Darkness Until Dawn

Molly says Spidey kneads less anger before he hab his black widow. Maybe she'll be a nurse. or a doctor. Or a... writer. or a teacher. Maybe a dance instructor.

     Occasionally I need to remind myself of purpose, because experience has taught me that I cannot always rely on others to do so. I'm trying to help. Help myself. Help others. Interdependent decisions. Not destruction. Real, actual help.       I have to remind myself that a lot of lives were saved at that hospital. I guess it makes people sad. To see someone fall. And Angry. I can understand that. But I struggle to understand the desire to bury what happened on Woodruff road. I struggle to understand a life supporting my families when they want to demonize me when I didn't write those prescriptions.       I do want those records. I want to know how many times that man deliberately and recklessly ignored safety guidelines around prescriptions. If you're complaining to YOUR OWN PATIENTS that the state is coming after you for your drugs, exactly who are we helping by burying his actions? Who? Everyone but me? Really? Is it safe to l...

Wind and rain and dust and flood Hurricanes descend from above And so an angel extends a hand To save the last of hope and love. Water churning in pools of denial To cheer the empty hero Calm the waters once again And drop the anger down below Where the feathers fly again across the lonely lands I cannot find my hero now He fled with all his plans. When all the states hospitals and medicinemen Cannot revive bipolar again Where then dost thou cast the blame? Reflect it back and find your shame.

     I hope the hospital keeps in mind the old saying "Garbage in, Garbage out". If you teach me garbage, then you create garbage out in the community. If you give me garbage, like excessive paperwork or nicotine gum that I did not ask for and is useless to me or garbage referrals that do no good, then you create garbage in the community when I throw it out. I only need so much garbage to get rid of.       What I need is help with my executive skills. That's what I NEED right now. Not bullshit opinions or harassment. If they hadn't gone apeshit and made such a freaking mess of last time, maybe this time wouldn't be necessary. Anyways, the insurance went to catastrophic coverage so... there's that. I can't help others unless I can help myself. And I'm trying to help myself. I just don't think I'm getting the right support.

  Volly, they are heading back towards Grove. I think they're feeling inpatient.

     I hope I can trust the hospital. I hope we won't get caught up in threats and garbage referrals to various places. I need to address this brain fog. I just want an opinion. The last hospitalization was a clusterfuck. I think we can do better.       It's just weird trying to walk a line trying to please family and community and professionals and I'm really not that important I just need to quietly address a few symptoms. Maybe we can have more open communication and not be looking at each other as if from separate defensive positions. I do hope and pray.       I feel like staring off into space isn't really helpful. I must be crazy for going back there. Maybe they can do like a once-a-week IOP. I just don't see myself be able to go there more than once a week. 

     I do hope that friends from  healthcare community check this blog. I hope that they are trying, like me, to understand the effects of taking so much medication. I hope they are not letting rumors or the occasional and legal use of hemp products to distract from the mission, which is to understand what the heck has been going on with my healthcare and how to keep Greenville safe and the healthcare system cost effective. 

      What I'm finding is that Prichards' constant jiggering of the medications combined with my family's control of my mind and body was creating a lot of emotional conflict and both emotional and physical strain. It was a medication train on my mind. That's why I need to understand better how these medications have affected me. Past, present and future. Because medications have long term effects, sometimes even after stopping, and I was on so very many. I have to understand, if nothing else to keep the kids safe from this kind of Nazi like human manipulation.      I may have to go back to the hospital for a few days for them to observe again. They may have to tweak something. But this time it will be voluntary, and I'm going to specify in advance what's ok and not ok. Threats and lying are definitely not ok. And if I catch them lying or threatening again, I'll take that up the chain. I need honest help. I don't understand what Gullet was thinking. We b...