Darkness Until Dawn

Oceans apart, day after day And I slowly go insane I hear your voice on the line But it doesn't stop the pain If I see you next to never But how can we say forever? Wherever you go , whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you I took for granted all the times That I thought would last somehow I hear the laughter, I taste the tears But I can't get near you now Oh, can't you see it, baby? You've got me going crazy Wherever you go, whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you I wonder how we can survive This romance But in the end , if I'm with you I'll take the chance Oh, can't you see it, baby? You've got me goin' crazy Wherever you go, whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you

     So all this talkin bout dreams... I've lived here a long time. I had hoped to do something for the city... maybe use my words... it's a beautiful city... so many different people... if I can remember enough... maybe write a little... help people know this city... it's more a matter of recall.       The memories are there, the psychologist at Clarity said. She said i can't access them, they are blocked.  I can't see the big picture. If I can piece it together, maybe the city can see what I see... so, I guess that's the thing I feel i can't give up. My personal resentments are a smaller thing. My concerns about prescriptions... somewhere in-between.       So maybe I can put a few rocks down, grab that chisel... hopefully, give people a good idea. Just don't ask me for names. People gotta live here.

My friends,      You got me to here. I want you to know that you are safe. There is no danger. I made it this far.       Do not worry. Molly has me with Coffee Pudding now. They are going to help me. I need to resolve this issue with the old guard. Please be patient. And do not worry. I believe Malacheck's death is suspicious. I'm very concerned about the medical decisions that were made. Some of the medications prescribed. I want our home to be safe. For everyone.       It will be ok. I hope I can trust my community to let me understand what happened. Why Malacheck is dead. What these medications did to my mind. Are they safe to be used this way. I was a minor. Decisions were made without independence. I want to understand. I want everyone to be safe. I need you to trust me. You know me. You know I don't want you harmed. That is not who I am. Ashes and dust

There may be a few more reasons the hospital gets frustrated.  I had been there so much. I knew every square inch. That's not good.  Then. The strange behavior... The child eats, sits, sleeps. The communicator talks too much. Tries to make friends. It was her idea. Blame #2. It wasn't me.  The gatekeeper is cryptic. Sorry, guys, this person is closed. Move Along Please.  The helper tries to help everyone Well, you know at crisis line we did this and that or have you heard of this resource here? Well, maybe quetiapine isn't right for you? The solver is thinking... You know, maybe they'll give me another Bipolar again. Man, Another diploma. F'hD. I passed Cyclothymic. I reached both I and II. Or maybe a GAD again? That worries me.  The continuing is on vacation on the outside. Sorry guys. Need some sun. Got some cooking to do. Love to Chat, On the flip side. The Protector is acting like security. Uh, Hey fellas we shouldn't be saying that to so and so. Not Cool. T...

     So, I was thinking. As usual. And I figured out the reason why the hospital staff alternated from confused to amused to frustrated. I generated 600 pages from one ten-day hospitalization. Let me unpack... 600 pages / 10 days = 60 pages of charting/day 60/ 24 = 2.5 PPH (pages pages per hour) No wonder they were annoyed.       But i got souvenirs. They were so kind as to mail my counselor a 600-page book of charting to review. She's still working on it. I wonder what I was like? She says it's mostly consistent with what she was told. She and my coffee must be good friends. Coffee is kinda hot. Of course I tell them everything, so they must be meant to be together. I hope they keep in touch. 

I thought I would explain threats of Harm in relation to Dissociation.  When someone with a dissociative disorder feels overstimulated or high adrenaline, they feel unsafe. For me, I activate the kill switch. I tell someone that seems safe. A professional. No one is in any danger. Dissociation is much like sleepwalking. Acting on past memories. It's not the same as psychosis, but it looks similar.  I figured out why I said I was thinking of harming my counselor. The same reason I told that employee at MIP i was thinking of harming her all those years ago. Activating the kill switch. The hospital had a half dozen security there. They gave me a shot of antipsychotics, moved me to IMU. Later, I felt safe again, and i was around her again. She was never in danger. I don't remember her name. But there is a law requiring notification of the person threatened. I knew that. I just wanted my counselor to know I was feeling unsafe. I felt like they were not letting me talk to her. So, I...