Darkness Until Dawn

    I'm trying to slow this down. This is like sleepwalking from one decision to the next. The sleep itself has improved, even though I haven't gotten my sleep equipment. The isolation has helped my blood pressure and anxiety. I had too many people in my mind, trying to mess with things they didn't understand or had no business fooling with in the first place. The internist really seemed to hit the nail on the head with the shot and recommendations. I swear, everything that inpatient manages to fuck up, the outpatient people help me clean up. Completely different meds and recommendations.      But my mental state has not been perfect. The meds have sedated away the restlessness. My focus and mental presence remain sketchy. I'm waiting on the insurance to approve the Vyvanse, but I doubt it will be a game changer. I need to make more measured decisions, more careful decisions. This has been a bit of a three-ring circus.      I've taken down the bus...

     I feel like times of crisis can severely challenge self-image. Me, before all this happened, I thought I was the same things my counselor thinks I am: funny, nerdy, smart, odd, creative, autistic. Now I'm not sure what I am. At the hospital they seemed to see a different person. And I was in a dissociative episode, so I'm told, so maybe I was acting like a different person. It's hard to see myself the same again. It was a very strange experience in which I was conscious, but in an altered state of mind in which my memory and my emotions worked differently. It was similar to that time I had the car accident, and I was in a state of shock. It was very much like that.      The weird thing is, now I'm not sure how to act. I don't feel the same. I'm in the same place. I'm doing some of the same things. But my state of mind is different. Even my writing seems different. I'm not sure what to do with that.

  Maybe zee legged one was right... maybe zee doctor always wins...

     I'm not sure where the intersection is between mainstream and DID therapy, but I'm thinking that part of it lies in cuing. If 3 does the guitar and I want to practice, then I block off an hour for 3. Switching is important, so I should make sure I'm scheduling some time for each. I get so overwhelmed with planning tasks. I freeze from the get-go. I sit and stare. Starts and stops. What's worse is when someone tries to take over. Then I move towards panic or fight flight.       In the hospital I just shut down. I could see people weren't listening, so I didn't engage. No point. I didn't have the energy or strength to fight them. I don't know what Gullet thought. We barely spoke. McClinton was frantic, but I was dissociative. Not totally there. I know she tried. There wasn't much they could do. Not in that environment. Quetiapine reduced the symptoms, but I had too many adverse effects. So now aripiprazole. And counseling to think through the rest...

      Ah, Social Security. I remember what they based my disability off of. They called it Psychosis NOS (Not Otherwise Specified). Now they occasionally try to call it Bipolar, but they disagree on the typing. They don't recognize the differences. But Dissociation is based on life events that cause your brain to disconnect from reality.       Sometimes when I get really angry, I disconnect. And it looks like Psychosis. Fortunately, I recognize the disconnect. I recognize the extreme ideas as such. I stop myself from acting on extreme ideas. It's like "shutting down". Some people find it funny. They like to laugh at my pain. It makes them feel big and powerful. Such people are pathetic and sadistic. Others can recognize that such things are inappropriate. They react with more compassion and intelligence. 

Dear me, We haven't been so together lately. Maybe we work on that? You know, we haven't really had fun in a while. When was the last time we really laughed? We've been so spacey. The meds seem better, but the ritalin seems to be doing both the intensity thing and the up and down thing. Though it helps us read and plan. Hopefully it will settle out. These ads better start placing soon or we're going to have to pick a bone with adsense. Bills to pay.  Maybe another exercise day would do us good! Us

     I've got to stop enabling people by allowing lies to spread. I need to shut down bullshit. I also need to keep my problems more to myself and to communicate better and manage them better. I can't expect people to read my mind. I can't expect them to fix my problems. Signs of Enabling Behavior and How To Stop Helping vs. Enabling: What’s the Difference?

  Volly, they're conspiring aimlessly... Now zee legged one is at it again! Fly me here! Fly me there! Volly, I can't do this alone!

 #5 stop engaging with people who never agree with you #2 stop going to psych hospitals #3 stop getting legalistic #4 stop trying to help people who don't want to be helped #1 they don't want to play #6 learn some new recipes #7 go back to the gym #8 don't repeat patterns

Dey bedder be lice to Spidey. Spidey werked berry hard on dis.

