Darkness Until Dawn

     I keep getting distracted, but if I'm trying to get my days back down to a system, just a different system. A system focused around accountec, writing, and health. As I keep saying getting too old for stretching myself thin, for chaos. I can't afford distractions. 

      So now Adsense is on this thing about not too many pictures or videos and a quality experience with enough original words. So, I'm increasing my posts with totally original words and trying to make sure my little song remixes are original and not flat regurgitations or anything like that. Hopefully adsense will see that I'm creating something unique and that people are actually reading and allow me to post some ads because this website costs time and money to maintain and I've been through a lot, even if people like to disagree on the details and a warm f*** you to Ableists and revisionists of my personal medical trauma. I'm so sick of these a*holes that collect at psych providers offering unsolicited opinions on pain and history that they know little to nothing about.      Anyways, I hope since adsense offers little specific feedback or even a way to discuss it with a human or even a robot that soon they find the wisdom to approve my sight or help me...

     I got more sleep last night and it was beautiful. maybe 7 hours. Ironically, today I see the sleep doc and he DOES NOT work for this hospital system. We're thinking about a new CPAP machine because it's due for replacement. I just got fresh supplies so hopefully we'll get a machine that is compatible. The old one makes too much noise and has maintenance issues. 

     I've heard a lot of complaining lately that the news and social media are full of negativity. Suffering is part of the human experience. Ignoring or turning a blind eye to suffering does not in fact make the suffering go away. It may help one to sleep better at night indulging in a lack of awareness, but it also allows ignorance and suffering to flourish. Awareness of suffering is necessary. It helps us to look out for our neighbors, and as we all know, love thy neighbor.      Life is suffering. To exist is to suffer. And no one should suffer in silence.      For example, that woman got run over in Las Vegas, I believe it was. I'd rather not hear of people getting run over. But if it happens, I think her suffering deserves and demands recognition, especially until the culprit is found. 

 I've decided to diverge from my usual writing style to try my hand at thriller writing. So, I'm working with the story called "The Messenger". It's centered around a fantasy i had.

    As we all know, Congress passed the new legislation. There's plenty of places to read about that, so I won't spend time on it.     Life can be really mind bending in both its repetitiveness and the change that can come so unexpectedly. Today, I'm focusing on maintaining some routine. I've got some writing to work on and some errands to run while I wait to hopefully hear back on that job. Hopes and prayers on that one. A warm shout out to all the 9-5ers. I hope everyone is having a fantastic week. I'll try to get out another poem today and work on some prose.

    Stubborn generally has a negative connotation. It means to persist despite evidence suggesting that one should stop. But another way to interpret being stubborn is to be perseverant, determined, or strong willed. It was stubborn to continue therapy against the wishes of the hospital. It was stubborn to not go to the phoenix center. It was stubborn to come out of two comas. I did it anyways. I'm damn stubborn. Because in the end it was the right thing to do for me. And that is why I am stubborn. I insist on doing what is right for me, just as jessica said I needed to do. And I don't regret it. Filing the complaint against CCBH was the right thing to do. I don't regret it. They can curse my name and hate me, but God knows on this I am right. Sometimes I am wrong. I was wrong to contact the nurse, I was wrong to keep taking Spravato. Those things I regret. But I do not regret being right. I never will apologize for doing what is right.

Buy food. Cook food. Eat food. Work on promoting my business Apply for part time jobs. Ignore other people's BS watch documentaries Clean Sleep Play a strategy game Exercise Spend time with a friend Take meds Hygiene Write Read Counseling on pursuing my goals Try talking to people and not communicating what I'm trying to say, judging by the results.  Live my life as if a camera is following me around and getting annoyed by it. Being disorganized anyways and no longer caring because my living area is MY living area, not anyone else's.  Feeling resentful and angry. Trying to paint and express myself Manage my bills and other adulting Ponder what its like to be a social butterfly

     I've actually been isolating to reduce the risk of conflict. Because, as I said, you can always choose not to visit this website, but I hope you will. Constructive feedback is appreciated.  

      I've tried playing around with Ryter a bit, but so far I'm not thrilled. I feel that it dilutes my voice and makes me sound bland. I think it will be more helpful for when I have a passage that I know only very basics of what I want. In that case it can give me something to work with and fine tune into what I'm really trying to say. But as far as refining or editing what I already have or completely coming up with something from scratch, that's not what it does for me. 

 Less angry, more metaphors... less angry, more metaphors...

     When im able to write, it brings me happiness. Just not able to do it very much. Well. Today is day 2 back on ritalin. We knew there was a chance for bumps. I need to be patient. Sometimes it makes me more impatient. Patience is hard.

       I find statistics interesting because they tell me about the world like accounting tells me about a business. Granted, it's only 30 users, but my regular readers come from these cities. Except for the blocked locations (26.67%)), I can see my regular readers have been coming from US (~50%), India (~13.3%), and Sweden (~6.67%). At least, that's where Google is tracking them to. This could be distorted by VPN, filters, etc. 

 

2: Stop expecting people to understand 3: Don't spend time with people who pick fights

     While I don't like to get political, and I'm not gay nor dating anyone I find myself somewhat gender nonconforming. I find I identify with females more than many men. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. For starters, most men do not keep websites based on things like mental health. I remember the psychology program at clemson. It was at most 20% male. Accounting was more balanced.      Sometimes it makes for awkward moments. You think a situation is on a platonic level or the other way around, and suddenly you realize it's not. Or someone misinterprets something non-sexual as being sexual. And then there's problems. Especially when people are obsessed with appearances. And then every interaction becomes a weapon. Which is why I can't talk to certain people anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick of being micro analyzed by people who can't mind their own business. 

 I think the appearance of perfection is misleading. That is why I do not correct all grammar errors or try to have the perfect website. I think it creates the wrong impression. I do not want to be seen as perfect. It's a bad idea.

     When I was little, my first dream was to be a cop. Just a low level, normal cop. All this working on myself reminds me of how I missed the boat on simplicity. Became entirely too complicated. I need to be simpler. Trying to be complicated isn't working out.      I mean, seriously, I'm trying to run a Upstate healthcare group, write, do accounting, find someone, do counseling, and clean up my relationships. If you consider all the subtasks, it seems like a lot. Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one. Getting rather angry at it.

Robin Williams Denzel Washington Nelson Mandela Mother Teresa (this one is controversial) Barack Obama FDR Nathaniel Greene (Easy one) George Washington My Great Aunt

    Today, I took some time to restore my lantern. Maybe a little metal polish to finish it off. Then I'm going to put a scented candle inside. Put it on the mantel.