Darkness Until Dawn

    I feel that when I was growing up, fake it till you make it seemed like a winning strategy. It seemed accepted. These days, some of the cracks in that philosophy seem more obvious. I feel like I hear more people talking about the importance of being genuine.      Fake it till you make it is most associated with a salesman known as Glenn W. Turner and is different from the psychological concept known as "acting as if" in that acting as if means to emulate qualities that you don't actually have such as confidence, but fake it till you make it is a philosophy that encourages dishonesty in social interactions in order to project a certain lifestyle or talent that isn't actually there. Presenting yourself as a great investor while hiding losses would be an example of fake it until you make it. Presenting yourself as confident while being honest about your performance would be acting as if.      Fake it till you make it goes hand in hand with Ableis...

 I'm worried about whats going to happen to me. I'm not doing well.

Spidey werkin' on Anger So he dudent be a danger Gonna help di doctors learn So Spidey gets a chance to earn Sumday he pind black widow too Hab a nest and breed a few Move on and have his liddle piece and maybe find more love and peace!

      I'm trying to do this counseling so I can express myself better but I'm getting too old to be arguing with mental health workers and family about what I need. I'm getting too old to be alone. I can be useful if people WILL LET ME BE USEFUL. I can cook and clean and work if I have the right help and medication and people WILL GIVE ME THAT OPPORTUNITY. I mean, for Christ's sake, I have education in three $&T*#$# fields!!!!!!!!!!! SO LET ME HELP. DON'T THREATEN ME, DON'T LIE TO ME, let me help. And be satisfied with less than perfect. Otherwise, yes, you'll be doing everything and I'll be useless. They call it a right to work state. I'd like to do that. 

     There was one point i started dissociating really badly. The social worker Kat said that arson was off the team. TO MY AWARENESS she said, he's not part of the team. Later those words came back, and I started walking around repeating them... I wanted to break something. Very badly.       Then they wondered why I said I wanted to hurt my counselor. Because I needed her and she was not there to explain to them. Because apparently, I wasn't explaining very well. Instead, I was stuck in that toxic mess, and no one was actually helping me. So, I asked for seroquel because I knew it would calm me down long enough to get out. And once I was out, she could help me. Hopefully the past will only make more sense as time goes on.

     Abruptly stopping a med can be dangerous. Pristiq had been on auto refill. I didn't notice when it wasn't auto refilled. What's more, Walgreens failed to say anything and simply removed it from my meds. Which is I think is completely unethical. Either don't have auto refill or do your damn job. So now I'm having more called in.      Unfortunately, the abrupt D/C led to suicidal thinking and flu-like symptoms. I was like what the hell is wrong with me? Life can be crazy. Meds can be... difficult.

     If the hospital can't recognize autism, can't recognize trauma, then God help them because I surely can't.  If they can manage to screw up a hospital stay that badly, then God help them because I surely can't. Because if they wanna go legal, bring it on. We can all lawyer up and argue all day. But me, I have to let things go. Because I took the Spravato, knowing there were risks, and yeah, I contacted the nurse. They need to cool their jets, though. Count to ten and stop making stupid ASS out of U And Me PTIONS. That's dangerous.       LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT FREAKING TRAUMA AND AUTISM. IT'S YOUR DAMN JOBS. There's your feedback survey. Otherwise, we're not helping anyone. It's not like autism is that uncommon. And we know more than we did in the 90s. Anyways, some things are best handled in an outpatient setting. Elle understood. Leaves understood. Some of y'all could try a hell of a lot harder though.      Anyways. World's got ...

     Bipolar and DID both involve a disconnection from reality. I've seen psychosis in action, and the ideas that come out are generally very far from reality. With Bipolar, you see such an incredibly inflated sense of importance, whereas with DID there is, in my experience, a great deal of agony and very little sense of importance. Someone with bipolar can feel very important and powerful, whereas with DID it is more like the invisible man. One is an ego out of control, the other is a wounded ego. 

 https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Asperger_syndrome#:~:text=Asperger%20syndrome%20(AS)%20was%20formerly,diagnosis%20under%20autism%20spectrum%20disorder.

