Darkness Until Dawn

    The question I come to in mental health these days is: what is realistic? Is it realistic to push the doctors and the medications so hard that my doctors quit and the meds cause ER visits? Is that realistic? I said this because I can't be the only frustrated one. I think that I've pushed the limits of psychiatry pretty well, from the feedback I've gotten.      So what is realistic? What is realistic with autism-adhd plus whatever you want to call whatever the rest of it might be? I'm trying to find out. Realistically, my job is to do what I am able, no less and no more, just like anyone else I suppose.       I feel I've attracted so much controversy that it blows my mind how much controversy there is. I almost want to get retested just so they can verify that yes, facts are facts. Autism is real. ADHD is real. The rest of it is... whatever the rest of it is. I'm not going to argue.       I'm just so tired of people bei...

      I think my biggest mistakes were not taking autism spectrum seriously, trusting Assmussen when I shouldn't have, believing that medication could do more then it actually does, going to McClean, and spending too much time in hospitals. In the aftermath of Prichards' abrupt resignation, I wish I would have been firmer and stronger. I wish I would have communicated better.       I regret allowing Leaves and Molly to shoulder blame. It was not their fault. It was a medication clusterfuck with some God complexes in charge. It got rather ugly. So I've withdrawn a little bit. Until I'm strong enough to face the remaining problems. I can't play musical centers/hospitals. Especially when they don't have a fucking clue and they are just pointing fingers. I'm too tired for the bullshit.       Given the carousel of medications that I've been on, the misdiagnoses, and all the stress and miscommunication, I have no doubt that it's true that...

      I don't like it when people get hurt. I don't. But she was all that was standing in the way of me and that key card. People wonder why I get frustrated and angry, it's when other people condescend or stand in my way or make threats. Even for decades after I started having thoughts of hurting health care workers, I didn't realize the anger problems I had.       She was a nice lady. I could have attacked her, no one was nearby but I didn't want her to be hurt. I'm not that kind of person. I knew I didn't want to do it so I didn't. She was safe with me. So maybe she wasn't so crazy to go walking along down a dim hall alone and far from the unit at night with a patient. Maybe some men would have attacked a woman half thier weight in an opportune moment in a dark hall. But I'm just not one of them. I just struggle to communicate and get angry.

     I think there's a lot of misconceptions about THC. The biggest for me personally, is that some people think I was addicted to it or that I was "having fun". Wrong. No, I tried it under the advice of a phyisician, it became a whole big thing, and I was taking very small amounts to treat symptoms, not to have fun. To me it was no different than a medication.       It was Spravato that became a huge problem. It landed me in the ER with crazy symptoms. It's going to be some time before I feel comfortable discussing what thc and spravato were like, because it was definitely a traumatic event. THC did have an uplifting effect, but the amount of lies and trauma around it makes it unlikely that I will ever try it again. I'm still trying to feel safe in my own skin again, especially around hospitals.       They're so busy pointing fingers sometimes that they forget to check the facts. Such as, oh yeah, WE were the ones that prescribed S...

Jess... you cant keep going visible just because he's cute. AND STOP BREAKING INTO HOSPITALS.

  [Whispers] ok, everyone, on three, we run... bob... tie her shoelaces together.

  Perhaps we don't have to blow up memorial after all... vell, shall we call off Plays with Matches?

Everything is quiet since I'm not around And I live in the numbness now Sinking right down. I do the things I did before I write stories more and more And then they say where's that crazy guy You don't get work a lot and joke no more I don't see me anymore Since 2020 came The plans I make don't have me in them 'Cause dreams come swimming into view And I'm hanging around the ward like I always used to do The words they use so lightly Are oh so far from view I only know because I, carry me around in the background I'm in the background Words they come and memories all repeat Pain inside like nothing I'd care to meet And I would never lie to you, No, I would never lie to you, I never thought I'd feel so very through But it feels true... The plans I make still have you in them 'Cause dreams come swimming into view And I'm hanging in the ward like I always used to do The words they use so lightly seem so far it...

  Jess where are you hiding?

  Sarah don't go after her!!!

