Darkness Until Dawn

     There were so many things I could have said in that ER. All the times I'd been there. Stretching back 30 years. I couldn't find the words. I was afraid to get near her or open up. She just sat and smiled. I didn't actually want to go inpatient. I just wanted to talk to someone. Have a doctor really lay eyes on me. I wish I could have said so many other things. But to be in those pods, no threats, no danger, no... uncertainty. I didn't think I was going back. I wanted to leave the hospital system. I walked in. I talked. I walked out. 

People are not made for love but made to be my toys I build them oh so carefully to rush unto my bidding Like a vengeful God I smite and engage my minions in my ploys The world it revolves around my name, and I am always winning I tweak my little playthings and I program them with care I am the worldly doctor, and as such, you must beware Should you dare defy me, I will rip your world to shreds Lock you up and run you down, drug you up with meds I'll make you into a liar and I'll threaten you by proxy, I'll stop at nothing to control your everything, even till you're dead, I'll run you up and run you down I'll play you for a fool, I'll rearrange your everything You are nothing but my tool. I am the worldly doctor, I know so much more then you If you're lucky you'll still be breathing When my game is through. I'll drag everyone that I can find into my twisted games I'll lie until the sun goes down if it gets you labeled insane I'll play ag...

Dear God,     I've been tested. I have failed here and there, as you know, but this is getting a little ridiculous. Please grant the health care professionals the wisdom and the humility they need to stop pushing Bipolar narratives and narratives about other professionals. I think they're getting there, but they may need some help, especially if my family is feeding them false narratives.       Grant the Health Department of the good State of South Carolina the wisdom it needs to stop wasting time and resources dealing with this little circus. To see that it does not help anyone. To see that if the doctors simply open their ears and close their mouths, they might save themselves some time and grief.  Grant them the wisdom and the patience to keep my medicine filled. Thank you for the things that help me be what you intended and to follow your plan. Thank you for the strength, patience, and fortitude to wade through this nonsense. I really don't enjoy m...

Dear Psychiatry,     The 90s are over. It's time to move into the 21st century. To that end, I would like to summarize and reiterate a few key points. Autism is very real and affects about 2.8% of the population, including me. ADHD is very real, and affects about 11.8% of kids and 4.4% of adults, including me. HIPPA is very real and is important for keeping medical records valid and useful. Without reliable medical records, we cannot take good care of the population. It's important that patients are able to have trust in their providers.      I am guilty of relying strongly on medication. This is not the same thing as drug addiction. I have at times expected too much of medication. Medication can be very dangerous. I hope to take mine safely and privately.      I do not know what the future holds, but I need it to look different from the past. It is not my responsibility to educate the world on how medication can be safely used or misused. It is n...

    Kenzie works in IMU. She didn't say much. She just laughed and laughed. I think laughter is great medicine. 

  Dear Elle, I'm sorry. That i scared you. You always kept me safe. I hope you understand.  Love, Sarah

Dear Leaves, I hope that I'm doing this right. I've had headaches and nausea, anxiety, trouble sleeping, lack of energy, lack of focus, lack of medication, lots of frustration... this has been exhausting. Trust is so hard sometimes. So very hard. My perception is changing. I hope I'll like myself when the dust settles. Sometimes I worry that I might say or do something I will regret. I feel very, very afraid to talk to people. It seems like I never know what to say. Sometimes conversations just stop, and I never figure out what went wrong. I can't stay this way forever. This earthly purgatory is running me into the ground. Sometimes death seems inevitable. It seems just weeks or days away. I feel confused much more often than clear, but that's nothing new. I need to find a better way. Ashes

      Perfectionism can be an ugly thing. That person who cannot accept anything unless it just right. From the boss who wants reports in detail and pretty handwriting with all the gushing and fakeness and idealization of the job and the organization from the hospital that tries to mold patients into perfect citizens without any real concept of humanity, life can be beautifully ugly at times. People will always find something to criticize NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. It is human nature to find imperfection. It is human nature to complain.      But where does perfect become too perfect? Where is the line on good enough? Do I look attractive enough? Healthy enough? Happy enough? Do I have enough money and status symbols? Does my family echo the very model of perfection regardless of the reality? Do I prattle on with excessive words about how great I am long after it is clear that no one is listening? Some people do. Here I am, in earthly purgatory to expunge my sin...

    Hospitals are magnets for potential abuse. You get that many people having a hard time having it together and you have a recipe for disaster. Close quarters, lack of privacy, competing interests... all kinds of unhealthy behavior come out.      Take MIP, for example. I know for certain you would not believe me if I described to you the degree of targeting that occurred. Was I given a chance to apologize to the nurse for contacting her that ONE day a VERY VERY LONG TIME AGO when I wasn't feeling well and I was wanting her to protect me like she had before? Did they even ask once why I contacted her? Did they even give a shit or were they too interested in taking out their anger, from patients to nurses to techs? No. They were not. No, I was not given a chance to apologize to her or to explain why. They want to turn hospitals into toxic messes, they certainly know how. It's called Targeting. It doesn't matter why you're having a bad day. Maybe you're depressed...

 I know leaves would be proud. Because im doing the processing she tried to help me with. She would be proud. 