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     Trauma can manifest in various ways, including emotional, psychological, and physical symptoms. Emotional signs include persistent sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, shame, and guilt. Psychological signs can include intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty concentrating, and avoidance of trauma reminders. Physical signs may include sleep disturbances, fatigue, aches and pains, and changes in appetite or eating patterns.  Here's a more detailed breakdown: Emotional and Psychological Signs: Intrusive thoughts and memories: Recurring, unwanted thoughts, images, or sensations related to the traumatic event according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).  Flashbacks: * Feeling as though the traumatic event is happening again in the present moment. * Nightmares: Disturbing dreams related to the trauma. (I don't remember dreams usually) Avoidance: ** Actively trying to avoid places, people, activities, or even thoughts and feelings associat...

     Munchhousen's by proxy (MSP) is now known as a fictitious disorder imposed on another (FDIA). I've seen real life examples of this. A parent or caregiver can be unhappy, and they induce or exaggerate symptoms in another person to generate sympathy or take out their negative emotions on that person. It's very hard to catch. It was first published on in 1951.      Munchhousen's tends to generate high health care costs and unnecessary procedures. It is underdiagnosed because it is not well known and there is a high rate of countertransference. Patients with Munchhousen's have high mortality rates due to symptoms imposed on self and others.      The term was introduced by someone named Asher to describe individuals who intentionally produce signs and symptoms of a disease and who tend to seek medical or hospital care.       In 1977, Meadow used the term “Munchausen syndrome by proxy” to describe children whose mothers p...

       On further reflection, the issues that pop up most frequently are Munchhousen's byproxy, DID, and mild autism spectrum.       The first because of the microanalysis of my faults, some controlling behavior, along with how publicized my health has always been. It's like my families are addicted to dissecting me. Can't leave well enough alone. Because I've spent so much time in hospitals. Because of the poor boundaries and high or moving standards. There's really so much detail to go behind this theory. That munchhousen's article lights up my brain like a fire.      The second because of the repeated tests of memory that come back with difficulties in recall, the testing in controlled settings, all the drugs, the docs and hospitals, the inconsistent realities, the patterns and changes in consciousness... it all adds up.      The third because it's been a part of the picture since the nineties and clearly explains ...

     I guess we all have some fear about people knowing the truth about ourselves. I got tired. I needed some privacy. It went in some weird directions. No one is perfect. I think having more control over my health care was necessary. I have so much to do. The 90s wasn't health friendly. For smart people, one of the bigger threats was carpal tunnel. Now we have better keyboards, better care, voice recognition, handwriting recognition, etc. The Spravato was a little hard to manage. Harder than ketamine, I think. I really need my families on the same page. So, life is a little less like Zombie. I had limitations. We all made mistakes. Now I manage my anger and work on managing my own health.     The thing I like about a website is I can tell everyone the same thing at the same time. Rather then inventing and improvising and hoping no one gets pissed off. Humans can be exhausting. I need to avoid interfamily warfare. I'm working on hiring a very part time executive...

Come to think of it, when a healthcare professional said my parents were harmful, that person was right. Pushing medical care i did not want or need. Munchausen Byproxy. Not that I've been diagnosed. But it has similarities. I've seen it with other people. Keep in mind this is from the perspective of a traumatized and improperly medicated person. My perspective is thus biased. I've had a difficult time. 

Angry got tired of MIP. Angry decided group therapy online. They invited me back. Maybe Arson will set me on fire. I think he wants to.

     Countertransference is an unconscious effect in mental health relationships, and neither the clinician nor the client realizes it is happening. It serves as an important reminder that mental health professionals are human too, with their own biases, history, and emotions that can influence their thoughts and reactions to clients.      In a mental health session, a client might remind the professional of someone or something from their past or present. Consequently, the clinician might unconsciously treat the client in an emotionally charged or biased manner. Clinicians must be aware of countertransference at all times and actively work to acknowledge and manage it in their practice. Countertransference in mental health refers to the emotional reactions, biases, or perceptions a professional may have towards a client, influenced by the professional's personal experiences, unconscious feelings, or issues. It can affect the therapeutic relationship and tr...