     My family and the hospital are not being realistic about the nature and severity of my mental illness, and that is a huge concern. They believe I am more functional than I actually am and that the difference can be attributed to THC, which is false. This worries me because if I need help, they will treat the wrong problem with the wrong solutions and I won't get the help I need, and I feel that I'm likely to need help, given the debilitating nature of DID. Mental Health has many myths, this is one I was not aware of.      It makes me very nervous around family and hospital staff, because I don't know what to expect. Sometimes it takes me a while to recover from an encounter. The stress exhausts me and sometimes makes me physically sick. 

 To me, the weirdest part is the strange headaches I get. It feels like different parts of my skull want to come off. Last night I only got four hours of sleep. I cant get myself to sleep enough. I worry about the future. Especially when it seems like the hospital does not have my best interest at heart.  Conversation is hard. I don't feel like I can be myself with people. after every conversation, I feel like I think of five different ways I could have said something else. At times I feel betrayed. Like the hospital was never working for me. And they seem more interested in burying it, then understanding what the real problem is. 

     I'm finally breaking my combinations. Cleaned out my professionals, isolated myself from social influences, de-numbified and de-drugged, took control of my healthcare, took control of my life, de-perfectionated... re-educated myself and took some guilt and anger off my plate. It was definitely a mistake to go gonzo with hospital insurance as a minor and drug it up. I needed to deal with my problems, controlling and toxic personalities that were in my life. People that wouldn't take no for an answer and were never satisfied. Been kicked around too long.      Some people were desperate for me to have bipolar. Because it avoids all responsibility. It puts the blame on the genetics and the drugs. Not on the relationships and the miseducation where it belongs. DID truly is a social problem. It's all about façades and lies and bad combinations. It's about a lack of communication. And it leads to things like not being able to maintain employment, unstable rel...

     Vengeance is not strength. Forgiveness is strength. I need to forgive. I can't forget, though. I have to remember in order to make sure I don't repeat the past. 

I believe that what she wanted was to remove me from this place. Plant me somewhere new as someone new. But I have work to do. Some clean up. And no resources to move. Until they tell me the evidence is not there, that there are no other victims, and with no resources to make a change, both my morals and materials dictate that I stay here. I barely know what I would do somewhere else on my own. This is all I have known.

     Angry gets a little distracted. He has identity issues. Sometimes he thinks he's Irritable. Other times he's annoyed. Now and then he switches it up, goes for amused or afraid. He is good at Sarcastic. Now and then he randomly falls in love.

      Where was I?  Ah, yes, Angry. See, I don't actually know who reads this stuff.     Anyways, I'm down to an irritable and slightly restless. somewhere around a 5. Maybe just like I don't need to sue half the east coast, I don't need to have everyone arrested. It just frustrates me when people engage in willful ignorance and unhealthy behavior. I had a really bad day when we had low air quality and my allergies kicked into high gear. But pain is inherently subjective.     I need to save my words for when they are useful. The team has worked hard, and I have to respect that. So, I won't be able to be at family events. These events tend to make me upset and there's dysfunctional behavior going on. And it's not my business what people do on their personal time unless they make it my business. Like the tech at the wellness pavilion mouthing off. If someone's on the clock I don't need their 411. We all have work to do. I gotta focus on mine: reduci...

Spidey on di wrong leg aggen. Just a liddle. Nest eerly.

Ennywaze, I hope you've enjoyed my crazy. I have to slow down, have better boundaries and take care of myself now. I need to control my anger. Maybe sue a psychiatrist, free of undue influence. Find my own peace. A black widow. That kinda thing. Get rid of these Munchhausen like, bipolarized psychociations. I'm going to keep working on improving my recall, socializing, and try to write some fiction. Just exercise caution around Italians and also around woodruff road. Thanks

"Collective memory is inherently selective (Rajaram and Pereira-Pasarin, 2010; Hirst and Echterhoff, 2012). When people recall the past some details are retrieved while other fail to enter into conversation. The consequence of those items not retrieved has become of increasing interest in understanding how distinct memories become increasingly similar across individuals."      So, if person A remembers his childhood one way but is too close to B, C and D, He may have trouble remembering his childhood because the group creates a myth of what his life was like, when it really was nothing like that. They may have a narrative for who he is and what he does, even down to dictating where he lives, who his health care providers are, what his DX is, what his meds are, What his treatment plan is, he'll have no privacy and no respect and no life, but it'll look medically perfect until the strain breaks the system. Which may be why so many medical professionals believe ...