Darkness Until Dawn

Dear Readers,     I truly lack the ability to fully grasp the how's and why's of the past 28 years. But as the days go by and I see the effects of it all, it leads me to doubt the future. I feel the need, for my own wellbeing and safety, to step back more. I'm not honestly sure at this point where my confidence came from. Was it youth? Was it the medications? I don't feel that confidence anymore. I don't feel as durable.       I've expressed parts of me that I had kept more hidden, here for the world to see. Honestly, I was worried I was running out of time. I was worried that something might happen. Instead, it's been more of a slow sinking feeling. Seeing the contrast between the world as I see it, my internal world, and the world out there has been jarring. I'm tired of arguing with doctors. As much as I'd like to be right about myself, I'm tired of arguing. I'd hate to be like the NYC shooter guy and be like, study my brain after I die an...

    I wanted to review again the progression of my mental health from the 1990s to 2025. It's pretty clear to me now that the truth is that Bipolar is not real for me. Misdiagnosis and medical goobledy-gook dressed up to cover up poorly misunderstood Autism that was in fact diagnosed (As Aspergers) in the 1990s and then continuously overlooked and misinterpreted. I think the interpretation that I am paranoid or my self-diagnosis of FDIA is rather a symptom of all the misinterpretation that has happened. This is why I insist on Autism being the primary diagnosis: It is the one diagnosis that unambiguously has shown up for decades and consistently caused me problems. It is the clearest description of my symptoms, and in combination with some ADHD, can clearly explain my struggle.      What really tipped the scales for me was finding out that the same medications often prescribed for Bipolar mania also treat Autism spectrum symptoms. They were treating the symptoms...

    I feel that when I was growing up, fake it till you make it seemed like a winning strategy. It seemed accepted. These days, some of the cracks in that philosophy seem more obvious. I feel like I hear more people talking about the importance of being genuine.      Fake it till you make it is most associated with a salesman known as Glenn W. Turner and is different from the psychological concept known as "acting as if" in that acting as if means to emulate qualities that you don't actually have such as confidence, but fake it till you make it is a philosophy that encourages dishonesty in social interactions in order to project a certain lifestyle or talent that isn't actually there. Presenting yourself as a great investor while hiding losses would be an example of fake it until you make it. Presenting yourself as confident while being honest about your performance would be acting as if.      Fake it till you make it goes hand in hand with Ableis...

    The question I come to in mental health these days is: what is realistic? Is it realistic to push the doctors and the medications so hard that my doctors quit and the meds cause ER visits? Is that realistic? I said this because I can't be the only frustrated one. I think that I've pushed the limits of psychiatry pretty well, from the feedback I've gotten.      So what is realistic? What is realistic with autism-adhd plus whatever you want to call whatever the rest of it might be? I'm trying to find out. Realistically, my job is to do what I am able, no less and no more, just like anyone else I suppose.       I feel I've attracted so much controversy that it blows my mind how much controversy there is. I almost want to get retested just so they can verify that yes, facts are facts. Autism is real. ADHD is real. The rest of it is... whatever the rest of it is. I'm not going to argue.       I'm just so tired of people bei...

Dear Psychiatry,     The 90s are over. It's time to move into the 21st century. To that end, I would like to summarize and reiterate a few key points. Autism is very real and affects about 2.8% of the population, including me. ADHD is very real, and affects about 11.8% of kids and 4.4% of adults, including me. HIPPA is very real and is important for keeping medical records valid and useful. Without reliable medical records, we cannot take good care of the population. It's important that patients are able to have trust in their providers.      I am guilty of relying strongly on medication. This is not the same thing as drug addiction. I have at times expected too much of medication. Medication can be very dangerous. I hope to take mine safely and privately.      I do not know what the future holds, but I need it to look different from the past. It is not my responsibility to educate the world on how medication can be safely used or misused. It is n...

