Darkness Until Dawn

  Ok, this batch of explosives goes to the hospital on the eastside.

  Vell... I think this one is sufficiently haunted... which hospital is next on zee list?

  Jess! No!

     I'm still not sure why I said elle's name in the er. I just started running through a list of people that knew about my past. From hr block to city center to Elle to mindful upstate to several others. They sure didn't seem to appreciate it.

I honestly don't know how I would keep going without writing. It's really the heart of me. My faith has been badly shaken since 2019-2021. The way I look at the world is so different. Theres this gnawing sense of despair. Because I did idolize prichards. It wasn't realistic. It never truly was. It's a shattered illusion of some 20+ years. There was a sense of safety that never truly recovered.

     I've heard a lot of complaining lately that the news and social media are full of negativity. Suffering is part of the human experience. Ignoring or turning a blind eye to suffering does not in fact make the suffering go away. It may help one to sleep better at night indulging in a lack of awareness, but it also allows ignorance and suffering to flourish. Awareness of suffering is necessary. It helps us to look out for our neighbors, and as we all know, love thy neighbor.      Life is suffering. To exist is to suffer. And no one should suffer in silence.      For example, that woman got run over in Las Vegas, I believe it was. I'd rather not hear of people getting run over. But if it happens, I think her suffering deserves and demands recognition, especially until the culprit is found. 

All's vell that ends vell, Volly. You don't mind if I lay some droppings over the hospital campus, no?

     If the hospital can't recognize autism, can't recognize trauma, then God help them because I surely can't.  If they can manage to screw up a hospital stay that badly, then God help them because I surely can't. Because if they wanna go legal, bring it on. We can all lawyer up and argue all day. But me, I have to let things go. Because I took the Spravato, knowing there were risks, and yeah, I contacted the nurse. They need to cool their jets, though. Count to ten and stop making stupid ASS out of U And Me PTIONS. That's dangerous.       LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT FREAKING TRAUMA AND AUTISM. IT'S YOUR DAMN JOBS. There's your feedback survey. Otherwise, we're not helping anyone. It's not like autism is that uncommon. And we know more than we did in the 90s. Anyways, some things are best handled in an outpatient setting. Elle understood. Leaves understood. Some of y'all could try a hell of a lot harder though.      Anyways. World's got ...

     I think the hospital is more then a little bit misguided. Making assumptions, passing out blame and encouraging rumors isn't exactly the effective practice of medicine. It's borderline malpractice.  What they could do instead is ascertain all the accurate facts, keep non-essential information limited, and coordinate care.

      The problem with putting doctors at the pinnacle of an idealized medical thinking is that it encourages idolatry and a system of unequal persons and unrealistic expectations and interpretations. If the doctor is God and the nurses are disciples, then the patients are the ignorant damned who will and must obey without question. This perverse mindset promotes the idea that medications are the answer and that everything comes down to a substance or a system of regimented thought and it crushes independent thought and individual initiative, which THC became helpful as a means to unregiment and desystemize my thinking, to help me to break the rigid ideas where I was broken and the doctor was the messiah with drugs as his messengers. 

     Bipolar and DID both involve a disconnection from reality. I've seen psychosis in action, and the ideas that come out are generally very far from reality. With Bipolar, you see such an incredibly inflated sense of importance, whereas with DID there is, in my experience, a great deal of agony and very little sense of importance. Someone with bipolar can feel very important and powerful, whereas with DID it is more like the invisible man. One is an ego out of control, the other is a wounded ego. 

 I've decided to diverge from my usual writing style to try my hand at thriller writing. So, I'm working with the story called "The Messenger". It's centered around a fantasy i had.

    The message was heavy. He had crafted it for hours... days... weeks. He wanted them to know the truth. He wanted it written loud. he constructed his letters with ammonium nitrate, accented his words with a few blocks of Trinitrotoluene. he wrapped them in velcro around a surplus bulletproof vest, all connected to a homemade deadman's switch. He caringly altered surplus body armor onto a custom body suit, enabling him to move naturally but with added protection underneath a workman's uniform. he weaved hidden pockets into the seams of the shirt and pants, laboring for hours and then days with only determination and dedication as his fuel. He even got a part time job playing the part, working on his demeanor and body language along with some slang and work speak. He changed the company he kept, all to play the role to deliver his message safe and sound.