Darkness Until Dawn

     Dear Small,      It gets lonely without you analyzing me. We should go for a walk sometime. Or climb a fence. Maybe break into IMU. Ah those were the days. Back when they didn't want to give me clozaril. Elle can fill you in. You missed a bit, Small. I wanted to pick you up. We could set up a dance floor in the gym. Maybe you can swing. In the old days, we used to shoot pool. I see you, I want to follow. Feels safe. When you're nearby. You looked so scared. But you were sweet. They invited me back. We just can't get enough of each other. Sleep well. Dont numb out.      Ashes

     A liddle obsessive? Nooooooo, nebber! Spidey just hab a hospital or twee to haunt.      Aiming the arachnapult at MIP...

She gloves me... she gloves me knot... she gloves me... She gloves me knot...

 

 MIP and I been goin' steady for about 27 years.

 

     You look quite lovely in scrubs. There's a white coat I could get used to. Been playing with fire? Dangerous business. You do understand why I'm doing this, yes? I'm a little less flappy these days. Prichards used to play with fire, too, you know. I'd hate for you to like it too much. It gets old. Take care of yourself. I wouldn't want you catching flu again. Anna looks quite cross with me. And we had had such a lovely smoothing over the time before. You know I am capable of hearing non-blondes, yes? I think you should check my pulse.  Have I told you lately, that I love you? Have I told you, there's an arsonist above you? Fill my take home bag with pill bottles Smile and my heart surely throttles Ease my troubles, that's what you do.      Yours,       Ashes

  Vell, Volly, a rather vindictive lot they are... they keep drifting toward the website... Volly, zee legged one is conspiring to drop leaflets over Falls Park. You let them upgrade to a gigabit, we'll never hear the end of it... too bad I can't bring Small flowers... I suppose I could air drop them into the courtyard...

Let's see... throw ccbh under di bus? check. throw mip under di bus? check. Prichards? mmmhmmm... Malacheck? too late. so tomorrow? Same bat website, same batty writer.

  Today's music therapy.

I think angry went the wrong way again. He keeps getting lost. You know, i think all any of these people would want is for everything to be ok. There's been enough excitement.

 I guess the problem with asking permission is that there is a pressure to say yes even when someone doesn't want to. I've been on both ends of that.

  One thing that I appreciate is that people clearly care, even when they don't understand. And they seem to try harder. But lately my energy is so low and inconsistent. I get frustrated with the medical. It's difficult to make decisions, but my life seems freer.

My allergies are really wearing on me. I think i developed a sinus infection. Resting it up. I feel that I'm getting too distracted by physical symptoms. fatigue, headaches. lack of sleep. I've become somewhat nocturnal. I get anxious around people. More posts to edit... details to change.

I remembered something about trauma. It's been said that an event that one person finds traumatic is not always interpreted the same way by others. So, differences in perspective and perception may explain the different reactions and the confusion around me. But I'm feeling better with the changes in the weather. Summer is bringing out something different. A sense of relief at last, though that doesn't mean its completely over. Waves. Moving through steps.

     There are many reasons why, every day, I take time to remind myself why I'm doing this. They revolve around the house full of pills, the .38, all the people involved, the ICUs, the ERs, the endless overmedicalization. And we know now more than we did then. That's why the past doesn't have to repeat. And from what I understand, legal action is inevitable. But, if I stay clear and the hospital makes some adjustments, then there can be a brighter future. For everyone.       So I may seem obsessed, but for me it's life and death for more people then just me.

     My life does have similarities with Munchausen's by proxy. Being carted around from hospital to hospital, center to center. It makes no sense. Nope, we gotta dx and drug. Can't go with normal. That would make too much sense. Though since I do have several disorders independently confirmed in controlled settings, it's not fully explanatory. That's why over medicalized makes more sense. Real problems, exaggerated. Some are permanent. Autism. Mild adhd. Capd. Probably ptsd. I'm just tired of medical. Im not even that old. It used to be interesting. These doctors need to be more careful. That's why I wanted to talk to public health. Because I see it the way that Munchausen's video sees it. As a waste of resources. These magic maker doctors are straining the system with referrals and consults and drugs and tests. If they get a few auditors, they can save resources from being wasted.     The more I can shut down the medicalization before it starts, the happie...

I lacked awareness. I cannot repeat failure.

 

I keep getting the feeling there's more work to do. I have to make sure I finish this. I cannot fall back into my old life. I think Im seeing the big picture. But im tired and some people are bad in combination. It's important that I'm around the right people. 

that this struggle is over soon. That I can get to the living of life phase.

     I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm getting ready for summer. I need to focus on real life. It just makes me angry. Because think about it. Whatever these professionals did or did not do, I did not write my own prescriptions, I did not indoctrinate myself. I was taught. I was armed with drugs. Then I bought a .38. Where is the responsibility? Where is the common sense? He didn't just endanger me or leaves, but EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's where I get particularly angry. What was he going to say if the gun went off? Oops? I didn't know? I'm sorry? What was he going to say? Those drugs are powerful. High doses, often outside of guidelines. Multiple drugs at a time. You can't predict the results. It's not possible.      But I'm keeping it down at about a 7. Sometimes I get to 5 or even 4. Maybe as low as 2. I don't think I've touched bottom at 0, but I'm getting closer. It seems like people are starting to understand. It's only been 5 ye...

   Head and face still hurt at times. Energy seems more stable but still low. I'm just glad I'm relating to people better now. A little less intense. Still convinced that clozapine, minipress, gabapentin, stimulants, mirapex... these drugs are dangerous. I was mislead. Especially about minipress.     I understand that people are just worried. But if the hospital feels the need to post security, that catches my attention. But the team doesn’t seem worried. The female ones. Not too worried. I do think those drugs did something to my mind. Evidence, they say. But I think that they're right. The records and experts know. It doesnt matter what I say. So thats a relief. Today I need to try to get more housework done. I've been distracted by the medical. But my mood is brighter. My women seem confident.

     Angry's not feeling like himself. He's been struck by a strange feeling of increased calm. Hallucinating less. Angry is feeling less angry. He's misplaced his rage. He's hoping not to find it.