Darkness Until Dawn

It's tempting to believe that people see you a certain way, or feel a certain way, or understand something. There's that longing for human connection. Sometimes the truth is brutal. Cold. 

    I  didn't use to think it was possible, but people really can repeat the same lies so many times that they actually 100% believe them to be true. It's not even a fudging, it's a flat out, complete construct that is constantly repeated over and over again like a mantra.      It's like, if we keep using the word love but act hatefully, we lie to ourselves and believe we really are being loving. We can betray, destroy, demonize, and generate fiction in amazing quantities as humans. It's really been disturbing to understand how good some people are at acting horribly. They get so used to doing it that they literally will feign total innocence while stabbing you in the back. Pride is an excellent motivator. Selfishness. Hatred. Anger. I don't actually know why some people insist on doubling down again and again. I'm beginning to doubt the potential of humanity with everything going on in the world.       I do know why in my life certain p...

W alking 'long the razor blade while watching for a fall. It's the strangest kind of journey along an edge that's hard and tall. Lined with crowds the path that stretches across the rusted edge Their angry voices calling loud and raging for a pledge.  J ackals dance and ponies prance upon green fields below But oh how far the people are, the ones I claimed to know While times still change and rearrange, depending on fortune's fall Pray brighter days will rise from the haze of memory's faint recall T oo old to chase the shadows passed yet too young to chase the grave I'm saddened as the heroes of once descend to errant knaves. I seek out the message that may put these bitter hearts to rest Yet all the while surrounds the guile that kindness cannot repress B leeding footprints along the path with no certain end in sight With so many simply chasing one more peep or one more fight Laughter will rise and with it the reprise as callers seek revenge amongst gentle whis...

 

    How do you know when someone has a problem? What does it take to cross the line?     Is it enough that they use a psychiatrist to control them son and repeatedly stab him in the back? Does it have to move on to using multiple hospitals to do the same? What about repeatedly threatening, begging, manipulating, lying, and sabotaging their health while playing dumb? How much forced medicationings does it take? How many threats? How many lies? how many betrayals?      What is the definition of insanity? The saying goes, doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Some people literally never learn. They prefer to destroy others and bring everything crashing down around them rather then be wrong.      We still haven't finished going through the paperwork from the hospital, but I'm willing to bet that somewhere there is a record of my father speaking to the doctor and repeating the same BS story that he's been telli...

People are not made for love but made to be my toys I build them oh so carefully to rush unto my bidding Like a vengeful God I smite and engage my minions in my ploys The world it revolves around my name, and I am always winning I tweak my little playthings and I program them with care I am the worldly doctor, and as such, you must beware Should you dare defy me, I will rip your world to shreds Lock you up and run you down, drug you up with meds I'll make you into a liar and I'll threaten you by proxy, I'll stop at nothing to control your everything, even till you're dead, I'll run you up and run you down I'll play you for a fool, I'll rearrange your everything You are nothing but my tool. I am the worldly doctor, I know so much more then you If you're lucky you'll still be breathing When my game is through. I'll drag everyone that I can find into my twisted games I'll lie until the sun goes down if it gets you labeled insane I'll play ag...

    You know I feel like an addictive substance. People just can't stop fucking with my mind. It really makes no sense. People absolutely love going on power trips. Psychiatrists can be some of the worst. There's this one psychiatrist, his advice to me was to act like a robot. That was one of the last conversations I had with him.      I was a bit robotic on clozaril. It's some powerful stuff. Numbs you out and you're just running around with no real connection, no real emotion, just this emptiness that's kind of soothing but also haunting and you never form any real connection but live a meaningless and empty life.     A lot of people preferred me as a robot. I was easy to control. It was an incredibly structured life, and I was devoid of personality. It was so empty. It was about toys and games and nothingness. Now they're so angry that I don't want the empty, meaningless life they had set up for me. And they make threats and pull strings and draw in...

     Life feels like an amusement park ride that I just can't get off. Now I'm beginning to see that other people are getting tired too. We're all just spinning round and round and crashing into each other. I think a while back I talked about slowing it down. I feel like I just keep pumping the brakes but its difficult to make it stop especially when all the noise just doesnt dampen. The more time passes by the more the reality creeps in and the horrified I am by the past.       People are messy. They require a lot of maintenance and management and instead of getting quieter everything just gets louder and faster. I keeping closing doors and they keep breaking open and then its musical medications and backstabbing and manipulation and ceaseless and never ending games and its like living inside a pinball machine. The reality comes back again and again and im absolutely horrified by the past. The more I try to step away from people the more angry and spi...

     Sometimes being part of a family is less like a company and more like a cult. There's a tremendous volume of stories that go beyond all reason to be more like ancient legends or folklore... members become caricatures or mythical beings of good or evil, and facts are pulverized and reshaped into stories of greatness or tragedy. There's a certain desperation when people don't stick to the script. A panic. A rage, even. Life becomes a predictable nonsense of walking around repeating the same phrases and pretending that life is rigidly predictable and that nothing happens at random and no one makes mistakes. People are either perfect or evil. Angels or demons.     Sometimes families even have enforcers. If someone falls out of line there's always a sibling or a child or an aunt or uncle to form this stream of incessant checking like a stream of water wearing down a rock.      I'm rather certain that by the time I'm dead, people will understand th...