Darkness Until Dawn

     What worries me the most is that I have struggled so much to communicate with people, and I don't seem to be getting more effective at it. That's why I feel certain I need to simplify my life. I need a more manageable life. I honestly am not sure how I can be such a bad communicator. Maybe I leave too much unsaid. That's part of why I want to focus on written communication. So I can see what I'm saying as I say it.     I really need to focus on the essentials. My income, writing, and health. I can't afford to lose focus. I've had far too much chaos in my life. I need simplicity. Basics. I just don't think I have the emotional bandwidth for more complication or distraction. Maybe that really is my big take home lesson for this whole saga. I need a simple life. People so often try to me into various things but with my memory like it is I can't afford to play around.     It's not my desire for anyone to have trouble, including myself. A simple life...

I keep getting this nagging feeling that something bad might happen. I want to be extremely cautious. I cant afford any setbacks. I dont think Ive been being vigilant enough. I'm going to simplify my life more. I want to focus on only the absolute essentials: work, writing, health.

I need to focus on improving my finances. I've scheduled more delivery shifts.

     I worry tremendously about being around people. I know I misinterpret people frequently, including people I know well. That's part of why I need to focus on what I'm good at... writing and working alone. Conflict seems inevitable. I need to stay away from potential conflict. I get so spacey.

I've been discouraged by social anxiety and agoraphobia. It doesn't prevent me from working because I'm mostly in my car. I feel a profound uneasiness around people. 

     I started doing deliveries yesterday after obtaining glasses. Accountec is fully operational. I just don't think it will be able to do the accounting work given my social skills. Plus there's liability concerns. I desire a quieter life.      Meanwhile, I continue to fill in plot elements for my Bloody Fourth story. I need to refresh myself on civil war culture a bit more, as well as a few key battles. As I write some of the prose, I'm becoming aware that I'll need to study the dialect of the time. I found it interesting that Lee was said to be a poor communicator. One source said he did not speak English, he spoke "Southern Gentleman". It was a slightly rambling speech with a lot of pauses and implied content. His subordinates were forced to fill in necessary details. There's so much detail of plot and character that I will have to generate almost from thin air, because the sources I have discovered thus far are pretty thin on the specific people and ...