Darkness Until Dawn

      I don't understand the world so well. I'm trying to encourage others. Here I am, going from hospital to hospital, Center to center, looking for some sort of insight in order to live some sort of life I've never had and at my age it does not make sense. I don't even like money that much. I see all this greed and the fast pace, and it makes no sense to me. I thought I wanted a faster life, but I don't see it. I don't see it realistically happening. If I'm getting threatened with insurance fraud and jail just for showing up for help, then something is wrong. Somewhere I'm missing the boat, all labels aside. I'm looking towards eastern medicine and trying to go maybe 1/3 the pace of the next person because it's better to go 1/3 as fast and take fewer detours then to go just as fast and go everywhere but where I need to go. At least going 1/3 as fast, I might eventually get somewhere.       So, I'm redoubling my effort to cut every expense t...

      So, my truth, that MIP and a lot of people have trouble understanding, is that I'm not actually a drug addict, I've been overmedicalized, I have autism, I don't believe that Bipolar is accurate, but it shows up from time to time, I've developed special nutritional requirements as evidenced by my GI problems, I get angry sometimes but I'm not stupid, I communicate better in writing, and I actually like people. I'm not rich, I'm poor. I'm disabled. I sometimes lose touch with reality.       I'm going to try to give the world my best, which is my written words.  I'm going to try to make them really great words. I want my story to be... not a tragedy. The way it's been going, it's been writing like one for so long. I need to have patience and focus. I've lost interest in climbing ladders. I'm struggling to find the energy to care. I don't understand people that well. I think humility is important. I'm trying to find peac...

     I believe I've collected enough labels, enough aborted careers, enough hospitals and centers. I need stability. That's what I need. I need space and independence. I need to slow down and decrease the sensory input. I need centering. I do not need to speed up. Most definitely not. I do not need to keep jamming square pegs through round holes. I'm entirely too complicated. I need to simplify. The solution is not to go back to MIP or Springbrook or CCBH or find an entirely new place to fail at. The solution is to be grateful for the time and effort put in by so many. I am grateful for what MIP has done I am grateful for the time and effort put in by so many health care workers to help me move forward. I find bipolar to be unhelpful diagnosis. Regardless, I take the medication for the symptoms I do have.

      I need to focus on what's right with me, not all of the things people perceive to be wrong, otherwise it's a never-ending litany of accusations and counteraccusations. So, for now, people get my words, until I understand better how to give them what they want. I'm so sick of the carousel of blame.      It's time to breathe, separate, wish well, and find my own way. Otherwise, I might as well write myself an invitation to prison and reserve a cell. Maybe one next to that guy that sent the documents. We can have a good old chat.     Sometimes people are just bad in combination. Sometimes they need time away. I'll stay squeaky clean, so that no one finds excuses to interfere in my life. 

     It's frustrating for me that Congress decided to cut Medicaid. MIP is a Medicaid facility. I've seen these hospitals. They need the money. They need it. I think if we don't do it for the patients we should do it for the hospitals that need the money. I may not be the one people want to listen to on this but I've seen the problem extensively. Me, myself, I need to stay out. I've been in them too much. But there are people that depend on quality healthcare. I think they should get it. I think I should stay to myself until I manage to be productive without people threatening with jail and stuff and creating bullshit rumors about drug addiction and my counselor that I should have shut down a very long time ago.      Some young people, they don't have the sense to understand what years of problems can do to a person because they aren't old enough and haven't been through enough. But I know. Cuz I've been to hospital after hospital, and I've gotte...

      I want to contribute when I'm thinking clearly, and my mind is crisp. Otherwise, there's mistakes, and particularly in certain fields mistakes have consequences. It's not to say that I'll never be productive, but I can't be productive and screw up. It's not how you do good work and keep working. I'm good with words they say, I should use them.      There was someone that wanted me to use my words for him. I was not able to. He was a convicted murderer being beaten by prison guards and denied effective medical care. So many visits to the infirmary. He sent me some documents and then the Department of Corrections contacted me, told me to stay out of it. I met him through a woman on a dating site. I wasn't really feeling in a position to take on the Dept of Corrections. I looked at the documents. There were definitely a lot of infirmary visits. I wasn't exactly planning on being an investigative reporter. Maybe I intimidate easily. But then again ...

     Getting Proper nutrition in a Hospital can be difficult. They don't always have the best options. I liked that SpringBrook made such an effort to separate the vegetarian option from the regular options and was diligent about advertising and providing those options. I liked that MIP had such advanced nutrition education. I've developed GERD, hyperglycemia and idiopathic constipation, so I think it's important to pay attention to diet.      Personally, Brown rice is one of my favorites. I also consume a lot of whole grain bread. I've gotten better with the veggies. I'm doing the Kale smoothies with the Chia seeds. I don't honestly get that bored with a consistent diet. I like consistency. Too many choices create risk, and my dx list is becoming a mile long.      I have been frustrated. But the shut up and learn from those who do better hasn't been working. So I'm being more selective. I've been a little slow to decrease expenses. But so ma...

     I'm trying to orient to my new reality. The one in which MIP thinks I'm a drug addict and we keep moving dx's around. I mean, they're just labels. But I'm finding that this whole remote thing is working better for me. I show up only when absolutely necessary, and they don't have to fuss and freak so much. I just do the check in's, I look for work, I do the healthy eating at home (much more possible), I do the meds by myself so long as walgreens manages to not **** up... everything is groovy. I ignore symptoms I can't make sense of, like weird headaches, body sensations, that thing with my left shoulder that the internist couldn't figure out with the bumps... I reduce expenses, I go lean... I try to exercise and get more sleep, take very careful care of my sinuses. I stay positive.       It's my new reality. Broke, stuck with disability, not likely to hold a job at the rate I'm going, but still trying. Trying to get adsense with the progr...

 Spidey is a good Spider... instead of getting angwy, he gets a liddle higher...

  See me?

      Allright. Starting fresh again. Yet again. I feel like the decrease in sinus symptoms has allowed me to use the CPAP machine more, which helps my sleep and therefore my energy and just about everything else. I think the problems with my sinuses have been key and overlooked, but the shot and the debrox seemed to help. The change in diet and the isolation seemed to help. I need to hyperfocus on maintaining diet, exercise, CPAP, and meds, otherwise I'm no good to anyone.       This experience has been extremely humbling and distressing. I've felt somewhere between the metamorphosis and the invisible man. I only hope I can maintain my health, because I want to contribute. I need cleanliness, patience, discipline.