Darkness Until Dawn

Dear Elle, I've really had some doubts about my families. I was in the hospital by age 13. 13. Now I have DID. According to standardized testing. Which only occurs in situations of abuse before the age of ten. Then im thinking about all the drugs they put me on and the lack of independence. Then im looking at Münchhausens by proxy. And it says the person in charge of the care of the person with by proxy is often a health care provider. I have two doctors in my family. You do see where im going with this? If im right, that would make sense because I was told my parents are harmful to me. It's just, you know, I've tried to help them. They don't listen. I've got to think on this some more. I just hope there are eyes on me. In case anyone tries to threaten or pressure. It's hard to stay level like this. Ashes

A small town... a white building built like an inn... People would come in and line up in the room to the right with the others, thinking they were checking in to a hotel and not the hospital where James Taylor recovered from heroine addiction. Opposite that room, the one room with AC, where everyone would pile in on the 100 degree summer days, making the room itself hot. Past there, past the nurses station and the stairs going up, you could get to the back door opening on a lawn with chairs where we played whiffle ball. Or go downstairs to a cave like basement with a big screen and vending.  Facing that main building, to the left was level 2, apartments. Somewhere, I think in lennox, was another building of apartments.  I remember Marge and Susie. I remember the bank. Walking down the street, the bank was across from the recreation therapy building.

Unusual experiences can instill unusual habits. I have a bed but I sleep on the couch. Im trying to get comfortable sleeping in my room. I have trouble organizing, and stuff ends up in odd places. When adrenaline rises, I dart and then almost collapse. I don't like to stand long for fear of fainting.  I have trouble prioritizing. Memories come suddenly. I dissociate (space out) frequently. My face tingles. Tinnitus. But overall, much improvement since march.

What is it?      Anxiety is an emotion that tells us when something in our life seems out of place or improper.  What does it tell us?      Anxiety tells us to exercise caution, to think before acting. How to deal with it?     Visualizations are fantastic for anxiety. Deep breathing. Ice. talking to someone. Counting down from 100 by 7s. A good joke. Singing. Moving your body (dance). Yoga. running.  Body sensations     Tightness, faintness, blurred vision, sweating, butterflies, heart racing, restlessness, energy Examples?     Making a speech, driving in a busy area, telling someone bad news.

What did one suspicious nail say to the other? I've got MIST'RUST!

 EIGHT LEGS! *Sweeping* Ebbyday! Spidey knot di fastest arachnid in di attick, but sumting rotten round here... Spidey fix...

Dear Elle,     I'm drawing on the knowledge and the faith I have collected from so many people. You were there from 97-20. They can make it about your hair color or your physical attributes, but you were my RN. You watched over me, you taught me, you never failed me. You know me.      I need to be a better me. While I cannot simply sit and blame my families, I cannot stay the same nor can I simply forget. You may be asking why. Why he can't just go live life and work and get married and forget. To me, that kind of walking away is a betrayal of the struggle and an abandonment of the people like me who also got lost as well as a burying of the truth. I cannot be the only zombie that's been walking around drugged up. I cannot believe that living that way is healthy or right. Maybe I haven't seen enough evil, but life has not actually been a walk in the park. I don't like being that disabled guy with the name.      You WOULD NOT LET ME BREAK. So now I...

I created a series called creative medicine to warn people about the dangers of different prescription drugs. This is not at all an encouragement to use them. Quite the opposite. I learned wrong. I still have to take some. I try to take as few as possible. Lots of vitamins helps to make up the difference. My hope is that by educating Greenville County, I can avoid lots of pills out there. I can avoid doctors getting script happy. 

I'll never forget Mini press. This is some highly dangerous stuff. The red pills. It decreases adrenaline. Makes you think things are ok. deactivates fight or flight. decreases nightmares for some people. BUT WHEN YOU COME DOWN... shit gets real. suddenly you're freaking out and can't stop. Nothing makes it stop. That's probably why they dye it red. it's an alpha-blocker. primarily for blood pressure. Beta blockers are safer, less powerful. The blue pills. Propranolol. 

     Gabapentin is a drug that I have strong feelings about. That stuff can get pretty crazy. Disinhibits behavior like alcohol. I start doing all sorts of crazy stuff. This one is scary. Mostly used for seizures, but also for shingles and off label for anxiety. Long term use, especially at high doses, can (in my experience) lead to muscle spasms, phantom sensations, and a loss of awareness.

    Benzos are classified as anti-anxiety medications, but they can be used for some other things like sleep, or I think as add ons for seizures or akathisia, for example. Some benzos are valium, tranxene, ativan, xanax, and klonopin.       These meds have become slightly less popular for a few different reasons. Firstly, they are addictive. Secondly, they decrease alertness. Thirdly, they have certain long-term effects, primarily in memory , attention , and overall cognitive functioning . These effects can be permanent , regardless of whether the drugs are stopped. Can you guess how many of those Benzos I have tried? of the ones listed above only, I have tried all but xanax. These things are dangerous. They change your perception.       The hippocampus encodes memories based on emotional intensity. When you're on a benzo, it calms you and everything is just groovy. Decreases the intensity. What will you remember? How well will you func...

     I think some people are missing the point. I needed a different perspective from medically perfectionist liberalized medicine. I wasn't getting the perspective I needed. I needed someone to point out the insanity of what was going on. And I found those people. I found them in a black female doctor, a male PA, two female LPCs, and a female NP internist.       These people are giving me that different perspective. Maybe I could have found more white male practitioners who could give me that perspective. Maybe not. But what I know for sure is that this has to stop. I picked people that were not part of the club on purpose. The meds weren't working out. I was misled. They weren't helping me. Now I'm on different ones. I have to keep in the middle, wherever that path is exactly. The doctors will always try. They can't help themselves. They need something to fix. Like a bored auto mechanic. I need people to stop trying to fix me. It's really run amuck. ...

     Courage isn't just facing pain or uncertainty. Courage does also involve knowing when to say no. And that would be easier, if I wasn't raised to be addicted to liberalized medicine.      Do I know what the perfect middle ground is? Most definitely not. I do not. But what I am certain of, looking at my history, is that I was misled about what medicine can do. My body is too tired. Medically complex has got to be the body's way of saying "I can't keep doing this. I've got to slow it down. It's wearing me out." I've not been realistic. Whatever is or isn't wrong with me, I can't do the hospitals. God willing, I'll do whatever I can do, and I'll die peacefully. God willing, the world will back off angry so angry can back off too.       What I truly need is no more medicalized perfection and some privacy. Because to me this is Munchhausen's by proxy or something close to it. It's stressing me out. I need privacy. Medical com...

      These storms get crazy sometimes. Interesting that the hospital uses the website. So I thought maybe giving them more information would help. But then I realized that's not what I need. I need to learn to shelter in place better, and let the storms pass. I need to get to know people in the community, not in the hospital. Hospitals aren't places for meeting people.      I need to let people in the community learn about me. I need to learn about them. I need to adapt. Because I'm tired of being "just" that disabled guy. I need some privacy and some peace. This isn't working, the whole shipping me from here to there to everywhere and trying every last therapy and drug. I've got to stay on the outside, in the community, doing what I can and not pushing too hard. That's why I firewalled my healthcare. That's why I stopped going out. Because I can't keep up with this.      The hospitals were a mistake. Bipolar was a mistake. It hasn't actua...