Darkness Until Dawn

      I'm continuing to research the events and culture of the civil war era, the politics and the people. It's very interesting. I'll have to make some field trips. I'm trying to define the scope of the book. It was a large war, and I don't intend for it to be comprehensive on the war itself. I'd like to cover a number of key events, however. I definitely plan to mention Bull Run, the aftermath of Gettysburg, and the burnings of Columbia and Chambersburg. 

I've moved from researching the bloody fourth to refreshing my general civil war knowledge and finally to knowledge specific to Greenville circa 1861. This morning I did a rough outline of the first few chapters and begin writing chapter one, in which the protagonist has arrived in Greenville to find and assist his father, who had traveled with the rest of the family down to sell some goods, leaving his son behind to manage the estate.

    I've definitively identified 3 of 4 Earles that were supposedly part of the Palmetto Rifleman (B Company) of the 4th Volunteers: Captain Alexander Campbell Earle of Greenville, Lieutenant Charles Eugene Earle of Greenville, and George Washington Earle of Anderson. The First two were brothers and the third was a first cousin. A.C. went on to lead the Earle Cavalry after the 4th dissolved and moved to Alabama after the war. Charles Eugene committed suicide the day after commanding company B in the unexpected absence of its captain during the first battle of Bull Run. G.W. survived the war and returned to Anderson.      The fourth Earle, Joe, is a bit mysterious. There is a Joseph Earle, cousin of A.C. and Charles Eugene and also from Greenville, but he joined the Charles Artillery Battery, not the 4th Volunteers. He survived the war and died as a sitting U.S. Senator. I've decided to write a fictional character to take his place. I'm going to place him as the ...

I've compiled the major events of the 4th volunteers and Alexander C. Earle's Cavalry and I'm beginning to put down some prose for the beginning of the story. I'm also working on filling out a works in progress page to track my completion of the different stories I'm writing. So far, it's... Tales of the Attick All the Colors of the Rainbow The Watcher Induced Psychosis The Messenger Greater America The Bloody Fourth

      I've decided to write the story of the Bloody Fourth, also known as the 4th South Carolina Volunteers, a regiment of upstate soldiers who held the line at the 1st Battle of Bull Run, a.k.a. the 1st Battle of Manassas. I found a book of letters that's giving me some background. The unit was formed in Anderson, SC with men from Anderson, Greenville, Oconeee, and Pickens. The unit saw heavy fighting at Bull Run and did not survive the war, but was broken up into other units, one of which, Earle's Company of cavalry, eventually was disbanded in Greenville, though not before being charged with desertion.

    I've decided to engage in some research to enhance my writing projects. I've been bringing some new ideas down the pipeline. I still am working on some more Tales of the Attick, All the Colors of the Rainbow, and The Watcher, but I have a new idea for a political satire, a coming of age piece, and an alternative history piece. I'm going to review some civil war history, early 20th century, and a few classics such as Romeo and Juliet, Gone with the Wind, 1984, Cyrano De Bergerac.     I'm working on adjusting Accountec to focus on managing my 1099 delivery income and hopefully my writing income. I don't see it being possible to do taxes and bookkeeping as a business given my particular disabilities, but I think doing deliveries is more manageable. As soon as I get my new glasses I'll be able to start delivering. The medicine the doctor gave me helps with my focus and driving anxiety.

    I'm working on some new writing projects. I hope of my various ideas to have something new to post soon. I'm trying to minimize distractions.

    I think this is my opportunity. I've been somewhere between The Metamorphosis and The Invisible Man. Maybe I can come out new. Maybe this is my chance to reinvent myself and wipe the slate clean. Everyone thinking they got me figured out, maybe I can disrupt the game. I've been changing the players. But I need to change the story too. It's not enough to clear away the Bipolar and all the rules that it came with. I need to reinvent. I really do need to start over, but without moving. Maybe I can find a way to do that. I'm tired of maintaining this persona. It makes no sense. Full of contradictions. The world is moving. If I can't catch up, maybe I can change the rules. Maybe there's a better way to write this story. I do have a name. I have to decide what that name stands for. My words and actions will make the difference.

    In a way this dystonia thing provides me with an expected opportunity: To put to rest the bipolar BS. I had no choice but to stop aripiprazole. The involuntary muscle movements were painful, and were waking me up from sleep. So I had to stop the medication. This means I am on no Bipolar medication: No mood stabilizers, no antipsychotics, plenty of antidepressants, and a stimulant. So I should definitely become manic if I am truly bipolar. So far I see no signs. Keep in mind the original diagnosis was made after a reaction to a medication and a lot of indoctrination. Either I'll go stark raving mad or I'll finally be free. It will be a relief to know the truth regardless of how it turns out. 

