Darkness Until Dawn

Apparently, unless and until these hospitals and Psychiatrists agree, I'm delusional and cruel and a liar. So you can treat this all as fiction. Though I don't understand why I can't quit if I'm simply delusional. But we're going with delusional. And they say I'm the wierd one. I'm the wierd one? You people won't leave me alone, but I'm the wierd one. I get to be so damn interesting. Public Health stay tuned. Local menace signing off. Nevermind conscience, we get delusional. Nevermind the people around me, we get delusional. No, its every treatment center from here to timbuktu and we get delusional. If nothing else, you'll understand the dangers of lots of different pills. That wasn't even a complete list. Crazy's overrated.

 I also think being honest is important. So I am sincerely hoping that the FBI is shutting down what I believe to be a racketeering operation in Greenville County.

I hope I am being kind by telling the truth about members of the community in my families. Because I see multiple state and federal laws being violated. I hope the FBI and Public Health are working with Springbrook and Vinewell to keep South Carolina safe for everyone. By Vinewell I meant Mindful Upstate but Vinewell can help. To me, one of the kindest things I can do is shut down a racketeering operation in Greenville County.

They won't stop wandering into traffic. No matter how hard I try, they keep wandering around. 

You know I can't do this without you guys and there's work to do.

When the world quiets down, I feel much more peaceful. I haven't heard from MIP or any doctors in a while. Calms the nerves. I even laughed a little. Tomorrow I'm going for coffee. Maybe then we can establish whether I'm of sound mind. I can bring the Ritalin. We can talk about whether it really helps. But I like my current meds. I think my quiz scores were lower. Sleeping is getting better. I feel like I'm eating well. I don't know who I'll have to talk to or what will happen. I don't know how this works. First time for everything. Hopefully the FBI is going through evidence. Identifying which professionals need some clean up. Who may need some secondary cleanup. They say there are victims. Of the medicalized perfectionism. So, they asked me to help. I figure, can't be a forensic accountant, might as well do some clean up. Hopefully, it'll be tidy. We gotta think of the young people. Give them a chance to shine.  Sunny came home with a list of name...

See, I was afraid of these doctors. They keep finding me and trying to drug me into silence. But some people won't let that happen. Because they say there are other victims. So the hospital has a problem. And now the FBI is here.  I was afraid to go to the Sheriff about the harassment and the drugs. I was afraid to go state. Some people are very connected. I needed Timmons to give me some confidence. I needed the medical board. I needed the records. The hospital with the name on the building, it's got a federal problem. There's a lot of laws in question. People are concerned. Others are trying to cover it up. Greenville County has a problem. Some people are angry about it. But I trust my childhood friend from the health dept. I trust the FBI. Some people want the drugs to stop. The medicalized perfection. They have asked me to say something. The name on the building thing. And I am very concerned. After two comas, I should be. That's why I say, dead or alive, it will st...

I like Vinewell. Maybe we get too comfortable. It started to feel like an mip thing. Especially since some of them work there. It started to feel too comfortable. Plus I was making ruby slippers nervous. She was sweet. Then I had another lady. We had a good groove. Maybe my allergies were just getting too bad. Maybe they got tired of seeing me. I never spoke to the doc but I saw him from time to time. Maybe I'm oversensitive. I like simple. I don't like know it alls. I never asked to hug them either. I did ask about that mip nurse once. The one that liked the poem. She was nice. It's funny how they get so worked up over I'll listen to. What I do. Im a 43 year old disabled guy. Not that important. Maybe I'll go back to taxes. Or teach. Some people just don't know how to shut up. Elle was never like that. Always the right words at the right times. So yeah I switched. I turned against liberalized medicine. Against too many pills. They forced me to. That's why I...

     Ok, maybe contacting the FBI was excessive. Been a side effect off excessive education (psych/it/cj/business/tax) is a knowledge of what these people are capable of. So I guess being tired of doctors and being pushed too hard can have unexpected results.       Anyways, I've liked my internists. Which is part of why my old one couldn't keep me. The counselors office and the internist became safe zones. I was either there or at home. I need to stay the hell way from memorial. They hate my guts. I could have gone elsewhere. Maybe accountability is overrated. The old internist tried to protect me. But I was making people nervous.       Now I have the new one. She reminds me of my old friend. She doesnt say much. The staff says plenty. They like giving me those ekgs. Checking my BPs. I never see the male doctor, I just know he's there. I can tell from the way they act. Nervous and all concerned about appearances and distances. I lik...

I used to get bored more often. I do still get bored. I think i used to get bored more because of the chemical numbing, youth, and to a lesser extent genetics. It's just wierd to me the way the world is changing. Politics has become so odd. I think the increase of technology and communication make information spread more quickly, and that contributes to polarization and chaos, along with gridlock. It's impossible to be a moderate when you instantly get very detailed and high volume feedback. Technology puts everything and everyone under a microscope. And I actually like people. I dont understand the micro examination of others. Pushing people too hard or being overly critical decreases stability and increases danger. Silence can be deafening but noise can be agitating. The idea of studying someone to death is particularly bizarre. Then you wonder why they get pissed off. Maybe autism is simply a function of increased education, urbanization, and increased technology. Maybe it s...

     We have to take turns. Especially in letting younger people have a chance to experience life. When People try to draw me out it worries me. I'm not actually a Satan Worshiper. People just scare me sometimes.      I don't think it's healthy for people to be afraid to go out in public. Regardless of their appearance. Yet in the pharmacy, at the grocery store, at fast food, at the library, I attract eyes and ears, and I get comments. I know people get to have feelings, and I do understand a little about gossip, and how written word and spoken word can be distorted as they travel from person to person. How appearances, smells, and tactile sensations can be distorted even from one to person to the next, but particularly as those impressions travel via gossip. Being bad at communicating and being pushed too hard or in unwanted directions are all different things. How does one person's words or actions travel so far so fast? It's amazing. Never mind signal fi...

It literally has been five years since I have seen or spoken to either the nurse or the psychiatrist. Boundaries did get misplaced with both. THC was indeed recommended by the psychiatrist. Somethings are unfortunate sometimes, but I'm not sure which is which. I do like people. So did they. Sometimes people just need to drop their stones. I need to focus on things other then drugs (prescription or otherwise). There is an ocean of research on trauma, polyvagal theory, stockholm syndrome, things like that. You just have to choose not to ignore it. We all have choices. I need to FOCUS on domestic skills and writing... maybe taxes if the office doesn't get too excited about my skills and I end up doing 180 returns. Maybe first I can finish my own taxes. Stupid 1099-Q or whatever it is. The cat's doing well. My printer occassionally disconnects and the IT sometimes glitches and I'm really not that interested in IT anymore. Maybe we can all be a little less paranoid if we wat...