     I feel like times of crisis can severely challenge self-image. Me, before all this happened, I thought I was the same things my counselor thinks I am: funny, nerdy, smart, odd, creative, autistic. Now I'm not sure what I am. At the hospital they seemed to see a different person. And I was in a dissociative episode, so I'm told, so maybe I was acting like a different person. It's hard to see myself the same again. It was a very strange experience in which I was conscious, but in an altered state of mind in which my memory and my emotions worked differently. It was similar to that time I had the car accident, and I was in a state of shock. It was very much like that.      The weird thing is, now I'm not sure how to act. I don't feel the same. I'm in the same place. I'm doing some of the same things. But my state of mind is different. Even my writing seems different. I'm not sure what to do with that.

     While I will never regret trying ketamine, these medications have certain side effects that can be quite scary. The biggest one that I've encountered is the one that landed in the hospital: sudden changes in heart rate and blood pressure. That will freak you right the hell out. I don't know if these medications can cause heart attacks or strokes, but you feel your heart going like a percussion set on steroids, you feel the surge of the pressure, you're going to be calling 911 like I did. If you have any sense, that is.       When I left the spravato center, they didn't check the vitals. I remember feeling off. I remember refusing to answer questions. And then I ended up in the hospital. These things can be dangerous. But at the same time, they have helped me so much. That's why I advocate for really well controlled access in controlled conditions to these medications. So that people can get relief in safe ways. I should have stayed at the center l...

      I do hope that life is meant to be beautiful. For me, though it may not be apparent, it has been a struggle and at times very dark. I want it to be beautiful. I want it to have happiness. I want it to be gentle and kind. I do not want strife. So, I am working on smoothing some of my rougher edges and increasing my tolerance. I am doing this so that life can seem more beautiful, and less like a war. I do get angry when people assume they know me or what it is like to be me, as if it is easy, as if I don't know what it is like to stare into the face of an abyss. I do know. I don't wish to agonize over the depravity, hate and struggle in this world anymore then I have to. I hate arguing. I just want to be. 

     I'd like to thank all the little rodents. They're quite tasty with a bottle of A-. I'd also like to thank the nurses and the doctors, while reminding everyone that we're all human (or vampiric bat, or Spider, or, well, you know...) and we all have our strengths and weaknesses, good times and bad.       I'm taking some time to review the site, after a bit of a cooling off period, some better sleep, and improved sinuses. I'm trying to get it in shape for showing ads. I need to focus, so I've improved my boundaries around online harassment, scammers, and beggars, because God knows I'm not a rich person and I have my own problems. My property is now protected by Vivint Security, to further discourage disruptive behavior. I do not have the finances, the will, the desire, or the time to put up with BS. 

      Once upon a time, a sickly young boy was walking a field in the village of Green Vale and came upon a medicine man. The medicine man was busy tending a tree by the River of Reeds. The tree was storied and old and stood taller than the others. As the boy approached, the man paused his pruning and greeted this stranger.     "Hello, young man, what troubles you?"      The boy explained that he was of the Furlat tribe and was said to be diseased of the mind. He acted different, he did not fit in. Did the medicine man know of anyone that could help?      The man gave him a kindly smile, picked a leaf from the tree. "Eat this leaf of knowledge. It makes your mind strong again."     The boy took the leaf and ate it and felt better.       "Now eat this acorn of medicine, it makes your body healthy."      Over time, the medicine man taught him everything he knew about the knowledge tree. The...

  Emotional Numbing

     Trust issues and paranoia are both forms of mistrust, but they differ in their origins and impact. Trust issues are often rooted in past experiences where trust was broken, leading to habitual behaviors of distrust. They can manifest in various relationships and may involve behaviors like constant checking or suspicion. Paranoia, on the other hand, is characterized by irrational suspicion and intense fear of betrayal, often without a clear origin story. It can feel heavier and more detached from reality, making it difficult to interpret neutral or uncertain situations as genuine threats. Understanding the difference between these two can help individuals seek the appropriate support or therapy.

  'Trust Issues': Signs, Causes, and How to Overcome Distrust

The more I review the past the more I question what I know. I think it's important to be realistic in life. Autism isn't a death sentence, but does come with definite and rather permanent differences... Differences in communication, perception, and comprehension. I need to focus more. Accounting will never be what I wanted it to be. I don't have the mental integration and the capacity. I can't keep chasing shadows. I'm still good at writing. I can give the world my words. Because I believe the standardized testing results, even if others wish to deny those results. Someone with impaired recall, adhd, autism, and psychological problems is not destined to have a great deal of success in business. If I truly could choose to not have problems, then the world would indeed be simpler. But from what Im being told, that's not in the cards. I realize there is still some disagreement amongst the professionals, but only on the finer details. Some people, they just don'...

