Darkness Until Dawn

 I can never forget the Roscasch Test at MIP. I remember the inkblot that sometimes could be a butterfly. I said I saw "male sexual organs". The Test result came back as "internalized anger".  See that's where I get frustrated. If you're saying a teenager has internalized anger and they mention sexual organs, you should be flagging that person for abuse, teaching them boundaries, and not diagnosing bipolar or psychosis and chemicalizing them. That simply submerges the issue and then they go out into the world with poor boundaries, and they get in trouble. I'd really like mental hospitals to be more careful with medication and apply better boundaries with patients, especially young adults. Bipolar doesn't come out of thin air. The symptoms are learned. The behaviors are learned. You can't medicate that away. Putting people on antipsychotics for every little thing is the Psychiatrist's insanity. They see what they want to see in what a patient ...

 I was thinking about Springbrook. There were problems.  The nursing staff was incredibly gossipy and HIPPA was violated every single day. It was revolting. Something is interesting. Something's hearing is too good. But they need something to talk about, I guess. Awareness is helpful. But mindless gossip teaches the wrong things. It actually encourages Mindlessness. If you don't know what you're talking about, don't talk about someone in the building. You teach the wrong things.  The male attending psychiatrist needs sensitivity training. It's disgusting to see a man standing his workplace, literally in the middle of a public patient area, unloading about one of his patients to a staff member. Absolutely appalling. It's appalling when you lie to patient's face. Claiming to know a family member that you simply do not know is just stupid. Not helpful. And unethical. Attendings get desensitized. They say weird things. One blonde resident they used simply to pas...

Arson is the only attending I still know. Arson doesn't like Ashes and Dust very much. It reminds him of the failures of himself and his colleagues. The Medication Mania and Medicalized Depression they created. Then the staff is constantly having to sweep me up off the floor. He finds Rain depressing, then he develops Seasonal Affective Disorder. He's rather paranoid of Shadows. Afraid of Spiders. Unaware of Bob. Gets control issues with Gatekeepers. OCD like. Why is it always locked? Where's my key? He can't find Diamonds anywhere, so at least he can't steal them. Sometimes he talks to the Skye. As if the Skye is listening. He's not great with reflection, but I think he has projection mastered. But he needs Reinforcement. Sound a buzzer, maybe someone is listening. Send Small in, she's pretty, he'll listen to her. BUZZ! Wrongo. He's still working on extinction. He's been dipping into the regression. Now he's reaching for substance use, but i...

So apparently, I was wrong. I apologize. The 600 pages of documentation were not my entire record from that hospital. The 600 pages were the records of one ten day stay. Now it's becoming clearer. This is why MIP went on and on about "watching the bed" and how much it cost to "watch the bed". That bed must be fascinating. I guess understanding ethics is more complicated. Because what Malacheck, Prichards, Arson, Tott, Dolyart, Groans, and Rippit did or did not do back in the 90s with DSM Mania and Medicalized Depression, made them seem rather Bipolar to me. But maybe that's projection. Maybe I'm having Seasonal Disaffection. I used to like MIP, but that's back when we were both afraid of my father and I had hospital insurance, which not only paid better but it was their own insurance, so it was easier for them. When you have the government insurance, your popularity drops like a rock. It pays worse in general, doesn't cover the fancy patented dru...

 I'm thinking that maybe we're learning together. Me, the 600-page hospital, and the one next door. They seem a little nervous when I come visit. I was there only 6 minutes before appointment time and I had the code, but instead they had a security guard at the parking lot and no keypad lock.  I'm just glad the PA is not one of them. The old guard. I'm really disappointed in the old guard. Because I idolized my father. And he worked next door. And it seemed they didn't have proper independence. Diagnosis salad. First the adhd because I didn't learn fast enough. Then the depression because I was a disappointment. Then the bipolar because I pushed too hard and because psychosis was a convenient way to bury abuse red flags. Aspergers because of sensory integration issues and communication issues that came from fear and lack of trust plus isolation.  We're also learning about threats. A good way to avoid having patients threaten lawsuits and mailing out 600 page...

So I thought I'd maybe try to think about something a little less edgy. Because Malachecks death has been on my mind. You know, I uh, did appreciate Austen Riggs. They were very strict on medications. The most dangerous incident involved a woman pulling a knife on another woman over a man. She was permanently removed.  But then I got thinking about rTMS. Ah the new ECT. No more lightning bolt. Magnetic waves. They had to stop. The VNS was picking up the magnetic pulses. That may have been what caused the malfunction when the wire in my chest heated up. After that I stopped fiddling with the magnet so much. Leave well enough alone. There are some very good people that work in Healthcare. Who care very much. Who respect boundaries. I appreciate them very much. I hope they know that. I hope they remember.