Darkness Until Dawn

     Something that MIP helped educate me about was trauma. It is unwise and unhelpful to bring up someone else's trauma in conversation. Let me repeat that. It is UNWISE and UNHELPFUL to bring up trauma.     I realize some people will look down on me for being the way I am. That is their problem and not mine. Some people go to war and get a leg blown off, others get medically manipulated and end up in multiple comas and somehow come back. The result is trauma. You can call it PTSD, cPTSD, or in some cases, DID. I do not give a darn  about people who are not intelligent enough to have common sense about trauma. The proper term is survivor, not victim.     Furthermore, please do not make me file reports with regulatory or law enforcement agencies. I do not like doing it, contrary to popular belief. It extremely unwise (read: stupid) to goad or agitate someone with trauma. It is dangerous. I will not apologize for defending myself either physicall...

Repeat after me: Ashes and Dust's memory is IMPAIRED . He can REMEMBER . He may not be able to RECALL . Repeat that 63 times and then reconsider being demanding of me. If you still have the desire to be aggressive towards me, consult a psychologist and then a priest. 

    I don't know what goes on in people's heads. Now I'm just bitter. Before I was idealistic. Things change. People change. Sometimes there's no going back. I am past the point of no return. Anyone who wants to be in my life must respect my personal space and beliefs or you will not like the result. In short, don't mess with me. I'm tired of repeating myself.       Internalized Anger. That was 1997. It's 2025. It seems the anger is still there. Dont play with fire. You will get burned. Just leave me be. I am far beyond caring what your interpretations of my problems with my families are. I need to move on. That means leaving some people behind. Expecting people to change is like expecting the Red Sea to part. Only God does that. The truth is, sometimes life is just that: dark. I've actually written a lot more then I have posted but in the process of dealing with life changes much of it was lost. I can't actually change what I write every time someon...

I like playing with my cat. I want to spend more time with my guitar in private. I have a few things to sell. Please don't ask about my past or my family. I have more then a few ghosts. I like art. I like Spanish and French, though I'm not familiar with speaking French. I'm very much into technology. I don't actually like talking about myself. I lean towards European sports. I admire humility. I'm rather sick of being pushed around. I like to read. Ive spent so much time litigating my health that it has consumed me. I like cool weather and rain. I like animals. My skills are mostly academic. God grant me the peace to show up in public again, the patience to learn again, and the wisdom to bite my tongue. Grant psychiatrists the humility they so desperately need and the wisdom to shut their mouths. Amen. 🙏 

     When you have too many people giving you advice, it's very much like garbage in, garbage out. Too much noise on the line. There's been a lot of BS coming my way. So, congratulations, you get what you pay for. But it's making me angry. I'm trying to have a sense of humor about this. Otherwise, it's radio silence for now.       Never mind established research, let's circle the wagons and BS away. Never mind other professionals' standardized testing, let's be verbally abusive in a hospital setting. Find someone to blame, people.      Honestly, what I'm engaging in could more accurately be called journalism then advocacy. But I'm trying to help. The health care workers are frustrated. Families are frustrated. I've been thinking about lawsuits. It needs to stop. There's not a hole to bury me in yet. So maybe back off angry. Just a little. Show some respect for the team. You think this is easy? You're dreaming.

     There was a time when I thought I had some understanding of people. I did love psychology. I'm so tired of trying to understand people. I write these words hoping someone might find some comfort in knowing that someone else out there struggles. When we're all just walking around, it's not so clear. Sometimes people say the strangest things.       Now I avoid people. It's gotten too difficult. I keep getting pushback. I don't understand the program. Then they get angry that I don't get it. As if I'm trying to obstruct. I'm just breathing, folks. Waiting for y'all to figure out what you want. I'll still be here when you do. Just make sure to keep it simple. Don't make me run around, waste my energy and my time. I've done that enough. I just don't get it.       Now it's like shooting in the dark, tired of getting hit. Sometimes hospitals try too hard. They try to accomplish too much in too little time, then get mad when it doesn...

     Some people are cocky. They like to tear other people down. I met a few in the hospital. It was sad. See, in life, we are meant to pay attention to what we are trying to do, not to tearing other people down. Some people miss that one. They can't resist. It's like their crack cocaine, tearing other people down. Me, I try to reserve it for people that need to be deflated a little. People that are presuming. And I try to use it sparingly, because I'm more used to the opposite. At Crisisline, my first priority was following protocol. But I was there to help people. To listen. And if they kept me around for 3.5 years, I must have been good at it. I'm just having trouble enjoying things. No need to get smart or threaten. I don't have as much energy as I used to. I have to save it for taking care of myself. Maybe I got a little off track on the advocating. Such a strange word. I went in a few different directions. I don't understand what's going on. Some days,...

I wonder why people say some things. It seems sadistic, some things people say. Yeah, I've gotten death threats. A few. It's a strange place to live sometimes. In a strange time. So might as well let everyone know exactly where to find me. Because if I end up dead at this point, they'll know right where to look. So, there is no danger. No one would be that stupid. It's just depressing people feel the need to make death threats.

    Someone said something funny the other day. She said its good to see someone thriving. Somehow I'm not sure what she meant. This seems slightly short of thriving. I don't understand doctors. I've got a sinking feeling. I feel like I'm seeing only the dark. I'm not even sure why. I liked myself much better before I knew what I know now. World's going in wierd directions. I'm not sure exactly what these people are trying to accomplish. Maybe I should write more fantasy. Realism seems over-rated. It's gotten too dark.         All I know is that i need to change directions. I really don't understand these doctors. Or the hospitals. Makes no sense.       The other funny thing is the lies people tell. The doctors will say one lie, the patients a different lie, BUT THEY BOTH LIE. And then they point fingers. Makes no sense. I don't get these people. 