    I've been thinking a lot. Again, when the hospital mentions jail and restraining orders, it seems like a good time to think. Life hasn't exactly gone smoothly, and it's a bit of a mindfuck at times.      The funny thing is, in college I was so boring. Barely ever had alcohol, my social circle was a church group. I wasn't the greatest student; I spent a lot of time working on my computer. Eventually I built a custom liquid cooled rig, after graduate school. I don't understand people so well. I was not captain of the cross-country team for very long in high school, it all started coming apart in junior year. I used to write fiction to cope, but I didn't share much of it. I wasn't very confident in my work. I blended into "the background" so often. It seemed like I was living that song every day almost. Seems like so many missed opportunities. I did not find my place. When you spend so much time alone, maybe it looks paranoid.       Counseli...

We decided to try vyvanse again. I'm waiting for the pharmacy to get it in stock. That and increased mirtazapine for sleep, and a new machine for cpap therapy, which is on order. I'm hoping the vyvanse will help with the restless. 

    I've been giving my professionals feedback on how to help me. The biggest feedback is to simply hear my feedback. What all is right and wrong upstairs may be a matter of debate, but I'm not a child anymore. I for one am glad I got off Clozaril. It's been rough, but I know it was right for me.      Today I have the Sleep doc and the head doc as I continue my "health care journey". Sleep's been around 6 hours and I'm trying to fine tune my focus.       I think independence of thought is important, and that's hard to do within the system. Sometimes there's too many wheels bumping up against each other to keep them all moving in the same direction. That's why I like independent contracting and small teams. So long as each team keeps within the general ruleset, small teams can wiggle a little and still stay in line.      I can't jump on too many bandwagons. I'm getting myself down to a system that works for me. I feel like I exp...

Remember, Sarah, find Jess, don't come back with hospital supplies.

I hate Scammers. They're always coming up with new ideas. Tonight I got contacted by one, said they were going to pay me to use my photo for some art. Then they sent me a check, started ordering to send money here and there or they would report me to FBI. eventually I had to call police. They said to block all the numbers. So I did. Bank must be wondering wtf. Now I have to contact mauldin police if I get contacted again. I wish these people would find something else to do. I'm trying to get work. I don't need this stress.

Hard words delivered fast in a fury of certainty Melt back to the corners of my consciousness slowly When the fool marches forth with his lecturing and monotony I pause lest I respond too fast. My silence they mistake for weakness or impropriety, But it is only a measured response to their haste For there is no sense in speaking often and loudly To a man whose ears are wide yet shut. Words without impact carry no value I save mine for when the time is right And if that time never comes for us I let retreating footsteps say what remains. 

  Wake up Greenville County! This is your FABORITE brown recluse! SPIDEY!!!!

     I think it's time to review what I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for food, for having people that help me, for shelter, for medicine, for my health, for freedom, for my car that allows me to travel, for my talents, for my friends, for my cat, for my nieces and nephews, for nature, for time to heal, for the strength and patience that allows me to try again and to forgive.

Each day is another chance, another opportunity to show the world that I can. I can be more then the past. I can be more then what people say about me. Today is a day to give my best. For me, that means being selective about what I choose to be involved in. Careful choices. Deliberate choices. One choice at a time. 

     I find that THC use for Psychiatric purposes is not worth it. There's too much stigma for it to ever be worth it. I find that in limited amounts, THC or CBD is not much different from Benzodiazepines with a little mood boost on top. It also seems to increase the flexibility of thought, and in that I believe it has healing properties. People with mental illnesses like depression or PTSD tend to have less neural growth in the brain, especially in the Hippocampus, the area primarily responsible for emotions and memory. THC/CBD promotes the growth of nuerons and reduces inflammation, but God forbid you test positive for employment or even worse, show up in an ER with THC traces in your blood. It's one long 411 from everyone you know on the evils of THC. Funny how Spravato/Ketamine doesn't seem to do that. It's a psychedelic too. Spravato itself seemed to be more limited in its therapeutic benefit. It seemed... milder.       Trying Ketamine was one of ...

