Darkness Until Dawn

 Dear Elle,     I'd like to think that there are people who know the real me in this world. I took a few falls. I need to move past the falls.       I remember what Leaves said. She said "all my best". Because she knew about me and Prichards. I know I'm doing the right thing to try to understand this. I know it's very important. There are people that would rather let sleeping dogs lie, to sweep the past under the rug. I can't do that. I have to understand. It is essential to my existence to understand this. I have no choice. I have to be sure. I have to know what it means.       I wish i could tell you everything in person. Maybe you'd believe me, maybe not. There are people that want to stop me. They want to bury this. They are addicted to the mirage. But I have to understand my body and the drugs and Prichards. For both my sake and the sake of anyone like me. The medical system doesn't want to know. Because of the money. But I nee...

     Looking up Elle was a mistake, but if you know anything about trauma, anything at all, then it's not actually surprising. I know she knows why I did it. I shouldn't even have to explain myself to people. A handful of text messages is not a big deal. I knew her a long time. I know Leaves and Molly know why. Anyways, that was a long time ago. She's out there, she's safe, that's what matters. And she knows how to find me. I gave her everything. Not exactly a criminal mastermind. Why do I feel afraid? I don't know, exactly. The world seems chaotic. But people have to help one another. I feel safer when the people who understand are nearby. She was one. She could read me. I think I was pretty good at reading her too.

 

  Well, you see her when you fall asleep But never to touch and never to keep 'Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep   And you let her go 'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missing home Only know you love her when you let her go  

Some say love, it is a river That drowns the tender reed Some say love, it is a razor That leaves your soul to  bleed Some say love, it is a hunger An endless aching need I say love, it is a flower And you, its only seed It's the heart afraid of breaking That never learns to dance It's the dream afraid of waking That never takes the chance It's the one who won't be taking Who cannot seem to give And the soul, afraid of dying That never learns to live When the night has been too lonely And the road has been too long And you think that love is only For the lucky and the strong Just remember in the winter Far beneath the bitter snows Lies the seed that with the sun's love In the spring becomes the rose

     I've had some weird ideas in my time. Some places, you end up there, there's not much to do. Let's take two different ones: McClean and MIP.     MIP has changed much over the years. The food is worse. The pool table is long gone. The fence is stronger. More cameras. Key cards, no more manual keys. Anyways... most of the staff I knew is retiring and the rest will move on to the new place when it gets finished.      I used to like to go for walks. I got so damn bored. I learned so many details. It freaks them out now. Funny it never did before, and I had plenty of opportunity. I guess my attachment to Elle really shook them. I used to be angry, but I kept it hidden. And that's more dangerous. Keeping secrets. Oh, I used to make plans. All sorts of plans. But I don't do that anymore. Because I get the right help.      Anyways, trust can be such a strange thing. It's a risk. It's always a risk.      Techs have less e...

  Overnight surge. I'm wondering where I'm getting my Iranians.  سلام ایران! خوش آمدید به آمریکا! Salam Iran! Khush aamdid bah america! Italy finally shows up!