I need to think about something else. Thinking about money, psychology, and work is not doing it for me. I feel like I've been sprinting the wrong direction for decades. I need a reset. Clear my head. I'm so tired of this. Everyone thinking they know what I need and not having a damn clue. Bad programming. I learned wrong. I need to reprogram. Just a toxic cycle. I hope they find the wisdom. Make that pray. I pray they find the wisdom to ban clozaril permanently. Dumbest shit. Just a numb zombie stumbling around. For what? Permanent disability.  Great darn idea. Let's think another one. Geniuses. Truly. Stupid stupid stupid.

I cannot swing too far to either side. I have to stay in the middle. I cannot indulge in liberalized medicine. I cannot indulge in revenge. There's work to do. Just because my life has changed does not mean that the world has stopped. It's still moving and there is so much going on. But I have to be sure of my footing. Walking blindly is not the path. Each day I have to remind myself of the goals and the directions. I cannot get off track now. I've come too far. They say I am strange, but this road might be stranger in that I'm definitely walking between groups. Have the liberal doctors repented, like I have? Are they being more careful? Are there others? Were there other houses full of pills? It seems like an important question. Because I know not everyone had the same experience. I know that the hospital is different now. And the CBT BS? Toxic masculinity? The meds? Have we truly learned? I hope so. I'm having trouble getting out of the past. I know that it's ...

     What does determination look like? Much like stubbornness or courage. Doing something you know is right, consequences be damned. I have to return to my journals again and again to remind me of what the doctors want me to forget: the problems of Greenville County. There are people determined to see this through. I have to remind myself so that next time the doctors or their friends try me, I won't be suckered back in or intimidated by their threats. Because I'm not one of them. I'm the Auditor. 

Here's a new idea: If you want me to stop lying about my families, stop lying to me and others about myself. If you want me to respect doctors, respect patients.  If you don't want me playing games, don't play games with me. If you want me to stop idealizing, stop idealizing me.f If you want me to stop threatening, stop threatening me. Don't put me in a toy house and pull my strings and expect me to smile and kiss the royal ring. Don't sweep your colleagues mistakes under the rug and demonize me and expect it to go away. I have freedom of speech. Get freaking used to it. If you ever want to see me again. Just stop being assholes and I will too. Deal? Let's not make talking through lawyers necessary.  I'll be more able to work and mind my own business and all that if people stop messing around with me. And my mike truly has been <coughassholeahem> not very nice but I'm sure he's sorry and I'm sorry for calling him an asshole and maybe if we ...

The thing thats most disturbing to me is the memory issues. My memory is not cohesive. It's divided. At any given times, different blocks of the past are more or less recallable. Most of the time there's very large blocks i cannot remember.

I guess when Prichards wanted a case study, this isn't what he had in mind. Well, you taught me everything. Maybe I use it. Well, thats kinda funny. I mean... I'm relying on medical advice. Hah. And yet they enjoy being pissed off. That i followed his advice and sometimes still do. That's funny. It really is. I've internalized them. The doctors. The EPS is really bad. That's muscle spasms and restlessness.

     People develop more understanding as they get older. They really do. When you're young, it doesn't always occur to you that people understand more at an older age. They see more shades of gray. Especially when not drugged. That's why I simplified. There are multiple professionals who believe that Prichards, clozapine, and the Bipolar/CBT BS I was buying into were all not a good fit for me.       I have to heed medical advice. Y'all can't even agree. You just agree it's messed up. I think we all can. So I decided to rename the series. We can still be proud. Not of our mistakes. But from learning and adapting to what we did not know before. SO LEARN. 

Sometimes I'm careful about what they want to hear. Telling people what they want to hear is the inverse of believing everything you hear. Sometimes white lies are required. When people won't back off. Then later, you have to let them figure the rest out for themselves. When people are giving you orders that you cannot carry out. Anyways. Tired of conflict. Starting to remind myself of "Insomnia".

Now, where was I? Ah, yes, Angry. Angry is a little upset with the medical system. Angry feels they aren't listening. Angry isn't alone. Other people are Angry too. Angry just wants to make sure people are safe. Be taken seriously for once. But the doctors are more interested in covering up their mistakes. But that's ok. Because people know what happened to Angry. At least some people understand Angry. We're all human. Angry just needs time and space. People that actually listen. Take Angry seriously. And Angry found them. They work at places like IMA.  The Drugs didn't get me through McClean. You wanna know what it was? Faith. I talked to God. People don't give me credit. But I have faith. I kept saying to Him... I know there must be a reason. You're trying to make me strong. But for what purpose? People don't want to give me credit. They want to demonize. Find someone or something to blame. And run around. It makes me Angry. Clozapine isn't worth t...

I feel like I'm trying to find my people. Some people have betrayed my trust and I have to keep them at arms length. Because it goes back to, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... it's over. Trying to determine how far an arms length is. Now, when its business, thats one thing. Lately it seems more personal. Now, if I was writing about my home from somewhere else... be a hell of a lot easier. I may have misplaced some passions. In latin, passion is emotions, feelings, or suffering. Com means with. So compassion means to share feelings or suffering. Em means in I think. Pathy means problem or infliction. Empathy... to be in someone's problem. Think too much? No, never. But empathy takes strength. A lot of it. It's tiring. That's why gratitude is important. I have to remember the good eggs. Even when they can't be there. So I'm spreading my trust. That seems to be the goal. Trust the community. Maybe without antagonizing. Maybe without scaring the kids....