I remain at home in contemplation, having applied to several jobs and done all my medical and self care. I feel like some meditative reflection is beneficial. I regret taking needing time away, but I still feel the need to slow this down. I reached God in McClean, I can reach him here too. Just me and him. And the cat. I feel like too many influences is just as bad as idle hands... its the devil's workshop.

      Change can come slowly, or in a rush. Sometimes, it's exciting. Other times, it is quite frightening. Yet, inevitably, it comes. The winds of change can lift you up or they can buffet you like a storm. I look for the signs along the way like anyone else. I do feel somewhat weary from the repeated rises and falls in life. The road can get lonely and sometimes every path seems to be blocked with some obstacle or another. Sometimes there are special interests keeping you out. 

      I think there's a point that you reach between enough medical and too much medical. Sometimes that point isn't all together clear. I have to evaluate on a decision-by-decision basis, just like anyone else. I've reached that point a few times. I reached it with Prichards and Clozapine. I reached it with CCBH and Clozapine. I reached it with the Hospital/Center run around. I reached it when talk of jail and restraining orders came up. I reached it. I'm happy to continue counseling and the medication I do have. I'm happy to take a step back. I'm happy to give the hospitals a break. I hope that anyone who reads this can understand the reasons why.

Watchful eyes make darkened skies all the brighter still In the stars we find our guides and follow them until The sun comes up and we come to see the light falling once again So parts the pain and heals the insane until it fully ends. A gentle hand helps the broken mend and stills the aching heart A steady guide brings hope and pride to its shattered parts And looking up the clear skies come to rescue us until We're strong again and stand as one to climb another hill.

     I'm building trust and learning about choosing words. Which words for the right times. What strength looks like. What money can and can't do. I would have been a priest, I'm too curious about the world. Maybe that is my undoing. There have been times when I should have spoken up but didn't. There were times I simply wasn't heard. I'm trying to choose companions wisely and communicate clearly. I have to take the world seriously, because it is a serious place. Serious things can happen.      I was always quiet. I'm trying to get louder. Looking for a job. Cutting expenses. Working on fiction and art but coming up with mostly poetry and AI art. 

      I am not sorry for following the orders of Prichards on THC. That was not my mistake to make. That was the doctor's. I am not sorry for following Artstick's orders on Spravato, that was her mistake to make. I am sorry for not communicating better. I am sorry for spending beyond my means. Those two things I can be sorry for. Those two things alone.      I am not sorry for the small-minded ignorance and hatred of the inpatient population. I am not sorry that my family and some people cannot understand autism spectrum or trauma. I am not sorry for these things.      I am sorry for contacting the nurse. I am not sorry for cutting off people who were being unhelpful.      I regret the misunderstanding and chaos that has followed me from this hospital to that center to the other hospital. I regret that some people have the inability to recognize a good person for they are missing out. I regret the loose mouths and the hateful i...

     Loyalty means sticking it out when times are tough. Loyalty means having the courage to point out other people's mistakes or misjudgments in tactful ways to help them do better, not blindly aiding them to commit errors. Loyalty is not blind obedience. Loyalty means being loyal to what a person stands for, not necessarily what they do. Standing by them while calling them out is more loyal than helping a person to make mistakes.            Being firm about boundaries is actually a service to another person, even if they cannot see that. When they realize they were wrong, they will be grateful if they are worth keeping. If they never realize they were wrong, or don't have the ability to forgive a misunderstanding, then they were never worth keeping.      A wise man makes decisions based on facts, not a lack of information. Thus, a wise man sometimes must consider that he doesn't know all the facts, and therefore a wise m...

     I think Restraint and Humility go hand in hand. I think strength without good judgement is worthless. Restraint means being able to do something but choosing not to do it. It is easy to hurt someone. It takes restraint and humility to hold back the words or the hand that does the actual harm. It takes humility to recognize that harm is not wise. Maybe only a fool would have walked back into that emergency room. A small man might have said something ugly to Dr. Darcy when he had the chance. Or even been violent. I feel like I exercised restraint and humility. It takes a bigger person to turn away from the past. It takes a bigger person to forgive. I did not feel like that first ER visit was handled well. I called that ambulance for a reason. The Spravato did not check my vitals before releasing me. My heart rate surged. Cold and clammy. I justifiably thought I might be dying. Weak and faint. I called for a reason. It was just nice to see a different response this time...

