Darkness Until Dawn

This is year 3 without clozaril. I don't regret it. I feel more connected to myself. More genuine. This is who I really am deep down. This is me. I just don't have the energy.

Pools of blue and straw haired blonde Lighting up my soul and beyond Stars so bright shine in her eyes And yet my heart her words deny Drawing me inexorably towards A kiss, a caress the highest reward And when our eyes come forth to meet Sparks will fly and hearts will beat Truth it only runs from lies At the sight my soul, it sighs With the grace of an angel's flight She returns my gaze with infinite sight.

The thing is, they did keep me safe. And I know they've put the blood, sweat and tears in. I just wanted it to be nicer. So I try again.  I pursue the jobs. I do the writing and drawing. The world seems so very different. I'm trying to make sure I go in the right direction.  So I can show them. 

 

     Spidey go easy on di health care werkers. Ebbyday. Gonna get webby. Make a whole new batch ob cobwebs while Jess looks for werk and Ashes files taxes. Make a pretty one for Krystal. Got some canvas arribing today.       I'm really pushing on this. I've been to a lot of hospitals. MIP has the poem, Springbrook never got theirs but it's on the poems page. What should I draw for krystal? I'm going impressionist, I think. Yes. I'm going to try to paint an impression of her. Remember, I'm new at this painting Spidey a liddle slow on di uptake. Gonna do sumting real special. Spidey learn. Molly determined. Spidey give back.

     I do like being delusional sometimes. It helps me to forgive. If I don't like something, well maybe it didn't really happen. Maybe xyz wasn't said or done. Even if im certain it was, maybe I can be delusional about it. Thats what I like about being delusional.  Sometimes its better when things didn't really happen.

Everyone deserves to feel safe in their home and at thier job. I don't wish harm to anyone in Greenville County. I've had some concerns about diagnoses and medications. But health care workers need to be safe and well treated. They need breaks and vacations. It helps them to remember why they do what they do. To remember who they are. To keep them fresh so they can take good care of the people. 

      Now it makes more sense. See, it doesn't matter what happened on Woodruff Road or under Church Street, because they didn't understand Autism or trauma as well back then and one is retired and the other has already been spoken to.      And looking back, I know I needed to understand first Prichards and Leaves, then I went to Springbrook to understand the drugs and the labels a little better, and then I had to go back to MIP to understand what role Arson and MIP played in all this. And it really was a misunderstanding of Autism and trauma that became known as Bipolar for me. Again, I think Clarity is right, that the CAPD and ADHD are mild. So then that means that I can focus on now, I think. The work, the writing, the finding someone. Though I feel like health care professionals understand this stuff better and I'd like to find someone who understands it.      Definitely black box warning on ritalin. 

  Thinking of Krystal makes me flappy.

      Krystal works at MIP as a mental health Technician. Her real name starts with a K or a C, I can't remember. She has those blue eyes and the blonde hair. She's quiet, contemplative around me. She strikes me as intelligent and kind. I wish I could know her. But maybe that's why I shouldn't go back. I need to focus. She was so beautiful. I didn't ask her much. Maybe this doesn't help my reputation but I'm human.

     I need to put this in a book. I keep getting distracted. Frustration can come fast and hard in the form of betrayal, or slow and steady in the form of burnout.      Betrayal can look like someone you trusted misdiagnosing you and trying to sabotage your counselor. It also look like someone you were in charge of the care of doing something like reporting you to an agency or threatening people or misusing information that they were trusted with.      Burnout is more of that slow and steady, day after day, why do I have to deal with these people still after all this time, the same problems, the same old BS. Pushing too hard, doing too much, getting in trouble and getting overwhelmed.      Maybe the hospital was right to stop the ritalin. Black Box. 

      I got some good news today. The tax service I applied to wants to interview me. I need to balance. I reopened my accounting website, applied to jobs, and I'm trying to work on my writing and this advocacy so that's a lot. I need to focus on managing my medication correctly, counseling, and these work things plus mailing in my taxes and my insurance renewal.       I need to go easy on the healthcare workers. I was angry about the Bipolar BS and my former Psychiatrist. But it's time to put that away for good. I have AS, mild ADHD/CAPD, and cPTSD/DID. I need to stop visiting Psych Hospitals. I need to focus. I can't afford to fool around. We can get past a misdiagnosis if we don't repeat past mistakes.

     I like Dr. Small. She works with Arson. If I have to go back, put me with Small. She listens. I did work at crisisline. I was one of you. It's hard to care. I've been so focused on understanding all this history and labels and meds. There's still hope. let me be what I can be.

     Ritalin is one of the many stimulants I've been prescribed. It can increase focus tremendously. Side effects include loss of appetite (and loss of weight), nausea, anger, and apparently suicidal fantasies. It was after having some frustration with brain fog/dissociation that i took one, flew into a flight of anger and started picturing buying a gun, going to MIP, and putting a bullet in my head in front of north wing. Blackbox warning.

      I feel I have to keep this blog going. I feel like I've been wearing on my families and on my counselor by not giving everyone the same story at the same time. And I want everyone to feel safe and to not push too hard. I need to stay focused. We didn't know as much about Autism or DID in the 90s. Nevermind the ADHD or the CAPD. Those are minor. I need to focus on managing the biggest problems. I need to focus on not scaring people or being inconsistent, though that may be a challenge.      I hope there is still hope for me to find someone. That's why I need to focus on this. That's why I need to be transparent and deliberate. Because otherwise we're looking at prison or lawsuits or abrupt endings. Or a combination.      Anyways. I need to stay focused. I love to listen to the birds in the mornings. I need to work on myself some more. I need to not be impulsive or spend or use excessive medication. I need to avoid blaming or avoiding res...

      I can't play games with this. I have DID. Not Bipolar. It's as serious as cancer. Hopefully not as deadly. I need to be very careful not to push too hard, be dishonest, or misuse prescription medication. I need to remember there are no magical solutions. This is a long term thing.       I get pains in my liver area and on the left side of my chest. I don't report every single symptom I have because there's not much the internist can do with so many symptoms that make so little sense. And I'm afraid of doctors. I failed to show up for the internist and for the stomach doctor. Because I know the medical staff is uneasy around me. And perhaps they have reason to.      I need to be honest. Or this could end badly. And I don't want it to all be about me. There are other people that need help. And the kids need a turn. But I reopened accountec and I'm going to try to go out more. I need to use my earplugs, so that I don't hear too much. ...

    I need to be careful. I've been scaring people again. Thinking about the time I bought the gun and being angry about March's hospitalization yielded bad results. I had a bad fantasy. I need to be careful about telling people about these fantasies. They scare people. I like people. I really do. I care about them. I can't scare them anymore. It wears on them.      I need to stay away from the prescription drug excesses. And I need to get rid of that ritalin. I never gave it back. I have a chance to have a life. But I need to stay away from excessive medication and bad psychiatry. Because I like people. Sometimes I get into denial after so much mixed-up reality. I want this to be a happy story. I want MIP to be glad. Glad that we made it. But my energy is low. My body gives me the impression, from the various tingling and headaches and lack of sleep and pain and nauseas and etc that it has limited capacity for stress. I can't push it too hard.    ...