Darkness Until Dawn

For someone who doesnt actually do all that much, i find the attention I recieve rather bewildering. I just need to rejigger my priorities, clear memory, focus. Quieter life is nice.

So, I got caught up in the pills talk and the pressure. I can't do that again. Stay away from the pills. I'm serious. As few as possible. 

So back to forgiveness, I think if everyone just cuts each other a break, minds their business, it's quite possible. That does mean respecting privacy, not stealing, not threatening. Not lying to people's faces. Maybe less gossip. Less intimidation and God complex stuff.

So its kinda embarrassing but this is my life. I need to find my hammer and see if the futon is repairable or junk. Writing to do, house to maintain, it to fix, taxes to file. Exercise. Maybe improve recall. Spend more time in kitchen. Less time planning legal action. More important things. More fiction. Less advocating. Advocating tiring. Maybe someday I'll take one of those CCTP tests. Put my psychology to use. So many tests. Taxes gets old though. I hope public health is learning. 

Some people, you can tell them the truth 20 different ways and all they hear is blah blah you're right. I agree. Let's do it your way. So now I just tell the whole world my lies and delusions and I let them judge. If thousands of people verify my words every month, the truth will come out. I'll be safe. The BS will stop. We can all sit down.

Anyways, this talk of protecting people and victims makes me nervous. Then arson says studied... and I thought, well why not. Let them study. Let them decide. I'm not the one talking about victims and protecting someone regarding pills. So now I Let the fbi and people decide. And hopefully I can stay in my home. I'm tired of this.

Anyways, after Ccbh... harassing phone calls, some doctors being inappropriate. There was just one I recognized. And I can't quite be 100% sure. But I believe it was the one to one that was there when they told me to kill myself. So now the fbi stands in-between. with public health. so we can calm the waters... sort this out. not threaten each other anymore.

See, I'm not actually trying to antagonize anyone. I'm shutting down some BS. That's all. Keeping people safe. Certain people in the community are concerned. I know they'll back me up. At City Center. Springbrook. IMA. Even MIP. So that's what I'm doing. In my own way. We're helping each other. And Public Health too. I know my friend. I know the type of person she is. And she will hold the line with the rest. I just mind my own business. Lower my anger. Try to refocus. Writing to do. Gotta new printer coming. the old one went nuts. Then I can do taxes. Take care of home. Maybe go out more. Once people get with the program. Find something else to talk about.

I'm far from an exception. Many people have trauma. They just don't talk about it. I talk about mine to shut down the bullshit. I got a lot of pushback. But the messages appear to be filtering through. Male, female, race, money, it doesn’t matter. Life finds you. So i keep harping till people get the message. Even if that requires FBI looking up my ass. Cuz I get tired. They may own everything, but they don't own me. So I'll just continue my little crusade. As long as it takes to shut these doctors up. To me, somethings are wrong no matter how well you hide them or dress them up. I'm glad I fired my ent. He obviously didn't work for me.  It'd be easier to be nice to doctors if they got off thier high horses and demonstrated some comprehension. Spidey gets frustrated. If they could add autism and childhood factors together, it's really not that hard. Throw in 90s era toxic bullshit and med complications and bingo. I know people of my generation get it. It...

Vlad. They're wandering into traffic again. Get Flappy. 

All healthcare workers, please stand down. Today is music therapy.

You don't know me. So keep your opinions.

 (We going?) Take me Oh no another nosebleed She said to stay off the slope please I said I swear that I'm clean Step in the wrong direction Help me... Guess I learned my lesson. I'm not myself without my medicine I took some Ritalin Wasn't a little bit Nobody else would rather see me finish it I'm fucking over it It always makes me sick Alone with all the things that kill me Do you even know the real me I don't need your sympathy Step in thе wrong direction Help me Guеss I learned my lesson I'm not myself without my medicine I took some Ritalin Wasn't a little bit Nobody else would rather see me finish it I'm fucking over it It always makes me sick (It always makes me sick) This is the part where I freak out Don't know what to do Said you wanted just a rebound All I ever do is shoot You don't want to see me geeked out Baby that's the truth This is the part where I freak out I'm not myself withou...

Revenge. It has to be about healing. But healing requires justice. And they're mad at me. Because I'm not perfect. Because I know their playbook. I know their secrets. I was thier buddy. And should I become credible before they shut me up... they could be arrested. The whole lot of them.

Regardless of what anyone says or does not say, does or does not do... Federal law is jurisdiction of every law enforcement officer in this country. So technically... if we have the evidence... there's actually nothing stopping me from going to any police department in Greenville County. That would get the ball rolling. If I'm credible. Then they would have to act. Sworn oath and all that. So... technically... less then a mile. But would they believe me. Would I be safe. Would anyone vouch for me. Against the doctors. It's not actually that easy to do. You'd think so, but they know people. So I guess i need to be clean and clear for a while. Before I go around making statements. And you wonder why im angry and afraid. Hmmm... I wonder... problems? Oh nooooo... he doesnt have problems... never... all in his head... the doctors just looooove him... I bet the next person that contacts me does so to protect the doctors. From crazy disabled guy. Gotta protect those doctors.....

I cant always fall back on crazy. If I'm going to law enforcement i have to be damned sure. 