Today, I'm focusing on cleaning and exercise, writing, and some light accounting research. I need to stay focused.  I like doctors and nurses because they are educated and they focus on helping people. I think aripiprizole helps maintain calm. I think Bipolar is at best an oversimplification and clozapine is out of date. I think if a man is disabled, that necessitates a change to relationship dynamics. How can the man be disabled and still be the breadwinner? It makes no sense. Not in today's world where couples struggle to survive on one full income. Rigid rules of gender Conformity make less and less sense in a modern society and yet some people still cling to them like whites clung to slavery long after it stopped having even the veneer of sense to it. Modern society requires flexibility. It requires seeing beyond stereotypes. In an age of AI, it makes zero sense to me to cling to stereotypes promoted by out of date concepts. You can still have faith and God but at the same ...

My first impressionist painting is sunlight peeking through wisps of dark clouds. 

 

  A washing we shall go, a washing we shall go, high ho the dario a washing we shall go!

I just feel like it's reasonable to take a step back, try to find some serenity after treating my body like a human science experiment for so many years... going from this patented drug to that one, this machine to the other to the implant. I feel like its reasonable to step back. Give the doctors a break. Let them focus on someone they can fix. That's what I want to do. I've been pushing them hard, and for what? I'm not even that important. These drugs have problems, like clozastill. 

      Thing is, as much as I didn't like Dr. Darcy the first time, the second time she was kinda nice, and I didn't want to rock the boat on that. 

      Maybe I thought my emotions would make my situation obvious. But I suppose maybe that's expecting too much. People are blind to what they do not want to see. I need to be quiet for a while.

      So many points in my life where it seems like I'm in a conversation with someone in which we are talking at each other and not TO each other. I almost get used to it. With my counselor, I can be myself and speak the truth and she gets it, and that's a beautiful thing. At MIP, it was the complete opposite. It seemed like a twisted game of choose the wrong words. Say what you don't mean, so that it can flow more easily. Like every conversation was multiple choice, but some whack job was picking the answers. If I hadn't been so out of it, maybe I would have picked my own. Hospitals can be dangerous places, for sure. 

Flat affect is an almost lack of emotional response. No emotional reaction, positive or negative. Like being stunned. That was me in the ER. Blunted Affect means a reduced range of emotional response. So, less extreme than a flat affect.  Shock means very intense emotions. Full range of emotion is a normal emotional style. I feel like I don't experience this much. 

    The head doctor in the ER was one of those quiet, contemplative ones. Seemed like a smart man. Sometimes I confused which ER doctor was the resident and which was the attending doctor, but the head doctor was easy to differentiate. I guess I feel like I need to understand. To wrap my head around all of this medical. I read most of the notes and records, not to look for errors or even for explanations but just to understand the way they think. He called it flat affect... a lack of emotional expression. I'd say that I was afraid and feeling somewhat dissociated standing in that ER again. I didn't know what they were going to do. I just knew that my head wasn't right without the pristiq. I needed that medicine. And I got it. Thank God. I don't say much in person. It just seems like there's so many things I could say. So many things left completely unsaid. Like with Dr. Darcy. It was somewhat surreal. "I remember you" "Yeah, I took care of you".....

    I feel like the only answer to this insanity is stepping back. Just like I told one inpatient. I swear the worksheets showed zero understanding of the problem. And where was the listening? Where was the empathy? I been chasing meds as if they are the answer. Some of them I need, yes. memorial seemed like family. I have to be grateful for the medicine, because it helps with some things. But the indoctrination seems soulless. And they wonder why I act paranoid. You think this is going well? Not actually.      I feel like I have to write about it. Because no one is listening. They say they are and then they turn their ears off. And then they wonder why I need counseling. No, we're the almighty doctors who know everything. Forgive me for being jaded. But there's a lack of humility in medicine. There most definitely is. A belief that medicine can do more than it actually can. Maybe I am just the disabled guy. Maybe I am the guy on the sidelines criticizing the ma...