I'm spending some time in meditation today, continuing to strive for that inner peace. I'm also filling my well of writing ideas and continuing to experiment with different writing projects. 

  Arachnids marching 3 by 3 huzzah! Huzzah!

    I can understand why some people are frustrated. We see the present through the lens of our understanding of the past. For a lot of the Bipolar education and treatment, it was only me and a doctor. They don't know the extent to which I was misled and miseducated. All they know is their experience: It's been chaotic, with a lot of meds and theory. It would be much easier if it was all just made up, rather than a misinterpretation. It takes a lot of energy and time to entertain misconceptions. I don't have that energy and time. It's a waste of energy and time. That's why I focus on basic symptoms that everyone can agree on: things like dystonia. I'm focusing on my strengths: written words. I'm focusing on basics: proper nutrition and managing my finances. We have limited time on this earth; I hope to create something with my words. Something people can enjoy... stories and poems.      I have to have some truth in my life, even if everyone else is in love w...

     Ok, so I had some clarification explained to me. Even though I'm confident I don't have Bipolar, I do have something else... several somethings... autism, ADHD, and cPTSD/DID. Which means I don't have FDIA, I was just a little miseducated on what I do have. It was still harmful to be misdiagnosed and miseducated on my health. I do think that having more control over my healthcare and more education on my actual problems has been helpful. Maybe my life will seem a little less like a game of "Clue" now that I've cleared up some of that.      I haven't been fighting just for the sake of being disagreeable, I've been fighting for clarity. This time I have taken to be alone and to seek counseling has helped me find that clarity. But these crusades by certain people in my life to push narratives on Bipolar and drugs have been distracting, to say the least. I hope I have seen the end of the crusades. I'm tired of fighting. It's a relief just to b...

  Gary, hold still this will only take a minute.

  Fly me here! Fly me there!

     One of the weirder things about the hospital was the way some people kept implying that I had some sort of secret master plan. It was very bizarre. I think people want to believe that everything happens for a reason so badly that they cannot see the randomness as it happens. They want to believe there is some bigger plan, that everything is moving with purpose. They cannot see the chaos and the randomness of life. It's too disturbing. They want to believe there are secret plans and secret going ons, when more often it's just a lot of people doing their own individual and often short-term things. 

Side effects can be frustrating. Now I had to stop a medication because of dystonia. I couldn't sleep because of muscle spasms. The hospital people said just go to the ER if you need to. I think I'll be ok. But I'll keep that in mind.

     Doc changed things a little the other day. I think the change is helping.       It's hard to keep faith in today's world. There's a lot of hatred out there. I try to stay focused on being kind. That's not always easy to do. Agendas run around, there's always someone recruiting for some kind of crusade. I want to write some stories to entertain and hopefully make people laugh. I think the world could use some clean, healthy laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It helps bring people together, helps them relax. Life gets confusing which people running in different directions, looking for someone to pull along for the ride. I hope to write some more funny stories. I love to make people laugh with some clean humor.       I worry about the agendas. Always someone trying to sign me up for something. If they're not signing me up for something they're pigeonholing me and telling me what I believe in a kind of, if you're not with us, you're...

    I'm still working on reducing expenses and finding a job. I'm going to have to write off the business startup expenses as a loss. Managing my health takes too much of my time to run a real business. I'm going to try some food delivery if I can manage my driving anxiety. Ever since the doctor quit and I had that accident, I don't like driving so much. If it's a familiar area and traffic isn't bad I'm ok. Plus I need new glasses before I drive a lot. Unless I use the contacts, but I can't use those much. Hopefully soon, I'll have a new job.       Between the anxiety and the lack of income, it's not been great. Of course, the THC products were great for anxiety, but the hospital doesn't see it that way. So they prescribed something. As soon as I can fill it... should be easier. I guess they feel better when they have total control. It's been hard to get the meds filled on time though. The insurance puts up road blocks or I run out of ref...

We've been working on acceptance. Accepting that others won't always understand. Accepting the mental illness thing. Accepting the limits of the meds, accepting that my life won't be that normal 9-5 life. Accepting that I don't have as much real support as I would like.  Accepting financial uncertainty. The closer I get to acceptance, the more I can grasp what I can have. But if I veer into that lack of acceptance, if I push too hard, then I'll become unstable. Thats the danger zone. But I'm still trying to understand what I can maintain. Life seems so touch and go sometimes. But there are no magical answers. My experience in march reinforced that point.

It seems the doctors are keeping me on a tight leash. Granted, I'm on several meds, but I'm having trouble getting them on time.

