Darkness Until Dawn

     Glue gno what Spidey tink?? Spidey tink arachnids knot meant to be litigious. Spidey come from long line ob pwoud brown recluses. Hab no knead for deese silly human ideas about whose fault what is.

     Some people get confused about the word love. But going back to the roots of Christianity, we're all brothers and sisters, and we all love each other through Christ. So, if I say that I love Elle or Leaves or just about anyone, technically that's true. Some people get hung up on words. They get a little snotty about words and appearances. Other people understand. It's all in your perception. I can love a stranger. Thats what God allows us to do. 

     I think what I need to assume is that others are like me... that they recognize their mistakes, as I recognize mine, and they repent thier actions, as I repent mine. That allows me to forgive them, and for their sake, I hope they do the same. Because I have to move on. I'm tired of all this clear my name bullshit.

  Our Psychiatrist, who art on call, hallowed be thy fame. Thy shift shall come, thy will be done, in community, as it is in hospital. Give this day our daily meds, and forgive us our boundary violations, as we forgive those who violate against us. And lead us not into medication, but deliver us from inpatient! For thine is the prescription pad, the mood journal, and the diagnosis, forever and ever. Amed. 

And the Good Psychiatrist said, let there be diagnoses, and there were diagnoses, and people got pissed off! Can I get a Clozaluiah!?! AMED!!!

Dear Elle and Leaves,      This has been difficult. I never wanted to hurt you not even for one second. You were some of my north stars. I miss you. I struggle every day to stay present. Elle worked long and hard for that hospital. As did my father. I have to respect the work that was done. I owe you a great deal. I can't waste your work. I will honor what you did. By not letting this be a tragedy. You lifted me up. I must honor that. I hope you understand. I must forgive those who have wronged me. Not forget. But forgive. I can't expect everyone to understand.      Maybe my families are starting to see the bigger picture of the dangers of legalized drugs and mental manipulation. Maybe not. Maybe they will forever remain buried in their ignorance. Maybe they will continue to judge me, and remain buried in hatred. Maybe they will continue to idolize the magic maker. But I cannot do the same. I have to move on. God will judge us all. I have to move on. I'm tr...

 Positives The hospital is trying My physical health is still decent I have a good cat I have a good home and food I have some good friends I can write pretty well I have a diverse team with lots of knowledge I have skills A lot of lives were saved at that hospital and my family had a lot to do with that I have extensive education The medication is helping, even if it's not comprehensive I care about people, even if I can't show it I try to do the right thing. I have a good credit score Negatives The hospital doesn't understand DID and occasionally tries to bury it The past was difficult I still have plenty of flashbacks, dissociation, depression, I still think about death I looked up a nurse and texted her The hospital had a fit over Hemp products as if that erases everything Prichards did or the hospital did. We engaged in legal threats. But we're working on that. People have wronged me and refuse to recognize that fact or apologize and sometimes still try to hurt me....

     The reality is that I was trying to be the perfect son and I failed. The reality is that we didn't know then what we do now about DID. The reality is that this can't be about vengeance. The reality is that I need to make something positive of this. But with better boundaries that do not include my family or the hospital system choosing my providers for me. Better boundaries that do not include drawing people into my business or allowing them to do as they please.      Strength is about forgiveness and self-reliance, not blame and dependence. 

     Vengeance is not strength. Forgiveness is strength. I need to forgive. I can't forget, though. I have to remember in order to make sure I don't repeat the past. 

     I cant keep going back to the hospital. I'm legit worried what they might do. I need to see beyond. I need to decrease the darkness. I need to understand what I CAN do. I keep fading out. And its wearing on people. I need to understand better. I'm getting too focused on the dark. This is getting confusing.      The hospital needs to try harder to coordinate care. They didn't even try.      I feel like I need to set more realistic expectations. Remind people that whatever you call what I have, with the number of hospitals I've been to, there's something seriously wrong. They just don't agree on what it is. Some call it cPTSD, others DID, some insist that they don't believe in either and they want to call it bipolar. But whatever you do or do not call it, it's a serious problem.      I  keep trying to think that people want to help. But most of them just want to bury it. They find it amusing at first, kinda novel, then ...