     There is one person who defends me more than anyone else. She sees that I can be very kind, smart, funny, considerate, patient, persistent, and strong. I don't understand this world. It runs over people. Chews them up and spits them out. It's very strange to me to threaten someone who showing up at a hospital for help. Very strange. Maybe I have a simple mind. I don't understand the system; I don't understand the doctors. Maybe I should have been a farmer. Technology truly is fascinating, but so inhuman.      Then there's the run of the mill insults that we throw at each other on a daily basis. Too slow, too fat, too messy, too short... why do we have to make the world awful? Am I just now waking up to reality? Hospitals are strange places. You take a bunch of people who are not doing well, and you put them together, what exactly do you expect to happen? We'll all just kumbaya right there in the ward? We'll drug it up and play cards and sit in classes ...

     I'm trying to step back and find some peace and centeredness. Which is what I was looking for at CCBH. It seemed to make them angry that I wanted peace. I'm not sure why. Maybe they thought it was a metaphor for suicide. I just don't want to fight people anymore. I don't see the point of so much conflict and lies and bullshit around mental health. I don't. It makes no sense. But I'm finding my peace in my own space, on my own time. It's just lonely. And I need money. So, I must sharpen my resolve and my focus. Standing alone is difficult. Something seems off about my perception. How am I this tired?

  🫂 🫂  Smally 🫂 🫂 

I remember the last thing I thought that night. I wanted her to know how I felt. I wanted to see my emotion on her face.  That emotion was an intense fear, with some sorrow and anger. I wanted her to understand. I wanted her to be afraid too. I wasn't sure how to make her understand. In the end I decided I didn't want her to see.

cleanup on ward 2! Ashes is back!

Your eyes looking back at me tell me everything you see Your eyes tell me where I've been and the person I can't be Your eyes tell me so much more then I could ever say Your eyes come to me in dreams and then they run away. My hopes float upon the wind like a gentle feather They rise with every victory and sink with stormy weather They fly so high when I am free of all my doubts and cares They come to me to lift my goals with challenges and dares My wisdom finds the meeting 'tween my goals and all my acts My passions rising in the storm forever wane and wax Until I find my soul's true counter forever will I roam And if I never find her, I will find my way alone. 

I need to work on my drawing skills so that I can create consistent images of Sarah, Jess, and the others. Otherwise the AI makes them look different every time. And im wasting my life trying to be something I am not. I am a writer. Accounting is not very realistic. My health is too unstable. Accountec has done nothing but lose money. I've got to publish more writing. 

I know there are people in this world who do not want to believe in autism or to deal with it, but I have no choice. I have to face the truth that memorial medical and people in my life don't want to face: that I have autism, not bipolar, I have a trauma disorder resulting from years of medical mismanagement and misdiagnosis. I have been medicated out the wazzoo, and become a running joke because my body is like a science experiment.  And they'll believe anything but the truth, so help them God. So I take a few steps back. And I keep a safe distance from the bipolarizers and the doctors without boundaries. The God complexes. And I try to reduce expenses and adjust to my reality. The reality that the medication has caused me harm. A great deal of it.

is to give the world my words and be at peace with those in it. The doctors have tried. I do need to step back. I need to do the slow and steady. I need to take care of myself and my home and stop ending up in hospitals. It's not helping. 

      I think my biggest mistakes were not taking autism spectrum seriously, trusting Assmussen when I shouldn't have, believing that medication could do more then it actually does, going to McClean, and spending too much time in hospitals. In the aftermath of Prichards' abrupt resignation, I wish I would have been firmer and stronger. I wish I would have communicated better.       I regret allowing Leaves and Molly to shoulder blame. It was not their fault. It was a medication clusterfuck with some God complexes in charge. It got rather ugly. So I've withdrawn a little bit. Until I'm strong enough to face the remaining problems. I can't play musical centers/hospitals. Especially when they don't have a fucking clue and they are just pointing fingers. I'm too tired for the bullshit.       Given the carousel of medications that I've been on, the misdiagnoses, and all the stress and miscommunication, I have no doubt that it's true that...

YOU GUYZ! SPIDEY SAID NO DWINK BWEAK TILL YOU CLEAN UP DIS POND!

