Darkness Until Dawn

 https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Asperger_syndrome#:~:text=Asperger%20syndrome%20(AS)%20was%20formerly,diagnosis%20under%20autism%20spectrum%20disorder.

Ableism is discrimination and prejudice against individuals with disabilities, based on the belief that typical abilities are superior. It manifests in various forms, including personal biases, systemic barriers, and harmful language. Ableism is rooted in the idea that people with disabilities are inherently less capable or valuable than non-disabled people.  Here's a more detailed breakdown: What is Ableism? Discrimination and Prejudice: Ableism is the belief that non-disabled people are superior to those with disabilities. It leads to prejudice and discriminatory practices against individuals with disabilities.  Systemic and Personal: Ableism can be systemic, embedded in laws, policies, and societal structures, or it can be personal, involving individual attitudes and behaviors.  Forms of Ableism: Personal Ableism: This includes individual acts of discrimination, like name-calling, or refusing accommodations.  Systemic Ableism: This involves discriminatory practice...

Dear Elle, I've lost my zing. Vhere did it go? I need it back. You didn't hide it, did you? Vhy do you haunt me so? You did not get worried, I hope? Volly's got sharp eyes, zat one. She keeps one on me, you know. Rest well. I think you earned it.  Fondly, Vladimir

     I've been a little stuck on the things that didn't work out. I'm trying to focus on the things that do work as well as the new things I can do that I didn't do before. Hopefully, that's enough. Sometimes the alternative to "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade" is "if life gives you unhappy endings, write new ones"

  I wonder how's it gonna be when I'm all healed. This has been disorienting. I thought i knew myself better. I did not. Different sides of me have come out. It's been startling and at times very depressing. There was a lot of facade to my life.

  🫂🫂

  Dear Angry Mental Patient,     I'm glad you and the others are getting along better. How's the old body doing? The head have enough space for the 8 of you? When you sneeze, does someone come out? Are the sinuses ventilating well, or is it getting hot in there? If Jess takes her clothes off, is it sexy or is she truly invisible? So many questions! I have such a curious mind. I sent in the pills you ordered, just eat them slowly.      On brighter news, I talked to Elle and she got your messages. She talked to the others like you asked. There was a bit of resentment, but they understand. I hope you don't take it too hard. Spravato is new, the looking up thing happened a long time ago. She'll be ok. The staff can't wait to see you again. They'll even throw in a pair of free scrubs and an honorary name tag (That doesn't unlock the doors. Nice try.) Oh, and Peytlin got the soccer balls. I'll say hi to Arson for you. Coffee

  JESS! THE HOSPITAL SCRUBS ARE NOT COMPLEMENTARY! AND DROP THE BABY SOAP!!

  Sarah, do you mind? Vlad has to fly us home now.

Vlad, this is Spidey, I've secured the psychiatrist.  What should we do with him?

Vell, my Elle, may I have this dance???

Volly, I found the fly in shower! Look at me go!!!

Arson's funny though. He goes around talking about what's for breakfast, because he knows that nothing gets an empty stomach more focused on reality then what's for breakfast.

    My conscience feels clearer with having spoken a lot of truth about my life... the time spent in hospitals, the attachment to the nurse, the diagnosis history, the meds, the boundary issues, the arguments over healthcare, some about the hallucinations, and the communication issues and rumors. I hope to keep moving my focus to topics other than real life healthcare and more into fiction, work and education, relationships in the real world, and the future.       I do plan to expound more upon my limited usage of prescription ketamine, Spravato (not a great experience), prescription medications like Mirapex and amantadine, and hemp CBD/THC. I have never tried psilocybin, LSD, Cocaine, MDMA, heroin, and I have never been a drunk. Though being on gabapentin can have slightly similar effects.

I talked to the psychiatrist the other day about my ability to give historical tours of mental institutions. He said something about intense memories of my "health care journey".

Buy food. Cook food. Eat food. Work on promoting my business Apply for part time jobs. Ignore other people's BS watch documentaries Clean Sleep Play a strategy game Exercise Spend time with a friend Take meds Hygiene Write Read Counseling on pursuing my goals Try talking to people and not communicating what I'm trying to say, judging by the results.  Live my life as if a camera is following me around and getting annoyed by it. Being disorganized anyways and no longer caring because my living area is MY living area, not anyone else's.  Feeling resentful and angry. Trying to paint and express myself Manage my bills and other adulting Ponder what its like to be a social butterfly

So very little actual substance that there's no point in paying attention to them. Maybe the world has better things to do then screw with my mind. Maybe people should judge for themselves, free from the influence of rumors.