 Today, I'm working on The Watcher and Tales of the Attick more. 

Spidey gets a liddle nerbus... all di humans tryin to step on me...

  Spidey gedding oudda hear!

Today is piano music day. I've been playing around with my guitar a little. Trying to find that peace until the new job comes through.

     You try not to think about it. You tell yourself that everyone goes through these things. But then you worry. What if something happens, you say to yourself? Can I predict the future? What if I don't get that job or that promotion? What if I say the wrong thing? Do I have the money to make it go away? And what about the next time? And the time after that? What will it be then? Will I have the ace up my sleeve? What will I do when I can't make it go away? Where will I run? Will tomorrow be the day my luck runs out? Will I get hit by a bus, get robbed? Will the kidnapper that abducted and killed someone from just down the street pick me next time? I drive by that place almost every time I go out. Granted, I didn't know those people, but what if I had been there when he came in with a gun? what would I have done? They're both dead now. 

  Nonono, you can deduct the stolen acorns as a casualty loss, not a business loss.

    I am closing the tax and bookkeeping business permanently for health reasons. I look forward to working again soon.

     I think there is a fundamental misunderstanding of autism in the community. There is a gap of understanding that creates unrealistic expectations. It leaves me chasing shadows. So long as that gap exists, I will always fall short. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy: to believe in the impossible so that you can fail.       Why is it impossible? Autistic social behavior is different. It leads to miscommunication and in a field like tax, communication is important. Hypothetically, if I could simply do the taxes and have someone else do all the communicating, including the nonverbal communication, then it could work. If I could be a puppet master, and have a puppet interact with bosses and clients, then yes, I could do taxes.      Unfortunately that's not how the world works. I'm tired of trying to explain the obvious to people with closed ears. It's like screaming at a wall. There's no medication for this. There's no machine. There's sim...

     Spidey tought dat di bat would lose intewest qwuickly. Apter all, it was a small house, a bunch ob mispits, and not anudder bat nor castle nor cabe.       “I thought it vould look better from the rafters.” A voice echoed from above.      Dat bat. Can’t appweciate a good cobweb. He was looking more awake and he would get this funny look in his eye when he got hungry.      “You know… a few careful torches could really vamp up the place. I was known for my style back in zee Western Wood.” He paused as if for questions. When none came, he continued anyways. “It was quite a majestic place. Uncle Boromir used to be quite fond of telling us stories, so much so that we began to call him Uncle Bor. He never quite figured out vhy. So one day, when he was putting us to sleep with his tales of the crypt - he used to put himself to sleep all the time, let me tell you- we snuck out inbetween bouts of consciousness, and we flew into...

    They say life has seasons. I think that is very true for someone like me. I think I'm moving into a new season, putting the past behind. This season I am focusing on fixing my financial situation by reducing consumption.     I'm not the one who is the smiling gladhander. I don't have the personality or the talent for it. I will never be Mr. Popular. I do believe we have destinies of sorts. Mine lies in written expression.      I'm continuing to look for a day job while exploring my creative ideas. Hopefully, they will come to me in due time. I have hit the limits of the medication. It's time to be my natural self. 

 

Actions committed in the blindest of ignorance Facts inconvenient, truth intermittent. Protestations overwritten, narratives formed without contrition As history becomes a lie. Heroes are minted and pasts are erased, As no one cries for the wrongs now replaced, And as they rise up to claim their new jewels, the Chosen eagerly climb onto the shoulders of fools... Drama contrived and plots newly written, With murderous emotions, the witnesses smitten screaming for the heads of false demons from the past And eager for a villain to sacrifice at last Deaf to the voices of reason and caution Charging forth to the point of exhaustion Their mania for the blood of the token guilty Will erase all the past and complete the new history Confusion resolved with self-justifications Hardened ears, deaf to exonerations Determination and volume the measure of justice Reinforcing the story lest the truth should resist. Echoes of lies resound through the air Till nothing remains of the truth that was ther...

     It seems part time work is not that easy to find. I'm going to try to broaden my search a bit. I'm moving from Accounting to retail more. 

I do feel different since discontinuing Clozaril. I feel more emotional. I feel less armored.

Some of my doctors will practically commit hara kiri if I suggest I don't have bipolar. Which is exactly what Prichards did. At least he had the sense to understand that trust had been broken. Some people don't like autism or believe in DID. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about that. What I can do is educate my doctors. For example, one ER psychiatrist said that Bipolar is "one of THE MOST OVERDIAGNOSED things in the book." Ive been in these hospitals and centers and I'm convinced the man is absolutely correct. There's plenty of bipolar labelees. It's just that the whole point of these labels is to help people. If the patterns fit, the meds help, the education helps, then great. If it doesn't, then its time to move on. All of the meds I'm on help other disorders. Mood Stabilizers NEVER worked. Not from day one. It's time to move on. 

