Darkness Until Dawn

I'm just tired of conflict and I can't go back to the past. So. Y'all do what you need to do. The name is on the the chart though. I get it. I changed it at one point. People got really ugly about it. So just forget it. Use my legal name. Cut the bullshit. You do that and I'll call it even. I don't really get it. Y'all don't get me. Call it even. Outpatient knows how to help. Personally I miss artstick but, unfortunately... she's gone. Anyways. I'm with Coffee now. Not everyone is going to like me and I can't like everyone. Just don't dehumanize me or insult or attack my professionals. Or I'll be taking that up the chain. As high as it needs to go. And I'm going to be much more careful about what I express. This is totally creepy. Did I mention inpatient was an ethical cesspool? OK not everyone. Not the the resident, the observers, or most of the nurses. The patients and some staff. Just some really wierd shit yall teach these people ...

I get so frustrated and there is anger and fear but I cannot go back to the numbness. I can only hope that the intensity continues to fade, that I can keep my more paranoid instincts in check. Because it truly is not a matter of substances or medications but past experience. There is no drug for that. Only growth.  The fact is that the gun and the prescriptions and the more dangerous behavior are in the past. The past doesnt actually have to repeat. Pretending it does only frightens people.  I'm not that same person. I've moved farther. But I'm not actually showing that to people. And until I do they will remain angry and afraid like me. I have to put down my stones. I have to show empty hands. And then we can trust. I've done that before. With some people, I can do it again. Others I have to let go. The hospital has not been helpful recently, but i can't throw stones. I can't expect them to understand and I don't actually need them to understand. I have the...

I've gotten a little too lost in the past couple weeks. There were some realities about my community and myself that were abrasive. I'm not the only one who can be hard to handle. There were people who thought I was very strong. Some of them now see weakness. Others see strength that they did not see before but I'm definitely much different. Much more complex. Less robotic. Deeper. I'm glad. But it disappoints me to see how confused and afraid people are. Because I am indeed still me. They don't understand. They find it very frightening. I was numbed out by those drugs, and it gave me a very strong and masculine appearance but a simple-minded lack of depth. While they seem to revel in my insight, they fear what they perceive as weakness, paranoia, and destabilization. At times I've been graphic or abrupt. And me seeing thier fear and hostility has not inspired confidence for me either.  I need to turn a page. Not with my immediate family. We need to be apart. Bu...

If anyone still thinks this is funny or not criminal, YOU ARE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. Records. Tests. Drugs. Doctors. Centers. Hospitals. Not just two states. SC, MA, and yes, GA. Einstein in Atlanta. And he did try to say something. No one was listening. I was I think 19 then. This is Human Trafficking, Drug Trafficking, Human experimentation, and abuse, with reckless endangerment at a minimum. On someone who was a minor, then a drugged minor, then a drugged adult. That's what this is. They tell me that there are other victims. They tell me it's not all about me. So what happens next? I can't be the one to decide. It needs to be a federal Judge. I firmly believe that. Someone needs to look at all this evidence, question the witnesses, find any other victims of this system, and hold people accountable. I firmly believe that. 100%. I cannot be the one to decide what happens. Federal money was used. Across state lines. I worked in tax. There's a shit load of laws in questio...

Did is really very similar to ptsd. I only talk about it because its slightly different and because it shouldn't have to be that scary. They're all just labels for problems. That's all the dsm is. Descriptions of problems. It's not a movie. Im not a criminal mastermind im just angry. Like someone with ptsd. Extremely angry. But people around me don't get it. They can't drive that point through their thick skulls. They're fucking know it alls. Always will be. They say im the delusional one. But everyone has delusions. Even doctors. God complexes. Fucking pricks. So superior. Then its all be nice to the people helping you. Fuck you. I helped yall too. So be fucking nice to me. And drop the attitude. Stop the superiority. Step down off your pedestal. Narcissists. The dsm works both ways. All interpretation. 

I seriously wouldn't be in counseling if I was trying to be dangerous. I seriously could have hurt people a long time ago if I wanted that. Just because I'm 5'11, 200-250 pounds, and still somewhat athletic doesnt not make me dangerous. Just ask the small women. Like molly. Or Elle. Or leaves. They never got a scratch. I pushed a doctor once. 26 years ago. Not exactly a history of violence. But they fear me. Because of the labels, the way I talk. Because of the gun i bought when prichards went crazy with minipress. I hope he retired. He needs to.

This is too intense. But they tell me I can't just go around it or put it away. I have to work through it. I think my history proves that. I think my history also proves that it doesnt happen quickly or easily. But there has to be more. But if I can't get the anger down, I can't get more. They say some things are permanent. That there's no fix, no drug. No easy answer, just work. That i might have a relationship eventually. That i won't have a normal life. Career. More then one professional saying that. And I've had them disagree on different things, but some things they agree on. That I'm angry. For one.

 There are literally doctors and LPCs that won't let me quit. They say there are victims. These people are working around me. They don't tell me everything. I don't know what to do. I'm not law enforcement or a lawyer. They won't let me contact a lawyer. They talked to the FBI. So what do i do?