     This is supposed to be MY story. Not the hospital's story, not my family's story, not the story of a bunch of mental patients with nothing better to do with their time then smear me, MY story. 

Can we charge him with being ugly? No, no law on that... What about... drug addiction? It'll never stick... How about failing to argue with us in an effective manner? You knoooooow...

     Yes, I contacted the nurse outside the hospital, yes, I'm broke and unemployed, no I'm not addicted to anything but letting bullshit prosper, No, I'm not interested in your drugs, yes, I'm tired of poor communication, No, I don't want to play anymore, yes, I truly am seeking work that I can maintain, no, I'm not interested in arguing with the 1 millionth person about what is wrong with me or what I need... if no one has figured it out yet, I doubt they ever will. Meanwhile, I'll be keeping to myself trying to figure out a better way.

     More from my life. I'm tired of being the one they couldn't fix. Im tired of the BS. I still have plenty of tinnitus. But my ears have improved. I'm less dependent on severe sinus. It seems like the shot and the debrox helped. 

      I know that there are frustrated people out there. They see someone who apparently had so much help, so many hospitals and counselors and psychiatrists and other people... I know my school didn't want this. That's why I know that there are so very many people that want to see a happy ending, not just me. That's why I'm stubborn about this. I have to see this through. Hopefully, that new job will give me a few hours. I could use the money. But I have to be patient. I have to go slow so that the doctor and the counselor can be sure that I can keep up.       I feel like I'm getting psychological whiplash from all this mental manipulation. Getting tired of being told who I am and what I need. I want to see it in action. I want to see the results of all this work. I want to see the medication and the counseling bringing real world results. Not just demonization and rumors.       So I'm waiting to hear from the job. Adsense is still...

     Where was I? Yes, so I've gotten a little annoyed with some of the things I've been hearing, so I decided to keep to myself for a bit. Just until people get tired of talking about my professionals. Find something else to talk about. It's better that way. I'm not sure why I'm so interesting. Really, you should be talking about the guy that used to work under church. He was a piece of work. I get stuck on particulars. I lose patience for nonsense. Then it becomes better that I avoid people that talk. Loose mouths. Life has been peaceful by myself. Just me and the cat. Yeah, I'd like to have someone romantically involved, but that's a story for another time. I'm just glad Elle was there to inspire me. She was such a nice lady. She gave me a good example of what a lady is like. 

     It usually starts with technicians or low level workers with loose mouths. Then it spreads to patients and other staff. Before you know it you have a whole hospital repeating bullshit. And that screws up the Healthcare system. Thats why we have hippa. To prevent bullshit from getting started in healthcare.

I'm too sexy for my shrink Too sexy for my shrink shrink's going to leave me I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt So sexy it hurts And I'm too sexy for Milan Too sexy for Milan New York, and Japan I'm too sexy for your party Too sexy for your party No way I'm disco dancing 'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean And I do my little turn on the catwalk Yeah, on the catwalk On the catwalk, yeah I shake my little tush on the catwalk I'm too sexy for my car Too sexy for my car Too sexy by far And I'm too sexy for my hat Too sexy for my hat What do you think about that? 'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean And I do my little turn on the catwalk Yeah, on the catwalk On the catwalk, yeah I shake my little tush on the catwalk Too sexy for my Too sexy for my Too sexy for my 'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean And I do my little turn on the catwalk Yeah, on the catwalk On the catwa...

     I guess I feel like i have to state that I'm not dating my counselors because it's not helpful to imply otherwise. They help me keep my head straight in a complex world filled with people with their own agendas. I do not date them. My communication and mental functioning are not the best, as proven by test after test. Tests done in controlled environments, tests that cannot be faked. Thats why I hope members of the mental health community read this. So that they stand witness to the truth: I'm working on some problems, it's not about my counselors, past or present. It's not about Elle. It's about my mind and how it works or doesn't work.

    Spidey duden't get to decide what the udder spiders understand. He weaves his web and he hopes, keeping in mind that circumstances change. He gets frustrated at times. Goes for a crawl in di forest. See the other spiders and animals and he thinks, this is my chance to get my message out. This is when I am heard. Then nothing changes. Spidey keeps crawling and waits for the path to become clearer.