Darkness Until Dawn

I'm not arguing that my behavior is strange. But the bipolar bullshit has to stop. How anyone who knows me cannot recognize trauma responses and ptsd by now, I have no damn clue. It couldnt be more obvious than if it hit you like a brick. Seriously. 2 comas??? Hello??? Anyone home? Maybe not threatening people is a good avoid to avoid symptoms of paranoia. Maybe not being hostile and dishonest is a good way to establish and maintain trust. It's not funny. You're not helping. Don't call me, mip. I've got the PA now. Leave it be. Dont do a come hither with some medication you won't even name. Destroys trust.

     Traumatic bonding is a phenomenon that occurs when people experience a traumatic event together, such as battle, and develop a strong emotional attachment to an abuser. Victims form a positive bond with abusers in interactions marked by clear power differentials. Examples of situations that can result in traumatic bonding include sexual abuse, human trafficking, and hostage situations. Some prefer the term "victim" for life-threatening traumatic experiences, while others choose "survivor," "warrior," or "victor."      What matters is that those who have experienced these traumas have a say in how they refer to themselves, and the words we use should accurately reflect their experiences. The term "Stockholm syndrome" attempts to explain why some survivors of hostage situations do not engage in a fight-or-flight response and even sympathize with perpetrators, as supposedly evidenced by a lack of cooperation with police and expression...

So now I spend my days trying to get from the 8-10 range (Anger, fury, Rage) to the 0-5 range. I need to be stable in the lower Polyvagal range so that this VNS device the state spent money on and the education and stuff can be worth it and so that the community can be calm and happy and so that the state can keep this from happening to anyone else. Medicalized perfectionism. Overeducation. Toxic work ethic. empty, medicated, permanently disabled useless burden on society. It seems like a good goal. The hospital doesn't like me talking, so they play games. But they can't really stop me, name on buildings, state/federal observation, things like that. I do want this state to be safe. I do want no excessive prescribing. I don't know who checks this website, I only know people report back. I do know my counselor and my PA check it. I like people to feel safe. If I wanted people to be harmed, I would not have asked the FBI to monitor me. That would be the opposite of intelligent...

Today I have 130 friends from Singapore. Hi! I hope you like my American Crazy. Maybe I should rename it Psychiatry run amuck. South Carolinas psychiatrists failed so badly they had to ship me to MA. Now they're looking for a new state or a hole. Maybe y'all like me in Singapore? I bring a few pills? We can Google together, and I'll tell you the disorders, indications, and side effects! POP Quiz! How do you proliferate handguns? Hand out minipress. Titrate up. Titrate down quickly. Deny all responsibility. You'll have SWAT teams On THE streets in no time. Go ahead, find an LPC to blame. We're listening. That's licensed professional counselor, BTW. Go ahead, blame the patient. Blame the pharmacy. FIND SOMEONE TO BLAME SHRINK. YOU'RE NAMES ON THE SCRIPTS. EVERYONE KNOWS. YOU THINK THEY APPRECIATE IT? YOU THINK THE DEA LIKES LEGALIZED DRUG TRAFFICKING AND GUNS ON THE STREETS? FIND SOMEONE TO BLAME. GO AHEAD. WE'RE LISTENING. I BOUGHT THE BULLSHIT. YOU THINK...

See DID therapy is more like... exploration... Cuz we build all these characters around personality elements and then they have adventures and do fun things. I picked animals. Some people pick superheroes. But I like the animals. Because they are in nature. Not in a locked building where everything is artificial, even the light. With the child it's like preschool, then it goes up in number as the elements grow older... until you get to the adults. We all have a child inside, if we're human and not a robot shrink. We all like to have fun. The shrinks get it all wrong. Theory and accountability and advanced thought through chemical modification. I had a lot of good teachers. They worked in schools. Counselor's offices. Nutrition offices. Psychologists and shrinks get too technical. Some of them I hate with a passion. Snotty little bastards. There are exceptions. Some people know how to be personal but not with God complexes. I can't stand people with God complexes. I'...

     I liked this one thing my counselor said when I was really angry. She was like "Tell Angry, 'Back off, Angry". It was funny. Somehow not so funny at the time but now it is.       IMA did try very hard. But they found it all very alarming. The Internist, he tried to talk me through a little, got me connected with some other people.       The nutritionist issue was the key problem. She had been very kind. I still use her knowledge. Oh, the hospital nutritionist was thrilled. We talked on the phone for an hour. Going on and on about this food and that food, and how this works well, and I know why she told you that... Sometimes I'm good at conversation.       MIP got real mad about that. Oh, those shrinks taught me a lot. They got a bit frustrated. Arson is so funny. We've known each other too long. That's why we need to see other people. I don't mind Arson so much, he's just not knowing maybe how to deal with t...

Ok, now that I'm partially vented... And CCBH got theirs in too... months of harassing phone calls after the complaint I filed. But that's not why I'm careful about filing complaints or even complaining in person. Those of you who may have met me in real life may notice that I am known for politeness. There's a reason for that. Some people think it's fake. But I like to think about the good eggs. The people on the ground. Not the highflyers. The ones on the ground. They're not on TV. Their names are not well known. They are not usually rich. Not all of them work in healthcare, but many do. They tend not to flap their mouths too much, but if you're decent to them, and you have good boundaries, you can get to know a few... I keep them in my memory. I replay the things they say. Sometimes I have conversations with them. It's like being in Heaven. I think of all my people. The good eggs. We hang out. We talk. We laugh. We go to imaginary parks and skip rocks...

I'm trying to move past the anger stuff... but hearing from MIP or certain other people is not easy. Holidays can be extremely difficult.  I got me some breakfast. Did some cleaning. But MIP and certain people got me thinking about that old blame game... so let's play... Step right up folks! Blame is for sale! Who wants to play? In this corner, we have the mentally fucked disabled guy. In these three corners, we have the hospitals, the family, and the drugs. Ok, let's get started. CCBH, any words? Well maybe this here fellow is a classic psychopath. You know, the kind that goes around collecting. Yes, let's just program that in and medicate. Release into society. We'll threaten before we do it. Play mind games all day long. Till he's agitated as fuck and we get to force medicate. Then we'll release the drugged zombie, unable to function, and then when he gets off the drugs, he'll remember to sue us. Yes! Let's do it! Interesting. McClean? Um, no comm...

God forbid I should think for myself. Fell outta the Nazi Lockstep. Makes people angry. If this was the army, it might make more sense. But this is not army.  So again, before anyone tries to reindoctrinate me, forced medication is bad. Toxic masculinity is very real. Bipolar is sometimes real but is overdiagnosed. Diagnosing people based on gender or your own self image is dangerous. Overlooking red flags and passing them off as psychosis or some sort of fictitious disorder and not addressing the root causes, especially in combination with incorrect medication or over medication or turning someone into a pharmacy is extremely dangerous. Violating ethics requirements of your licensure is extremely dangerous. Life or death, permanent disability dangerous. Reported to the licensure board dangerous. Possible lawsuit dangerous.  I just need to remind the force medicators now and then. The sick psychopaths with degrees that sit around and twist minds in thier own image. Those peopl...