I think getting older requires personality changes. And I'm not a great auditory communicator. But I don't want to inspire negativity. Some people are very private. And I've been there. Others are more open. Which is risky. Being open can be dangerous. But holding it in is dangerous too. The Psychiatrists wanted a study. But the hospitals don't seem good at that. Between that and the state and Federal money that helped pay for some of my care, I thought a more public study might be better. Not like a case study. Just people getting to know the real me. The Declozariled me. It's been traumatic. So it's hard to share me without sharing the trauma. But not sharing trauma is a good idea. So I need to avoid talking medical. Or too much Psychology. Clozaril does numb people out like crazy. It's SO STRONG. Systemic changes to the brain, re-regulating everything. Overrides human nature. Overrides conscience.  Some of my accounts follow the wrong things. I'm clea...

Dear SC,      I've been fairly vocal on the hospitals. I'm hoping not to see them again soon. Maybe we got to know each other too well. Boundaries are important. People make mistakes. It's because I care that I write. Truly great people do not need too much attention. They find ways to balance the giving and the taking. There's been some back and forth, I'm sure we both said things we did not mean. I'm certain my team is taking good care of me. I do hate clozaril, but it's not used much.       However, I don't want this swept under the rug. I want real change. I do know that MIP has tried. If the hospitals can focus on those boundaries, some positivity and teamwork, and being diligent about abuse and what they teach, then South Carolina will be better for it.       Teaching men that they are dangerous is not wise. Teaching them that one medication is the end all and be all for their life is not wise. Teaching men that they can be ge...

 So some of the things I'm suggesting for hospitals are appropriate for individuals. Rotating people in your life helps to keep it fresh and growth oriented. I'm not actually anti-science. I just want responsible science with accuracy. And not teaching people BS about chemical imbalances. Some people really do have bipolar. Whatever i have, its not what I was led to believe it was. My conscience has been heavy. I don't like knowing what I know about my county and my life. I want my life to be different. I'm waiting for my lawyer to get back. He's going to help me move in the right direction with my name. Social Security and I don't get along. I have to change one more time.

  Snoozing on the job, are we? Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Well, yes, orange looks good on you. Well, no, we didn't actually run out of cat treats... clean it up now... 

     So going back to the Drug War and medicalized perfectionism... In the 90s, thinking was a bit different. People were like Autism Spectrum? Asper-what? ADHme? Bipolar reorder? SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder? Schizo this and that? Dissociate? Psychosis? Red pill, blue pill? Adrenaline?       Maybe I am weird. I learned from the best. Y'all taught me something. Atlanta. Greenville. Charleston. Anderson. MA. Y'all taught me something, right? Maybe it's time to trust that you taught well. To stop hiding behind your locked doors. Maybe keeping people safe can happen out in the community. Maybe my brother isn't actually God. Nor my father. Just maybe. Maybe being the youngest doesn't automatically make me stupid or a fool. Maybe not quite a criminal mastermind either. Maybe having trouble going out in public doesn't make me an atheist. Maybe having DID doesn't make me a demon worshipper or a drug addict. Maybe we really did get into this together. I'm ...

     Science and religion have remarkably different views sometimes. I've known a lot of truly great people. I do know how to fight but I prefer to keep the peace. So if I don't speak you'll have to forgive me. If I don't visit or volunteer, you'll have to forgive me. I'm coming back down from anger. In my own way and time.      Clozana has a way of submerging anger. Of greying the lines and the boundaries. But I am not a robot or zombie, nor inherently evil. You treat someone like an animal, that is what you will get. You treat them like a human being with independent thought and the potential for good will, you might just get that. Now the world can witness the effects of legalized drugs and miseducation. I hope Belmont is paying attention. Before I get to that lawyer point. Because it gets messy. And we got here together. Even the lawyers seem nervous. That says something.      Anyways, back to boundaries and one size definitely does not f...

Ever since i filed those FBI reports the phone has barely whispered. I'm absolutely loving it. I don't know what they did or didn't do. That's the beauty of it. I don't actually have to know. Maybe they checked my devices for malicious code. I swear the damn thing never rings. I've never BEEN so unpopular. It's fantastic. Now, hopefully that printer gets here so I can file those taxes.

I like Instagram. FB is useful. LinkedIn was... frustrating but I may try again. Tiktok is bizarre. Tiktok scares me in multiple ways. snapchat is the absolute worst save dating sites. I have not used YouTube for much more then how to type stuff.  I like Instagram because I find more real world, cleaner stuff (with exceptions). It helps me keep up with whats really happening. For me, tiktok is like crypto or nuclear power or AI... use with extreme caution. 

Edward Ward was a hard man. His stubbornness had led him to a place that not many black men had arrived: the physician's staff of Memorial. His head was bald, his eyes deep, he had a hard skull. He was built like a Mason, but through long hour of study his flesh had contracted somewhat to a lean and wiry frame. He could see. He could complexity in natures. History can be denial so easily. Fear can be resentment in a heartbeat. He knew he had eyes on him, and why not? He didn't exactly fit in. His skin was dark, the color of ebony. But he trusted the system, despite evidence to the contrary he needed to believe. They ran around him, but not over him. They knew better. He had paid his dues. Now he was assigned to the Psychiatry unit down by Memorial. He had lived for a while in a house off the motor mile. Then things got complicated.  She had meant so much to him. They had been through highs and lows. Through so many surprises and setbacks. Helen. He had asked her to marry him. I...

     Spidey di only brown recluse in South Carolina! All Spidey wanted was a Black Widow in di nest, a few flies in di web... but nooooo... dey wanted di perfect arachnid. Di venom isn't poisonous enuff! Di legs too long! Di eyes a liddle fuzzy... one day I'll meet di rite Widow... we'll laff, hab fun, maybe she'll eat me...

