Darkness Until Dawn

So I rather regret filing a report with the FBI. I have a sneaking suspicion that my report is very related to the internet disruptions and password reset requests that day. So my professionals are getting used to having conversations with state and federal agencies... the local police can breathe a sigh of relief. The same people that want me to shut up know county and state officials pretty damn well. Extremely well. Unfortunately they can't control the medical board or federal officials... but I'm not law enforcement I'm just pissed off. So again, it's really a bad idea to know me unless I contact you. It attracts the wrong kind of attention. Let it alone. Don't worry about DSS. Worry about DEA and FBI instead. I'm trying to keep myself physically intact and mentally functional, help the local hospitals figure out how we got into this mess. Keep people safe. And maybe the federal government doesnt mind so much giving me some disability and some insurance, if ...

Almost every time I talk to a non-professional who knew the medicated me I get the distinct impression that people want me to shut the hell up and medicate. Such desires have side effects. Insisting on seeing someone through a lens of medicated perfection is a distortion of reality. I get it. I kinda liked the old me. But that's how I got here. Medically complex, permanently disabled unless I learn to deal with emotions differently (near as an honest professional will tell me), unable to maintain relationships... unable to maintain jobs... a medicated perfectionism. Oh, you'll be damn strong... miserable, and unstable. You have to deal with the emotions and set boundaries, or you'll drown in pills and anger and there will be no help for you on this earth. So I strongly advise anyone who knew the old me to avoid contact unless I contact you. Oh I'm full of ideas, you made me that way... not all of them are good ones... the local hospitals and I are engaged in some learni...

What am I grateful for? Knowledge... People... Food... Home... Rest... Spring... Peace.

I'm seeing good signs... the hypersensitivity seems slightly less. My body feels more present. I feel more aware of people around me. Slightly less lost in my mind. The depression seems milder. The energy a little low but more consistent. The anxiety and anger still seem a little high. Blood pressure still elevated. Heart feels a little wierd with periodic mild chest pain. Allergies... less congestion, more airway constriction, especially in the sinuses. Hands and feet are sensitive. Joints pop a lot. Forehead, gums and face have pain at times. Forehead is changing a little. I can only imagine that the neural networks in the prefrontal cortex are adapting. Some of the bizarre thoughts have faded with some of the more unpredictable physical sensations. Though I think avoiding certain memories and people is still wise. Chronic inflammation from over medicalization, numbedness, lack of processing. I'm rinsing with warm salt water. Some exercise, and continued nutrition and routine...