The positive parts of my life have mostly been with people in the real world. I think many of my concerns around medicine revolve around this idea of all the things medicine can do and the power of medicine. I feel that sometimes this conveys a lack of respect for the possible harm. When you have a system pumping humans through, maybe it's moving too fast? Maybe humans don't need so much fast paced microanalysis? I feel that I have more success in respecting people as they are then in trying to fix them. Maybe thats where the learning comes... in respecting differences rather then trying to hammer each one out. Cooperation is not a one way street. Finding one's way in a complex society requires two way communication, I think.

I'm finding some peace and centeredness in isolation. Perhaps it's coming time to stick my head out into the real world.

    Kenzie works in IMU. She didn't say much. She just laughed and laughed. I think laughter is great medicine. 

      I don't understand the world so well. I'm trying to encourage others. Here I am, going from hospital to hospital, Center to center, looking for some sort of insight in order to live some sort of life I've never had and at my age it does not make sense. I don't even like money that much. I see all this greed and the fast pace, and it makes no sense to me. I thought I wanted a faster life, but I don't see it. I don't see it realistically happening. If I'm getting threatened with insurance fraud and jail just for showing up for help, then something is wrong. Somewhere I'm missing the boat, all labels aside. I'm looking towards eastern medicine and trying to go maybe 1/3 the pace of the next person because it's better to go 1/3 as fast and take fewer detours then to go just as fast and go everywhere but where I need to go. At least going 1/3 as fast, I might eventually get somewhere.       So, I'm redoubling my effort to cut every expense t...

      So, my truth, that MIP and a lot of people have trouble understanding, is that I'm not actually a drug addict, I've been overmedicalized, I have autism, I don't believe that Bipolar is accurate, but it shows up from time to time, I've developed special nutritional requirements as evidenced by my GI problems, I get angry sometimes but I'm not stupid, I communicate better in writing, and I actually like people. I'm not rich, I'm poor. I'm disabled. I sometimes lose touch with reality.       I'm going to try to give the world my best, which is my written words.  I'm going to try to make them really great words. I want my story to be... not a tragedy. The way it's been going, it's been writing like one for so long. I need to have patience and focus. I've lost interest in climbing ladders. I'm struggling to find the energy to care. I don't understand people that well. I think humility is important. I'm trying to find peac...

     I believe I've collected enough labels, enough aborted careers, enough hospitals and centers. I need stability. That's what I need. I need space and independence. I need to slow down and decrease the sensory input. I need centering. I do not need to speed up. Most definitely not. I do not need to keep jamming square pegs through round holes. I'm entirely too complicated. I need to simplify. The solution is not to go back to MIP or Springbrook or CCBH or find an entirely new place to fail at. The solution is to be grateful for the time and effort put in by so many. I am grateful for what MIP has done I am grateful for the time and effort put in by so many health care workers to help me move forward. I find bipolar to be unhelpful diagnosis. Regardless, I take the medication for the symptoms I do have.

      I need to focus on what's right with me, not all of the things people perceive to be wrong, otherwise it's a never-ending litany of accusations and counteraccusations. So, for now, people get my words, until I understand better how to give them what they want. I'm so sick of the carousel of blame.      It's time to breathe, separate, wish well, and find my own way. Otherwise, I might as well write myself an invitation to prison and reserve a cell. Maybe one next to that guy that sent the documents. We can have a good old chat.     Sometimes people are just bad in combination. Sometimes they need time away. I'll stay squeaky clean, so that no one finds excuses to interfere in my life. 

     It's frustrating for me that Congress decided to cut Medicaid. MIP is a Medicaid facility. I've seen these hospitals. They need the money. They need it. I think if we don't do it for the patients we should do it for the hospitals that need the money. I may not be the one people want to listen to on this but I've seen the problem extensively. Me, myself, I need to stay out. I've been in them too much. But there are people that depend on quality healthcare. I think they should get it. I think I should stay to myself until I manage to be productive without people threatening with jail and stuff and creating bullshit rumors about drug addiction and my counselor that I should have shut down a very long time ago.      Some young people, they don't have the sense to understand what years of problems can do to a person because they aren't old enough and haven't been through enough. But I know. Cuz I've been to hospital after hospital, and I've gotte...