Dearest Jenn,     Such a pleasure to chat. Such witty humor. It's so nice to talk to people my age. They really get me. I like the way some people talk. The word choice. The tones. There's so much depth to some conversation.      Unfortunately, I like your ideas. So I might have to use them. I made some notes.      I particularly like the Arugula Berry Salad idea that you referenced from Natasha's kitchen, the avocado egg salad recipe looks intriguing. The Downshiftology and Nutritional Psychology websites look fascinating. I'll have to google some foods.      Such a strange thing when males are not allowed in the kitchen. I'm glad you can relate on the toxic male thing and an individual focused treatment approach.     I loved K-. She was so great. It was draconian, what she taught me. The vegan type of stuff. But I really liked starting out with the really hard rules. I liked that she suggested it could be flexible. I lik...

The foot numbness is gone!! Now it hurts. The arch. Right foot. But this is good news! The headaches and the face pain also seem slightly better. I celebrated by buying a new hammer, replacing some toilet flappers, and picking out replacements for some damaged furniture from the Memorial Day Sale. A new recliner sofa, dark faux leather, and a new recliner, coffee colored. I'm going to have to throw out the futon. Unless anyone wants a futon with a broken leg? It's gonna rain again and I'll have to dig out my backyard drain... always clogs. Hopefully today I'll get some more cleaning done, review the recipes from the nutritionist, maybe exercise, write, and then tomorrow set up that printer so I can print out and mail taxes. 

I believe i have a moral obligation to warn people about woodruff road, CBT, Bipolar, drugs, and MIP... even McClean has actions to answer for. I need these answers before they sweep it under the rug or shut me up. I need answers. I have to keep people safe from these doctors. Cuz I know I was harmed. Who else was? How many people? Where does human engineering lead us?

 

 I feel like my self concept is distorted. Maybe I'm stating the obvious. I'm stuck between past and future. Dependence and independence. I'm still enmeshed. I need to change. I hope people still believe. I'm trying. My faith is a bit battered. 

     I think people are just frustrated with their own lives and secondarily with whatever is going on with me (definitely depends on who you ask). But so long as no one gives me cause to worry, I have no worry about my future. As far as legal action, I can only further reiterate that my personal affairs are not up for debate. That includes medical and legal.       Acceptable topics of conversation include: the weather, some sports, pop culture, history, food, culture, whatever is not my personal business. You can definitely expect me to meet you where you are. If you fight me, I will fight back.       I guess my greatest hope is that people quit playing games with my well-being. I'm not actually a science experiment. And surely, of all the medical problems, at least one is real. It just means I function differently. I gotta understand how this kind of false perfect gets going this way. They have this idea of who I am but I swear it...

     See, I always thought people in public generally stuck to thier company. But lately I've noticed people talking about me everywhere I go. At first it made me angry, then afraid.  But now I think maybe they just find me very interesting. And the cats doing so well. Such good spirits. I still have some work to do. But hopefully soon I'll be back around others. The medicine is helping. But I need to be patient. Today is Saturday. I've finally got the right month and almost always the right day and day of the week. Even time perception is better. Though I still lose chunks.

Well now the anemia dx makes more sense. Because I'm having all the symptoms. Symptoms that can occur include extreme tiredness, weakness and shortness of breath. People may experience: Whole body: dizziness, fatigue, lightheadedness, or malaise Heart: fast heart rate or palpitations Also common: brittle nails, headache, pallor, shortness of breath, or weakness Maybe that’s where low CO2 is from. Idk. Anyways, I'd go outside more but for the allergies, memory issues, and fatigue. Plus I feel like i have indoors work to do.  Buti think today, the weather is nice so I'll sit outside.

I picked my professionals carefully. I'm confident in these. I just need to give them time to make sure my lifestyle is healthy and my memory is fully integrated. Until they finish it need to avoid certain people. Not a fixit mentality. A healing one. Growing into a different way of life. And that allows me to be kinder. It allows me to be stable. To work. To live... outside of hospitals. 

See, I've been called many names. Some of the more offensive names were atheist, liar, shemale, psychotic, cracker, thing, it, cookie... somehow gay, straight, crazy seemed easier. You know, my head hurts every single day. My right foot hurts. The arch is having issues. That vagus nerve pain that radiates in the face and down the limbs. I'm wondering what effect the gabapentin had. I was on as much as... I think 1800. I'd have to check the records. I don't remember the dosing for that one. I'm sure the records are being preserved. We need to understand the effects of these combinations. Long term. And I need to stay away from doctors. So if you have an MD, I wouldn't plan to see me for years. Unless you're on my team. I need to avoid persons who know medical stuff and will undoubtedly have drastically different views of healthcare. 

So prichards wanted a case study. Arson suggested the same. So, I'm granting that wish. I am the most powerful insanity in the lamp! (Easy on the metal polish). Some people want to believe I'm faking. I know I'm not. I know I'm just challenging their world views and confusing them. So, they should mind their own business. It's just better for everyone.

See some people seem to think im some sort of criminal mastermind, others that I'm faking, others that I'm weak minded, and some people simply can't figure me out. And then I start suspecting that I talked my way into a psych unit in order to get them to produce documentation for a legal case, which is not actually true. So far we only seem to agree that I was dissociating. Though some people refer to that with the term "psychosis", its not an accurate use of the term. I suspect that psychosis is much less common than many psychiatrists believe. I still wonder how many actually know the difference. But unfortunately I have to deal the hand I was dealt. And that means avoiding certain people until after the court date. Since they refuse to recognize my reality simply because it conflicts with thier lives. I get it. You like the status quo. But I cant help you. I have to see this through. Until you can respect that, I can't be around you. You know who you are. T...