Meg smiled last time. She was nice. Gentle. Dats what Spidey likes about his women. Berry gnice. Dey gno Spideys a good arachnid. She's so preddy. Smart. She takes good care. Spidey gnice too. The doctors make spidey nerbus. 

      Healthy Ethics in Healthcare is important.  #1 If you do a crappy job, you don't help the patient, and people generally find out #2 If you don't help the patient, then you burden other providers #3 If you don't help the patient, it increases the burden on the system and increases costs     So my healthcare providers and I are helping each other by communicating better. I get healthier, and they have less work to do. Providers that promote a reputation as being MAGIC MAKERS or by demonizing other providers really do shoot themselves in the foot. People find out. The patient doesn't get helped. And you increase costs by stroking your own ego and wallet. 

 I hope health care professionals are paying attention. Here's a recap: Speak the truth. Don't lie. Don't threaten DO YOUR DAMN JOB RIGHT THE FIRST TIME Don't spread rumors or encourage them Respect the law at all times Demonstrate common sense and compassion. It's what your job is supposed to be about. LISTEN TO THE WORDS THAT I AM SAYING TO YOU. HABLE INGLES???? TREAT THE ACTUAL SYMPTOMS AS PRESENTED AT THE TIME THEY ARE PRESENTED. Don't engage with family members that have toxic behaviors. You're wasting your time.  You'll save yourself some embarrassment and extra work.

     What you might try is practicing what you preach in these hospitals. Good boundaries. Telling the truth. Proper nutrition and exercise. Not spreading rumors about one of other health care providers. Being ethical. Otherwise, do us all a favor and quit. You embarrass yourselves with your failure and your lies. Because guess what? PEOPLE EVENTUALLY FIND OUT. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But they do find out. Just food for thought. Don't let a few bad eggs spoil the bunch and don't be hypocrites. People figure it out. I'm not getting paid to help you out so you might as well take some free assistance.      Remember the old adage: Do it right the first time, you only have to do it once. You stabilize a bad reaction to Spravato without engaging in excessive bullshit, you save yourselves and your coworkers some time. I only have so many metaphors and so much resilience, so hope someone is getting the fucking point. Do your job right or quit. For the ...

Dear Leaves, Molly taking good care of Spidey. Ebbyday. Tell Gryps Spidey says hi. Ebbyting berry gnice. Di internist got di blood all bedder. Groovy. Spidey's women take good care.  Spidey

Dear Elle, I've lost my zing. Vhere did it go? I need it back. You didn't hide it, did you? Vhy do you haunt me so? You did not get worried, I hope? Volly's got sharp eyes, zat one. She keeps one on me, you know. Rest well. I think you earned it.  Fondly, Vladimir

  Dear Angry Mental Patient,     I'm glad you and the others are getting along better. How's the old body doing? The head have enough space for the 8 of you? When you sneeze, does someone come out? Are the sinuses ventilating well, or is it getting hot in there? If Jess takes her clothes off, is it sexy or is she truly invisible? So many questions! I have such a curious mind. I sent in the pills you ordered, just eat them slowly.      On brighter news, I talked to Elle and she got your messages. She talked to the others like you asked. There was a bit of resentment, but they understand. I hope you don't take it too hard. Spravato is new, the looking up thing happened a long time ago. She'll be ok. The staff can't wait to see you again. They'll even throw in a pair of free scrubs and an honorary name tag (That doesn't unlock the doors. Nice try.) Oh, and Peytlin got the soccer balls. I'll say hi to Arson for you. Coffee

 Dear Elle,     Maybe the time to get better at this was high school. Maybe I'm just good at overthinking. I have to find larger purpose. You know I do pray sometimes. I prayed in MIP, even as the jackals berated me. I prayed in McLean, as I walked the dark halls. Sometimes bad experiences can drive people with the same force and intensity as good ones. I'm reminded of the Count of Monte Cristo, one of my favorite stories. My focus seriously isn't as good as it used to be.      I trusted you, I relied on you. You never let me down. You know what I regret? I regret thinking that I had to be the name. So obsessed with how things appeared. Now I find myself rejecting that, running to the solace of the shadows, finding freedom in being unknown because known simply wasn't working out that well. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. Ashes

Dear Elle, I just wish you could see that there's more to me then what you knew in the hospital. So much more. I'm not just some crazy guy on meds that you took care of. I'm more then that. I wish you could see. I remember sitting with you in the gym. You had the reports you were writing in that pretty girly print with the colored ink. You didn't mind that I didn't go play with the others. I would sit and talk to you. While you wrote report. I trusted you. I'm glad you were there. Truly yours, Ashes

You know that love is meant to be A gift of grace that lasts forever And I'm glad you were there by me To help me keep myself together You should know, everywhere I go Always on my mind, in my heart In my soul You're a leader in my life You're the inspiration You give reasons for my life You're the inspiration Wanna have you hear me I wanna have you hear me sayin' You were there when I needed you, it's true And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see How you helped keep me together And I know that could not be just me Whom you helped to learn to shine You should know, everywhere I go Always on my mind, in my heart In my soul You're a leader in my life You're the inspiration You give reasons for my life You're the inspiration Wanna have you hear me I wanna have you hear me sayin' You were there when I needed you, it's true And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see How you helped keep me together And I know that could not be jus...