This is how we blew it (This is how we blew it) (This is how we blew it)   This is how we blew it It was inpatient night and I felt like a fight The screwup was there on southwest side So I reach for my BP and I turn it up Designated doc take the keys to my chart   Hit the ward 'cause I'm faded LPC's in the street say, Ash, you jaded I feel so screwed by my crew tonight The summertime jerks and my guys in the ward All the STAFFERs DIDN'T forget the TEXTING You gotta get your dx on before you go get discharged So light up your chart and throw your hands up And let me hear the staffers say   I'm kinda puzzed and it's all because (This is how we blew it) Southwest does it like nobody does   (This is how we blew it) To all my doctors, you got much gall (This is how we blew it) Let's fuck with the mind, mouth off with a rhyme (This is how we blew it)   This is how we blew it, throw scripts up in the air Disburse them from here to there If you're an ...

So yeah... It's not like I picked her because I wanted to hurt her. I picked her because she was young and just a tech and seemed a little naive. I picked her because she was half my weight. I picked her because she seemed to trust me. But in the end, as angry as I was and as much as I wanted to leave, I didn't want to hurt her. Because I like people. She was sweet. Kind. I liked her too much to hurt her.  Elle was different. Much more aware. Knew me much better. She knew exactly what she was doing in the storage closet.

      You always have to have contingency plans. This is certainly not meant to be a primer on how to hurt mental health workers, but I get angry sometimes. And I had contingency plans. So they should just be glad. Because part of me would have attacked that woman. Part of me would have dragged her into that room and knocked her out and beaten her if neccessary.  To get that card and get the hell out of dodge. I'm so tired of these places. You don't get much help in these places. I was THERE for treating a bad Spravato reaction. Not bullshit and lies. You prescribed it. Deal with it.

      It was a long time ago and I wasn't getting the right help. I had a lot of anger. Like I said she was young. Maybe mid-twenties. About ten years younger. You spend enough time around places like MIP, you get pushed too hard, you don't express your feelings... things can go in weird directions. There was a hall leading from the unit down to the cafeteria. There was a turn. That was the first marker. You go past there, in the evening... No one can see from the unit... not many workers around... sound doesn't carry that great...     You spend enough time in these places... you get angry enough...     By the time you get to the X, and it's evening, and there's no one around but you and some 20 something woman about half your weight who's not even paying attention... either she was brave or foolish. Because she carried one of those key cards. And I was tired of that place. All I needed was my hand over her mouth at the X, drag her into 1 or two, and t...

    It's gotten a little bit mixed up along the way. When I was at Mindwell, there was a nurse that also worked at MIP, B. I told her a little about my time at MIP, and how much Elle had helped me. She said, yeah, she married one of the doctors there. I mentioned Arson. She said yeah, that was him.      Maybe mentioning Elle's name in the ER was a bit of my undoing... having contacted her outside the hospital. Because when two people get married they tend to live together and well, knowing her contact information, and that she lives just down the road... not exactly conducive to trust. Perhaps creates one of those lack of independence things, which would explain why Arson angrily quit and I ended up with Gullet and McClinton. McClinton was nice but Gullet could barely look at me. I don't remember saying anything of meaning to Gullet. Oh, I told McClinton plenty about doctors and hospitals, not that she enjoyed it. Things get dicey sometimes. This is why I need t...

      I think any healthcare professional that allows rumors about one of their own to flourish should do the world a favor and quit today. I think any healthcare professional that prefers scapegoats and demonization to doing their job properly should quit today. I think any healthcare professional that takes a paycheck while doing these things need to be retrained or let go. I've been held accountable in my life. I've been trained or let go from time to time. Accountability is a good thing for the system. The idolatry of doctors is not healthy. Making money promoting drugs with faulty numbers can and should be called out (here's looking at you, Malacheck).      I'd to thank SCDHEC yet again for taking action on CCBH. I feel that it is necessary to do so. I feel that it is necessary to have health care employees held accountable for thier actions, such as instructing someone to kill themselves, going after their family for 50,000$ of malpractice, and not ha...

RULE NUMBER ONE: THOU SHALT NOT TAKE SPRAVATO! you tend to end up in ERs that way... RULE NUMBER TWO: You do not, under any circumstances, repeat names of hospital staff in ERs... its not a pretty pretty picture... they dont like me doing it... RULE NUMBER THREE: you don't mix humor with medical care. It tends to get misinterpreted.

  Vell... I think this one is sufficiently haunted... which hospital is next on zee list?

     I think the hospital is more then a little bit misguided. Making assumptions, passing out blame and encouraging rumors isn't exactly the effective practice of medicine. It's borderline malpractice.  What they could do instead is ascertain all the accurate facts, keep non-essential information limited, and coordinate care.

  Ashes got carried away again? What do we tell the fire marshal?