So I may have turned into a bit of a hermit. Maybe I've lashed out a bit from time to time. It's been confusing. Which is why I need alone time. To make sure I'm seeing my life from a rational perspective. From a wise perspective. That's why I need space. I can only control me. What I think and do. So I need to do that well. I need to decouple from some people. Not be enmeshed/codependent/cult-like. And I need to improve some of my skills. I need to be more well-rounded. 

Apparently, my anger is still too high, because I'm seeing people doing things I just don't approve of. But I need my people to be strong. We have a job to do. I realize that the danger may not be as imminent or as great or as wide ranging as I see it to be. I only know that I'm not the only one frustrated with my families. So we need to focus. Act in patients' best interests. That's what I want. But you have to be honest with them. Without honesty then you're not actually acting in their best interest. Frankly, with so many people tangentially involved, and people pushing me forward, we need to see this through. So you need to let me help. I know your hospitals. I know your systems. So let me help. There simply isn't a hole to bury me in. 

What MIP does understand is that my family is a danger to my wellbeing. What they missed is that they have been part of the problem. My father worked next door. They did what he said. They were part of the problem. Between my parents, McClean, and MIP (with Woodruff Road and his friend) They have nearly killed me. Undue influence. Human Experimentation. Drug trials on a minor. I'm trying to understand all of the federal and state laws that were violated. 

If I had to ask County Sheriff to arrest family members or anyone else. You know. Since some people seem to think they can control Greenville County. But technically... some people have violated multiple federal laws. That's not something that helps me sleep at night. "Protecting someone" Springbrook said. Too many meds, they said. But no, let's pretend its all kosher. We like the money. 

I need to be clear on "help". The people "helping" me are my friends and health care providers, free of undue influence. We have a job to do. Anyone else needs to mind their boundaries, keep conversation related to matters not pertaining to medical or legal. This is me trying to help you. Don't get yourself in trouble. Let the law do what it needs to do. Once this is cleared up, then you can talk about it. Let me help you. Don't get in my way on this. Don't distract me. I'm busy. If you need something, Voicemail, text, email, postal mail. And once my work is done, then I can be funny again. People around the world read this stuff. I don't know who's telling whom what or how seriously they take it. But people in this county need to watch their boundaries. You know, I used to wonder where the word "county" came from. Then I remembered medieval times. A Count was a minor lord. Ruled over a very small area. Just bigger than a mayor, I g...

     Now, accountability is not a bad thing. Auditing is not by nature a bad thing. It cleans out the herd a bit. So that the people who are not able to do the job properly do not cause harm or tarnish the reputation of the remainder. That's what I'm hoping for. Is to keep everyone safe and encourage good ethics and responsibility. I just hope people are paying attention before I go to court. Because if we do a little clean up outside of the court room, then things are less messy in the real world and the courtroom has less work to do.       Some professionals have bad boundaries. I'm harping on this to make sure I'm getting the point across. Because I only need to sue so many people. And I don't actually relish the idea. I do it because it is necessary. Because the public has a vested interest in a safe and effective health care system. I want people to be able to trust their doctors. We can't do that if there are irresponsible professionals out there...

It doesn't make sense. It seems like one long confusion. But I trust the people I'm working with. I'm glad for that. It's good to have people you can trust. I miss my friends. I think of Robin Williams, Don Henley, James Taylor, Poe... I know I'm not them. But what would some people do? People who other people see as having been great? The more I know, the less I understand. All these things I thought I'd figured out, I'm learning again. I need to make sure my soul is in the right place. Until my life stops seeming like a cross between a criminal enterprise and a medical cult. Some people are bad in combination. And I really have been taught by some bright minds. Things got a little scrambled. I can remember, I can't recall. Somethings that I do recall I will never see the same way again. Where does the talk of victims and protection lead me? Where is this going? 

For someone who doesnt actually do all that much, i find the attention I recieve rather bewildering. I just need to rejigger my priorities, clear memory, focus. Quieter life is nice.

So, I got caught up in the pills talk and the pressure. I can't do that again. Stay away from the pills. I'm serious. As few as possible. 

So back to forgiveness, I think if everyone just cuts each other a break, minds their business, it's quite possible. That does mean respecting privacy, not stealing, not threatening. Not lying to people's faces. Maybe less gossip. Less intimidation and God complex stuff.

So its kinda embarrassing but this is my life. I need to find my hammer and see if the futon is repairable or junk. Writing to do, house to maintain, it to fix, taxes to file. Exercise. Maybe improve recall. Spend more time in kitchen. Less time planning legal action. More important things. More fiction. Less advocating. Advocating tiring. Maybe someday I'll take one of those CCTP tests. Put my psychology to use. So many tests. Taxes gets old though. I hope public health is learning. 

Some people, you can tell them the truth 20 different ways and all they hear is blah blah you're right. I agree. Let's do it your way. So now I just tell the whole world my lies and delusions and I let them judge. If thousands of people verify my words every month, the truth will come out. I'll be safe. The BS will stop. We can all sit down.

Anyways, this talk of protecting people and victims makes me nervous. Then arson says studied... and I thought, well why not. Let them study. Let them decide. I'm not the one talking about victims and protecting someone regarding pills. So now I Let the fbi and people decide. And hopefully I can stay in my home. I'm tired of this.

Anyways, after Ccbh... harassing phone calls, some doctors being inappropriate. There was just one I recognized. And I can't quite be 100% sure. But I believe it was the one to one that was there when they told me to kill myself. So now the fbi stands in-between. with public health. so we can calm the waters... sort this out. not threaten each other anymore.

See, I'm not actually trying to antagonize anyone. I'm shutting down some BS. That's all. Keeping people safe. Certain people in the community are concerned. I know they'll back me up. At City Center. Springbrook. IMA. Even MIP. So that's what I'm doing. In my own way. We're helping each other. And Public Health too. I know my friend. I know the type of person she is. And she will hold the line with the rest. I just mind my own business. Lower my anger. Try to refocus. Writing to do. Gotta new printer coming. the old one went nuts. Then I can do taxes. Take care of home. Maybe go out more. Once people get with the program. Find something else to talk about.