I feel that what I grew up doing is not sustainable. I've been pushing the medication and the science too hard and now it's come full circle. I need to be deliberate, not repeat failed strategies. The medication helps, but I need to go slow, reduce expenses, not take on more and more. It's clear to me that pushing the limits of medicine has reached its limits. Reducing consumption and holding steady is going to have to be my goal. I don't want to be bitter or demanding. I want to appreciate the small things. 

I got all my meds approved and filled. I'm focusing a little better. The cat's doing well.

Person: Do you know what your problem is???? Spidey:  No, tell me ebbyting.

Yesterday's inquiries didn't go very far. No positions available. I'm still working on getting vyvanse approved.

Always look at the bright side ob your lice!

The insurance continues to drag its feet on vyvanse. I'm a little annoyed. It's a really good medication. It gives a very smooth effect as I recall. I hope they change thier minds. Otherwise, its concerta for me. Nevermind its generic and shouldn't cost that much. I was excited it went generic for exactly this reason.

The advantages of counseling for someone with autism are numerous. They include some of the same advantages that anyone can gain, but particularly additional insight into social behavior, social problem-solving, personal insight, and improved communication. Some people don't believe in autism or counseling or whatever they choose not to believe in. Some people don't believe in evolution, some people don't believe in God, somewhere there may still be people who believe the earth is flat. Some people believe in ghosts; other people do not. I believe in patience and personal space. It's how I tolerate others. I give them space when we don't communicate well, and I have patience for when they are ready. I have to have patience for myself as well. That's something I've learned: I'm not always able to meet people where they are. Sometimes I need space.

The dietary changes continue to pay dividends with my blood pressure and my metabolic. I'm still applying to jobs, but I hope I get a decent part-time soon. I want to be productive and earn some money. It also helps keep my writing fresh.

This time spent alone has helped in some ways. I gained back a little weight, the digestive symptoms calmed down, and I feel more clarity from this time to think. It's making more sense. Screening my communications has been helpful as well. I feel less confusion with fewer voices. It's not that I don't like people, I just need the clarity of the quiet.

I'm still looking for part time work. I'm trying to minimize and carefully filter my social contact so my life can be less confusing and scam free. I think my health care providers would appreciate fewer people messing with me. It gives them less work to do. Like Artstick said, can't have too many cooks in the kitchen. The less chaos, the better.

Hopefully, I'll be working again very soon. I'm tired of healthcare. Only now I'm due to see the dentist! *sigh*

    Life gets confusing sometimes, and I see the effect of a lot of bad communication. So, I'm trying to exercise patience and humility as I try to wrap up clearing up this healthcare situation and seek work. I'm trying to be very deliberate and selective in my communications so that I'm not misinterpreted. I knew communication was important, but it's absolutely amazing what miscommunication can do. Choosing words carefully is something I'm going to focus on. I'm going to present my best self, and hopefully that will lead to good things. Otherwise, I'm going to need a lot of metaphors. 

     I'm trying to work on some more funny stories for people, because I do believe that laughter is great medicine. Life gets too serious sometimes, we need something to laugh about to break it all up and be able to breathe. I know that's true for me. I need to laugh a little. 

    I'm interviewing for a new job today. I hope it works out. 

 Some of the things that people hate about me are some of the things i like the most. I like to avoid large social gatherings with the formalities, fakeness, the schedules and the shows. I like the substance beneath it all. They said when in Rome do as the Romans do. But that phrase leaves out the obvious: Rome fell. Societies come and go. Tying your horse to a group of people is only worthwhile in that it serves a purpose. 

I honestly would have liked clozaril to have been "the answer" for me. It might have saved me some heartache and grief. But experience and feedback tell me otherwise. Sometimes medicine isn't that simple. Sometimes a medication that appears to be a fit at one time does not in fact resolve problems at another point in time. I liked the idea of having a formula for my life. It was a beautiful idea. 

    I dunno, I get the feeling that I'm a little bit short on serenity. I don't know if I strike people as being laid back, but I'm not. I get frustrated. I've felt so driven. I get the urge to rub pennies together as if they might start a chain reaction and multiply.      Very strange, the world. Very strange. My life is seriously not as exciting as most people seem to think. Like because my parents had a fancy house I have it made. I do not. Not even close. I have to ask questions too. Questions like, will I be able to pay for food? Will I have a home? Will i have a job? I have to ask questions like that. And thats not actually a new thing. God forbid social security does decide to cut disability, then I'm well and truly fucked. It's really funny unless it's your life. Unless you're the one wondering if you'll have a home. Unless you're the one wondering if you'll be able to eat. Then it stops being funny. It doesn't seem like the peopl...

