now it's alright, that's okay And you may look the other way We can try to understand The New York Times' effect on man Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin' And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive Help me, woman Well now, I get low and I get high And if I can't get either, I really try Got the wings of heaven on my shoes I'm a dancing man and I just can't lose You know it's alright, it's okay I'll live to see another day We can try to understand The New York Times' effect on man Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother You're stayin'...

 you know. like ice cream with espresso poured over. like that. affugato

Anyways, between city center, Springbrook, mip, ccbh, atlanta, belmont, stockbridge, mindful, half the psychiatry power on the east coast, dss, fbi, etc, you should have me pretty well figured out. I'd like to stay home now.  And i have to finish fixing this printer or buying a new one. Gotta file taxes paper this year.

      I have differences in realities with the people who own my home and car. I'd like to see those realities closer together or to own my car and home. Otherwise, I burn out quickly.

 SDOH = (FAM1+FAM2)*(CHAOTIC BILINGUAL CHILDHOOD)  = MILD AS + MILD ADHD + MILD AUD PROCESSING + cPTSD/DID + SIMPLE CARB DIET WITH RED MEAT = HYPERLIPIDEMIA + BORDERLINE DIABETIC PTSD + CLOZARIL = ALL SORTS OF PHYSICAL AND PSYCH PROBLEMS. A WALKING TRAIN WRECK. But at least we learned something. That's what the Nazis would say. Am I right? Would they not? I'm sure Conner is quite proud. At his multi-state clusterfuck. That Atlanta tried to stop. But Greenville wasn't listening. Fact. An MD recommended THC and I took it legally per medical advice. Fact. I'd like to not see this happen again. Fact.

If the problems fall under PTSD as well, and the docs don't like the term DID or understand it very well, might as well just call it PTSD, right? Makes sense to me. Maybe the gender changeup didn't work out so bad. Now I have a bunch of ladies. Who are terrified that I'll learn their names or try to hug them. Not the end of the world. Though I don't think they need to worry. Too many people watching. Anyways, I got better things to do with my time. When I have the focus, the energy, and the calm. 

I worry if I connect too much at one time, what i might say or do. How would I interpret others? How would they interpret me. So far, we've not done a bangup job together.

Writing while switching is difficult. Every time you switch, you want to tell it a different way. It's like, come on guys, why can't we agree on one little scene? Only wrote 4 versions! Seriously! Writing while Angry is worse. Cuz then you start thinking about suing half the east coast. That doesn't work very well. It's like... wow. What just happened? 

I feel like I need to think more about my life. I feel like there's parts of the picture that I'm not seeing. That there are things that I'm missing. But I think I'm getting closer. To seeing the big picture. So I'm glad for that. Unfortunately, I have to take what I can get when I can get it. But I need to understand better. In order to be funny, I need to be angry first. Then I can be funny again. I'm not sure what's next. I don't have much of a plan. Yet. I am glad though. To have more space. Breathing room. To be me. Without meeting any particular standard, tend, or appeal. 100% genuine in isolation. Just some hallucinations. Wierd dreams. I had one about tis river. Running fast. Huge river. Fast water. Carrying me away. I thought it was the one nearby, but much bigger, and faster. 

Now that the doctors and their friends have stopped talking long enough for me to hear opposing view points, it's starting to make more sense. A lack of boundaries and pushing too hard dressed up as Bipolar by people who couldn't be bothered to notice red flags and were making far too much money off hospital insurance. A multistate clusterfuck. Motivated by old Greedy... the river of money that runs through here. Greenville County does have a problem. It's greed. Medical greed. But I switched out my team. Firewalled them. Got FBI and Public Health involved. Hopefully, Clozaril will be removed again, permanently this time. Hopefully, I'll never be one of them again. The boundaryless people pushers. Some people do move away and start fresh. I'm stubborn. And medically complex. Moving is not appealing. I need to figure out all my boundaries, legal and otherwise. Then a judge can rule. Theres too many people involved. I can't be the only one. This county needs to be...

Not to be egotistical, but if someone wanted to codify some restrictions on medicalized perfection and human experimentation, I think calling it the Greener Healthcare Act would make sense. Healthcare in Greenville could certainly be Greener. Limits on what doctors can do. Especially in mental health situations. I'd like it to ban Clozaril.

That accounting education is really coming back to help me. Auditing. Undue influence. Boundaries. It makes sense.  I've been thinking about specialization, comparative advantage and Narcissism. Being too good, or thinking you are... reminds me of Nazis.

So, when I'm not doing the life stuff or playing that game (The nurses found my game play amusing), I've been thinking about how it ends. The chaos. You know, someone asked me once why I didn't sweat while working so hard in physical labor. Anger, Clozaril, Dissociation. That's how. A lack of connection to reality. Medicalized perfection. That is the chaos.  How does it end? By not idealizing each other. By engaging with reality. By not dissociating. Oh, I know some dissociators. They'll deny it till the end of their days, most likely. Most of them are doctors. But I think everyone dissociates sometimes. The brain wants to rationalize its reality. Gets overworked trying to explain things that have no reasonable explanation. Burns out. Looks like ADHD, PTSD, Borderline, Bipolar, things like that. You can deny the research. You can engage with your lies. Don't ask me to. I'm too tired and too angry. It's a multistate clusterfuck. Sometimes people just need...

     See, I'm confident. That despite the fact that they own the house and the car, I won't be homeless. They won't threaten me. Not when there's people watching. Not when the hospitals, the law, Public Health, and just about the entire state of South Carolina knows pretty much everything. And I won't go back. Because I'm tired and on fewer meds like Clozaril. There's many names for my life. Fear of Harm is one. Stockholm syndrome is another. Overmedicalization is another. Undue Influence. Multistate Clusterfuck.       They'll still idealize me. They'll still push. But I need to FOCUS on REAL LIFE. Even if that means having the law stand between myself and my families. I need to focus on the cooking and cleaning and trying to get emotionally regulated again. So the government can work this out for good. I'm divorcing my families. Leaving the bubble. De-cultifying. As quietly as they allow me to do that. I know people are watching. I know there ar...

Like the pine trees linin' the windin' road I've got a name, I've got a name Like the singin' bird and the croakin' toad I've got a name, I've got a name And I carry it with me like my daddy did But I'm livin' the dream that he kept hid Movin' me down the highway Rollin' me down the highway Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by Like the north wind whistlin' down the sky I've got a song, I've got a song Like the whirlpool whirl and the baby's cry I've got a song, I've got a song And I carry it with me and I sing it loud If it gets me nowhere, I'll go there proud Movin' me down the highway Rollin' me down the highway Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by And I'm gonna go there free Like the fool I am and I'll always be I've got a dream, I've got a dream They can change their minds but they can't change me I've got a dream, I've got a dream Oh, I know I could sha...