I'm far from an exception. Many people have trauma. They just don't talk about it. I talk about mine to shut down the bullshit. I got a lot of pushback. But the messages appear to be filtering through. Male, female, race, money, it doesn’t matter. Life finds you. So i keep harping till people get the message. Even if that requires FBI looking up my ass. Cuz I get tired. They may own everything, but they don't own me. So I'll just continue my little crusade. As long as it takes to shut these doctors up. To me, somethings are wrong no matter how well you hide them or dress them up. I'm glad I fired my ent. He obviously didn't work for me.  It'd be easier to be nice to doctors if they got off thier high horses and demonstrated some comprehension. Spidey gets frustrated. If they could add autism and childhood factors together, it's really not that hard. Throw in 90s era toxic bullshit and med complications and bingo. I know people of my generation get it. It...

Vlad. They're wandering into traffic again. Get Flappy. 

All healthcare workers, please stand down. Today is music therapy.

You don't know me. So keep your opinions.

 (We going?) Take me Oh no another nosebleed She said to stay off the slope please I said I swear that I'm clean Step in the wrong direction Help me... Guess I learned my lesson. I'm not myself without my medicine I took some Ritalin Wasn't a little bit Nobody else would rather see me finish it I'm fucking over it It always makes me sick Alone with all the things that kill me Do you even know the real me I don't need your sympathy Step in thе wrong direction Help me Guеss I learned my lesson I'm not myself without my medicine I took some Ritalin Wasn't a little bit Nobody else would rather see me finish it I'm fucking over it It always makes me sick (It always makes me sick) This is the part where I freak out Don't know what to do Said you wanted just a rebound All I ever do is shoot You don't want to see me geeked out Baby that's the truth This is the part where I freak out I'm not myself withou...

Revenge. It has to be about healing. But healing requires justice. And they're mad at me. Because I'm not perfect. Because I know their playbook. I know their secrets. I was thier buddy. And should I become credible before they shut me up... they could be arrested. The whole lot of them.

Regardless of what anyone says or does not say, does or does not do... Federal law is jurisdiction of every law enforcement officer in this country. So technically... if we have the evidence... there's actually nothing stopping me from going to any police department in Greenville County. That would get the ball rolling. If I'm credible. Then they would have to act. Sworn oath and all that. So... technically... less then a mile. But would they believe me. Would I be safe. Would anyone vouch for me. Against the doctors. It's not actually that easy to do. You'd think so, but they know people. So I guess i need to be clean and clear for a while. Before I go around making statements. And you wonder why im angry and afraid. Hmmm... I wonder... problems? Oh nooooo... he doesnt have problems... never... all in his head... the doctors just looooove him... I bet the next person that contacts me does so to protect the doctors. From crazy disabled guy. Gotta protect those doctors.....

I cant always fall back on crazy. If I'm going to law enforcement i have to be damned sure. 

I remember studying the bystander effect in school. A woman was murdered. Multiple witnesses. No one did shit to stop it. They stood by. Listened to her scream. Let the guy murder her. Because thats what we do. Complacency. We let people murder.  I guess the counter to that would be the Misunderstander or Busybody Effect. People that get involved in things they have no business being involved in. But hopefully I've thrown off the scent for the Force medicators and the busybody perfectionists. 

    S ince I'm the only identified survivor... I would have to file a report with city police, county sheriff, or the FBI... Given I'm told we have the evidence... I guess it's on me. To have... key members of my families arrested. I care about the kids. They know this. They use kids against me. That contacting FBI and public health would be enough. That then they would act. But I guess I'd have to walk in one of those stations... file a report. It's just that my family knows county sheriff.  They know state politicians. They're very vocal about who they know. But they don't know any federal people...

I'll be working up the courage to change my name with Social Security. And my family will be frantically trying to stop me. They say Stockholm syndrome entails a lack of cooperation with police. Go figure.

My family has been conspiring with woodruff road, McClean, and others to control me. To human engineer me. They own everything. I'm a prisoner in my home. I have no real choices. Now they occasionally threaten to sell my stuff. Unless I comply. It's morally wrong. I need you to stop them. Or they will run us all over and drive me further into the grave. Medicalized perfection. Human engineering. I know some NAZIs. It starts with my families. The biological one. The corporate one. I need you to stop them. Or they will never stop. Ever. You're going to have to take something I say seriously while I'm still alive. Seriously.

 I found some jokes about Europe. What's the difference between Swedes and Finns? The Swedes have nice neighbors. Recollection of an Old Joke In Hell... The British would be the cooks. The Italians would be the police The Germans would be the social workers The Russians would be in marketing The Spanish would be the military. The French would be customer service The Greeks would be housed with the Turks Why wasn't Jesus born in Belgium? God couldn't find 3 wise men in Belgium.

 Let's see. Social workers... Kat goes in the good people pile Sharon might have some wrinkles she can smooth out with us Records... 600 pages Roscasch test Medical board review Spring brook Ima Greenville k Vinewell Phds George looks clean Assmussen is filthy I think my clemson friends are looking well striped. The Stewart and her old boss. Lpcs Leaves is clean Molly's doing some touch up with the details tamy seems clear Mo is solid Psychiatrists I think its a beautiful day in the neighborhood  The Art sticks to the facts nicely Arson's looking a little worn... we'll work on that Small ... should be seeing patterns No clue about mcclinton or gullet Lee should be a Jean brand maybe. I think he has the righteous part well embedded That Indian "workshop" lady... she can see patterns Midwest looks good I imagine my dream woman has insight still...  Then the one that sounded... like intel I think. She can compute. With information. Yes... taking some spot cleaner...