     I was wandering through the untethered confusion of the aftermath of 2022 as best I could (which, some would say, was not well at all), when I landed in that ER after the Spravato treatment. What a jolt that was. I have not felt safe since then, but I'm able to sleep now. This is part of how the contractor convinced me to buy the security system for the home that I live in. I had never felt the need for security before. It's always been one of the safest neighborhoods. Now I arm the security sometimes 24/7. Another bill to pay. My sense of certainty has diminished drastically. I doubt what I know. The doubt what I've done. It hasn't even been that eventful, I didn't think. I didn't think I was important enough to be noticed. I felt like it took a lot of nerve to go back to that ER. It did feel a bit surreal and mechanical. I learned a bit about power dynamics that month. I learned what happens when you attract the wrong attention. Maybe it was silly of me t...

Closer the walls and harder the task Alone again, I scream at the glass Closing in, the mocking faces Here I am, in the same old places... Running faster than I can think Making choices between every blink Into the fear and righteous anger I'm from one into another danger Where do I go when the last castle falls? Where do I go when the goaler calls? Where did I come from that I came to here? What do I do when I'm lost in my fear?

     I'm reminded of the old saying, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.       For me, that means going back to the same people, the same career paths, the same medication, expecting different results. It doesn't matter which drugs I try; I've tried so many. It doesn't matter which way I word the same things to the same people; they're still going to act the same regardless, it doesn't matter how I repackage my accounting and technology services, that ship has sailed.       I can't keep jamming a square peg in a round hole. My auditory communication is not great. It never has been. And it's gotten worse with the VNS. Some people don't like to communicate in writing. That became an issue in 2020 especially. It still is.       That's why my counseling is so important. It really helps with communication and executive skills. The Psychiatrists have made up the...

    Well, I guess I never learn. But these criminals think of everything. It starts with harassment. A bogus offer. Before you know it you're being threatened. At the end, you're out the money, stressed and humiliated. This is how social media scams work.      This one came from a tiktok account claiming to be associated with Stoll, Keenon, Ogden, PLLC. from Lexington, KY. Claiming to be an artist. The Scam was for $400.      Here's how it worked:     She contacted me out of the blue claiming to be interested in a photo of mine. She was an artist, she said, and wanted to make a painting of the photo. All she needed was my permission to use the photo.          Yeah, right. A long and very intense back and forth later, she had repeated threatened to call the police on me for cashing the check and refusing to follow her increasingly bizarre and aggressive instructions to send money to other people. At the end i sent...

    I'm trying to slow this down. This is like sleepwalking from one decision to the next. The sleep itself has improved, even though I haven't gotten my sleep equipment. The isolation has helped my blood pressure and anxiety. I had too many people in my mind, trying to mess with things they didn't understand or had no business fooling with in the first place. The internist really seemed to hit the nail on the head with the shot and recommendations. I swear, everything that inpatient manages to fuck up, the outpatient people help me clean up. Completely different meds and recommendations.      But my mental state has not been perfect. The meds have sedated away the restlessness. My focus and mental presence remain sketchy. I'm waiting on the insurance to approve the Vyvanse, but I doubt it will be a game changer. I need to make more measured decisions, more careful decisions. This has been a bit of a three-ring circus.      I've taken down the bus...

Canyons and valleys I can't reach you out there With all the space between Maybe life is suffering But I thought there was more. I've seen it here and there Those other things I mentioned It never lasts too long And then I'm back again.  I have to go away In order to come back I have to find a way To find all that I lack. Come find me in-between  I'll save a place for you We'll write our own brave story And finally make it true.

    People tell me that I look younger than I actually am sometimes. Growing up, I was an idealist. I did have confidence, outwardly at least. I come to realize in this dispute of mine over diagnoses that, regardless of the details, medication can only do so much. It's been quite a distraction, trying to understand what exactly the different medications are doing and what they aren't doing.      When I got diagnosed with the DID thing, I thought it was a chance to reinvent myself, to improve my life, but it hasn't quite turned out that way. Instead, I find myself brushing up against barriers that I was either unaware of or was trying to ignore. Ironically, I passed the CPA exam but it expired a good long while ago. I'm feeling my age in moving slower, responding slower, not having the same endurance. I have to be realistic. I don't know who I thought I was. But it's become clear I've been expecting too much from medication.       I feel like ...