I remember studying the bystander effect in school. A woman was murdered. Multiple witnesses. No one did shit to stop it. They stood by. Listened to her scream. Let the guy murder her. Because thats what we do. Complacency. We let people murder.  I guess the counter to that would be the Misunderstander or Busybody Effect. People that get involved in things they have no business being involved in. But hopefully I've thrown off the scent for the Force medicators and the busybody perfectionists. 

    S ince I'm the only identified survivor... I would have to file a report with city police, county sheriff, or the FBI... Given I'm told we have the evidence... I guess it's on me. To have... key members of my families arrested. I care about the kids. They know this. They use kids against me. That contacting FBI and public health would be enough. That then they would act. But I guess I'd have to walk in one of those stations... file a report. It's just that my family knows county sheriff.  They know state politicians. They're very vocal about who they know. But they don't know any federal people...

I'll be working up the courage to change my name with Social Security. And my family will be frantically trying to stop me. They say Stockholm syndrome entails a lack of cooperation with police. Go figure.

My family has been conspiring with woodruff road, McClean, and others to control me. To human engineer me. They own everything. I'm a prisoner in my home. I have no real choices. Now they occasionally threaten to sell my stuff. Unless I comply. It's morally wrong. I need you to stop them. Or they will run us all over and drive me further into the grave. Medicalized perfection. Human engineering. I know some NAZIs. It starts with my families. The biological one. The corporate one. I need you to stop them. Or they will never stop. Ever. You're going to have to take something I say seriously while I'm still alive. Seriously.

 I found some jokes about Europe. What's the difference between Swedes and Finns? The Swedes have nice neighbors. Recollection of an Old Joke In Hell... The British would be the cooks. The Italians would be the police The Germans would be the social workers The Russians would be in marketing The Spanish would be the military. The French would be customer service The Greeks would be housed with the Turks Why wasn't Jesus born in Belgium? God couldn't find 3 wise men in Belgium.

 Let's see. Social workers... Kat goes in the good people pile Sharon might have some wrinkles she can smooth out with us Records... 600 pages Roscasch test Medical board review Spring brook Ima Greenville k Vinewell Phds George looks clean Assmussen is filthy I think my clemson friends are looking well striped. The Stewart and her old boss. Lpcs Leaves is clean Molly's doing some touch up with the details tamy seems clear Mo is solid Psychiatrists I think its a beautiful day in the neighborhood  The Art sticks to the facts nicely Arson's looking a little worn... we'll work on that Small ... should be seeing patterns No clue about mcclinton or gullet Lee should be a Jean brand maybe. I think he has the righteous part well embedded That Indian "workshop" lady... she can see patterns Midwest looks good I imagine my dream woman has insight still...  Then the one that sounded... like intel I think. She can compute. With information. Yes... taking some spot cleaner...

People wonder why I need music. It's because I know things. In Greenville County. In Belmont, MA. A few small repairs. My Own Prison Cumbersome I believe Little Talks What's Going On? Just For What's this Life For Zombie You Oughta Know Eulogy Sober Pink, Tool Only Happy When it Rains Valjean Arrested/Valjean Forgiven Everything I Own Who Knew Whatya ya want from me BOSTON Hey Jealousy Fast Car Just Give me a Reason Release Me Yesterday

I can't do this alone. I need support. Help me stop overmedicalization and toxic stereotypes. Slow down the med train! I am not actually trying to change the whole world. I am trying to keep as many people as possible safe from DSMization, medicalized perfectionism, and toxic stereotypes as I can. I do not actually work in Psychology or IT or Healthcare. I do taxes when I can. I write when I can. I'm too old and too tired to keep this up. I can't divide myself among professionals or professions or interest groups. I need people speaking up. Saying that some shit doesn't fly. So, I'm just waiting on you guys. To start saying something. Stop the bullshit. Otherwise it never ends. ASHES AND DUST NEEDS YOU! To say "no" to doctors. Too tired for this shit. 

So, there's really no reason for anyone to be afraid, unless they have MD or PhD after their name. Because I'm pretty damn sure that there's plenty of South Carolina doctors who are sick of this Bipolar Bullshit. So long as people leave me be, and I am just a normal person in the state of South Carolina, there's no trouble here. But I would hope that people are taking my advice. Retiring or taking vacation days. Rethinking life choices. Rethinking DSM mania. Rethinking Bipolarization. Keeping insurance and recording legal contingencies. Shopping for defense attorneys. There's a few people who have a bone to pick. Interstate clusterfuck. Maybe I shouldn't have lied about the drugs. Maybe I shouldn't have lied about the coverup. That kinda thing. I have no idea why Malacheck is dead. Neither do the authorities. Some people are still alive. They need to rethink their life choices while they still can. Or it never ends. Until I'm dead and buried. Then other ...

Rage, Rage, against the submission to the overlords.  Maybe not all of South Carolina needs protection from toxic masculinity. Maybe it really is just me. But the end of bipolar and this medicalized perfection shit doesn't have to be ugly. I have to take George's advice. Bipolar dies when I let it die. It stops haunting me when I let it go. Clozaril stops being "my medicine" when I make it obvious that it's not necessary. I do have a few lawsuits to file. But that needs to wait. Because I'm one person. And the state of South Carolina and the FDA have a lot on their plate. And Clozaril is out of date. It's not used much anymore. It's long out of patent. So, doctors just need to be intelligent, use other options. I'll just have to trust that the doctors of South Carolina find their wisdom and their humanity and stop treating people like science experiments. Then they won't have to sue anyone. Their health can be just fine. But we got here togethe...