People wonder why I need music. It's because I know things. In Greenville County. In Belmont, MA. A few small repairs. My Own Prison Cumbersome I believe Little Talks What's Going On? Just For What's this Life For Zombie You Oughta Know Eulogy Sober Pink, Tool Only Happy When it Rains Valjean Arrested/Valjean Forgiven Everything I Own Who Knew Whatya ya want from me BOSTON Hey Jealousy Fast Car Just Give me a Reason Release Me Yesterday

I can't do this alone. I need support. Help me stop overmedicalization and toxic stereotypes. Slow down the med train! I am not actually trying to change the whole world. I am trying to keep as many people as possible safe from DSMization, medicalized perfectionism, and toxic stereotypes as I can. I do not actually work in Psychology or IT or Healthcare. I do taxes when I can. I write when I can. I'm too old and too tired to keep this up. I can't divide myself among professionals or professions or interest groups. I need people speaking up. Saying that some shit doesn't fly. So, I'm just waiting on you guys. To start saying something. Stop the bullshit. Otherwise it never ends. ASHES AND DUST NEEDS YOU! To say "no" to doctors. Too tired for this shit. 

So, there's really no reason for anyone to be afraid, unless they have MD or PhD after their name. Because I'm pretty damn sure that there's plenty of South Carolina doctors who are sick of this Bipolar Bullshit. So long as people leave me be, and I am just a normal person in the state of South Carolina, there's no trouble here. But I would hope that people are taking my advice. Retiring or taking vacation days. Rethinking life choices. Rethinking DSM mania. Rethinking Bipolarization. Keeping insurance and recording legal contingencies. Shopping for defense attorneys. There's a few people who have a bone to pick. Interstate clusterfuck. Maybe I shouldn't have lied about the drugs. Maybe I shouldn't have lied about the coverup. That kinda thing. I have no idea why Malacheck is dead. Neither do the authorities. Some people are still alive. They need to rethink their life choices while they still can. Or it never ends. Until I'm dead and buried. Then other ...

Rage, Rage, against the submission to the overlords.  Maybe not all of South Carolina needs protection from toxic masculinity. Maybe it really is just me. But the end of bipolar and this medicalized perfection shit doesn't have to be ugly. I have to take George's advice. Bipolar dies when I let it die. It stops haunting me when I let it go. Clozaril stops being "my medicine" when I make it obvious that it's not necessary. I do have a few lawsuits to file. But that needs to wait. Because I'm one person. And the state of South Carolina and the FDA have a lot on their plate. And Clozaril is out of date. It's not used much anymore. It's long out of patent. So, doctors just need to be intelligent, use other options. I'll just have to trust that the doctors of South Carolina find their wisdom and their humanity and stop treating people like science experiments. Then they won't have to sue anyone. Their health can be just fine. But we got here togethe...

I can't go back to the past. My body is not what it used to be. I can't keep shooting for the moon. I have to let go. move on. Stand alone. Smaller goals. My memory is not... cohesive. I remember. I can't recall. But I've got plenty of help. They won't let me down.

I don't know where the future goes. I just know it can't be like the past. I have to think about the good eggs. I'm trying to think of the good people. The people in the middle. I have a lot of thinking to do. Things to do, people to sue. Potentially. That's why I need to think. Not something you do lightly. I have to think about what's best and what's necessary. Keep people safe. From God complexes with rx pads. Anyways, just by staying alive, I warn people about liberal medicine. So I'm going to be quiet for a while. Just post, medical, mind my own business... catch up with friends, take a vacation from perfectly irredeemable. I'm trying for the middle. Just ok.

I've been spending a lot of time looking in the psychological mirror. I hope we are all doing likewise. Because I firmly believe that some of these experts who have pointed out that people do not accomplish things on their own, but in combination are right. That SDOH was flagged for a reason. Individuals or even groups within a community are not the end all and be all. We sink or swim together. That requires everyone to have a voice. I'm not the only one with rough edges. I'm not the only one who gets defensive. I do like the occasional luxury. But unwanted luxuries bring unwanted pain. Use of threats and force is not helpful. Maybe if all the Angries back off, then it doesn't have to be that way. I'm not great at communication. But instead of further contemplating suing people from SC to MA, maybe people can just mind their own business. Certain people can stop stealing from other people. Certain other people can find their own peace. Even other people can work on ...

I can't actually be shared between Italians and Americans, Conservatives and liberals, Doctors and patients, men and women, unless people get a grip and stop being so controlling. 

Now that I supposedly have FBI protection and the attention of public health, I have to jam up the program. Stop the med train in Greenville County. That means talking as much as possible while I still can. 

Hello Can you hear us Am I getting through anew? Hello Is it great here? There's a prescription that was mine Are you sure I'm here alone 'Cause I'm Trying to explain Something's fucked I just don't sound the same Why don't I Why don't I Find some pride Or go outside Kiss the pain Whenever I need me Kiss the pain Whenever we're gone too long If your eyes feel empty and greedy Miss the pain And wait till I'm gone Keep the times We're under the same lies If the light's As empty for me as for you If you feel You can't wait till morning Ban the scripts Hello Do we miss me I'm told you say you do But not the way I'm missing truth What's new? How's the volume? Does it echo now and then? You sound so close but it feels like you're so far Oh would it mean anything If you knew What I'm left imagining In my times In my rhymes Would you know Could you grow Eat the pain As you fall And are disturbed. Think of clozapine The...

 My Allergies keep changing. Now I'm allergic to Good ol' boy doctors and narcissistic personalities.

     She's a bit dusty, but Old Vlad only settles for zee best. Zee 1766 model, tricked out with bluetooth speakers and wifi. I stopped by Home Freako just the other day to check on the varnish selection...

 I may have cracked the code. Peace and quiet (Birds) l-theanine plus melatonin plus flower extract Meds as directed CPAP

Angry? Present Sad: rotating Irritable? Rotating Tired? Present Inflammation? Present Jealous? Faint, but Present Sleepy? Present Sore throat? Present Tight and hot skin? Present Fight or flight? Fight Pain in face? Present

     I want to reiterate that this is all fiction unless proven otherwise. None of this is true in any way unless proven otherwise by someone other than me. Just helps to ramble. So, rule #1, do not act on hearsay. In one ear and out the other unless it helps you personally. My energy is low. Some things may be permanent.

I also think part of toxic gender norms is getting on men's cases when other men won't accept help. It's like... I TOLD YOU TO GO OUT AND HELP HIM... So if he refuses to accept my help, I just keep asking? Or I start helping anyways so that he gets pissed off? Oh right, I'm supposed to read minds. I forgot about that. Some people are just terrible at communication. No matter what you do, they're mad. Just starting to try is a mistake. I bet some people know what I mean. Or, go find whoever. Well, if he's hiding from you, you think he wants me to find him? Great idea. But seriously. Sometimes being around certain people just has bad idea written all over it. Something Springbrook mentioned. Not giving people too many chances. They actually did much better then the other hospitals. But they specialize in Autism, like Riggs, so I guess between that and the correct history, they saw a lot that others didn't see. CCBH was just all kinds of stupid wrapped up in a ...

I tried being boring. It didn't work out. Where I go, shrinks follow.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk The music loud and the women warm I've been kicked around since I was born Well, now it's alright, that's okay And you may look the other way We can try to understand The New York Times' effect on man Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin' And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive Help me, woman Well now, I get low and I get high And if I can't get either, I really try Got the wings of heaven on my shoes I'm a dancing man and I just can't lose You know it's alright, it's okay I'll live to see another day We can try to understand The New York Times' effect on man Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother You're stayin'...

 you know. like ice cream with espresso poured over. like that. affugato

Anyways, between city center, Springbrook, mip, ccbh, atlanta, belmont, stockbridge, mindful, half the psychiatry power on the east coast, dss, fbi, etc, you should have me pretty well figured out. I'd like to stay home now.  And i have to finish fixing this printer or buying a new one. Gotta file taxes paper this year.

      I have differences in realities with the people who own my home and car. I'd like to see those realities closer together or to own my car and home. Otherwise, I burn out quickly.

 SDOH = (FAM1+FAM2)*(CHAOTIC BILINGUAL CHILDHOOD)  = MILD AS + MILD ADHD + MILD AUD PROCESSING + cPTSD/DID + SIMPLE CARB DIET WITH RED MEAT = HYPERLIPIDEMIA + BORDERLINE DIABETIC PTSD + CLOZARIL = ALL SORTS OF PHYSICAL AND PSYCH PROBLEMS. A WALKING TRAIN WRECK. But at least we learned something. That's what the Nazis would say. Am I right? Would they not? I'm sure Conner is quite proud. At his multi-state clusterfuck. That Atlanta tried to stop. But Greenville wasn't listening. Fact. An MD recommended THC and I took it legally per medical advice. Fact. I'd like to not see this happen again. Fact.

If the problems fall under PTSD as well, and the docs don't like the term DID or understand it very well, might as well just call it PTSD, right? Makes sense to me. Maybe the gender changeup didn't work out so bad. Now I have a bunch of ladies. Who are terrified that I'll learn their names or try to hug them. Not the end of the world. Though I don't think they need to worry. Too many people watching. Anyways, I got better things to do with my time. When I have the focus, the energy, and the calm. 

I worry if I connect too much at one time, what i might say or do. How would I interpret others? How would they interpret me. So far, we've not done a bangup job together.

Writing while switching is difficult. Every time you switch, you want to tell it a different way. It's like, come on guys, why can't we agree on one little scene? Only wrote 4 versions! Seriously! Writing while Angry is worse. Cuz then you start thinking about suing half the east coast. That doesn't work very well. It's like... wow. What just happened? 

I feel like I need to think more about my life. I feel like there's parts of the picture that I'm not seeing. That there are things that I'm missing. But I think I'm getting closer. To seeing the big picture. So I'm glad for that. Unfortunately, I have to take what I can get when I can get it. But I need to understand better. In order to be funny, I need to be angry first. Then I can be funny again. I'm not sure what's next. I don't have much of a plan. Yet. I am glad though. To have more space. Breathing room. To be me. Without meeting any particular standard, tend, or appeal. 100% genuine in isolation. Just some hallucinations. Wierd dreams. I had one about tis river. Running fast. Huge river. Fast water. Carrying me away. I thought it was the one nearby, but much bigger, and faster. 

Now that the doctors and their friends have stopped talking long enough for me to hear opposing view points, it's starting to make more sense. A lack of boundaries and pushing too hard dressed up as Bipolar by people who couldn't be bothered to notice red flags and were making far too much money off hospital insurance. A multistate clusterfuck. Motivated by old Greedy... the river of money that runs through here. Greenville County does have a problem. It's greed. Medical greed. But I switched out my team. Firewalled them. Got FBI and Public Health involved. Hopefully, Clozaril will be removed again, permanently this time. Hopefully, I'll never be one of them again. The boundaryless people pushers. Some people do move away and start fresh. I'm stubborn. And medically complex. Moving is not appealing. I need to figure out all my boundaries, legal and otherwise. Then a judge can rule. Theres too many people involved. I can't be the only one. This county needs to be...