Darkness Until Dawn

 

I need to find new things to focus on. Because I need to be able to relate to others. Though I feel I need to be careful about trust. These past several years have been disorienting. I used to recognize myself. That was a long time ago. Maybe 6 years. 2019. Before Leaves of September. 

Dear Elle, I just wish you could see that there's more to me then what you knew in the hospital. So much more. I'm not just some crazy guy on meds that you took care of. I'm more then that. I wish you could see. I remember sitting with you in the gym. You had the reports you were writing in that pretty girly print with the colored ink. You didn't mind that I didn't go play with the others. I would sit and talk to you. While you wrote report. I trusted you. I'm glad you were there. Truly yours, Ashes

 Instead of wings, I cooked drumsticks. <sigh> I thought they looked a little big.

 I feel like my life used to be different but maybe it was the same. I dont honestly know. It seems like the past was another lifetime.  I worry what will happen to me. I'm worried if I will survive. If I'll ever have a family. I guess I assumed I would. But I'm getting old. Running out of time.

 

     I remember the Annex. The part of the ER that they kept people until there was a bed available. It's gone now. I remember the kid's unit, which became IMU, which I also remember. I remember Elle being with me on one of my first suicide watches. I remember her intaking me at the desk in the atrium area after my 2nd attempt and the long stay in the annex. I remember the ECTs. I remember all the doctors. I remember so many of the staff. I remember the grounds. I remember all the rooms. I think of that place almost every day. It was my third home. I was telling the psychiatrists the other day. I could give tours. This spot is where I met elle, this is where I did this, this is where that happened, this is where the other thing happened... I wonder if Sharon's still alive. I know Bobbi is still there. I do remember. I don't talk about it but I remember. 

I'm making a small feast. There's chicken wings, potato salad, brussel sprouts, chips, and salad with watermelon.

     I hope that the hospitals and I can understand each other better because I know someday, I will get sick and need to go to the hospital. Hopefully not anytime even remotely soon. If I liked chaos and conflict, I would have become a hardened criminal. I don't chaos and conflict. I don't like filing reports or talking to police. I'm an accountant. I don't need that kind of excitement. I didn't expect it to be so difficult to exercise more control over my healthcare. But we're really getting into a groove with outpatient. The only thing that needs to be clear is that SPRAVATO was the reason I was in the hospital. I'm not taking it again. My desire for understanding cutting edge medicine has diminished dramatically. 

Community Integration Checklist ✔ Maintaining Home ✔ Taking meds as prescribed ✔ Taking care of self ✔ Applying for jobs ✔ Pursuing Business ✔ Writing Online ✔ Maintaining Social Connections ✔ Managing Finances

 I previously installed new flappers in the toilets. Today i installed a new seat on the downstairs. Shopping for a new seat for the upstairs. Changing the filters and cleaning the floors. Getting rid of some more junk. 

 

     Maybe part of the confusion around me with the whole "is he gay or is he straight" thing is that I am told that in part due to past experiences (from what I understand) I have developed in a non-gender conforming way. This may explain why I picked a female internist beyond just the fact that I was having a bad experience with MDs. Beyond the fact that she reminds me of a childhood friend. I was definitely having trouble with male practitioners. There are risks for a male having a female practitioner. But male-male isn't always the answer. Not to me. To me, it does not make sense, the rigid gender dictation. And I like my internist. She's kind. I do not do well with rigid gender enforcers. We tend to go at each other. That does not make sense to me. 

You know that love is meant to be A gift of grace that lasts forever And I'm glad you were there by me To help me keep myself together You should know, everywhere I go Always on my mind, in my heart In my soul You're a leader in my life You're the inspiration You give reasons for my life You're the inspiration Wanna have you hear me I wanna have you hear me sayin' You were there when I needed you, it's true And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see How you helped keep me together And I know that could not be just me Whom you helped to learn to shine You should know, everywhere I go Always on my mind, in my heart In my soul You're a leader in my life You're the inspiration You give reasons for my life You're the inspiration Wanna have you hear me I wanna have you hear me sayin' You were there when I needed you, it's true And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see How you helped keep me together And I know that could not be jus...

      Skye came to me when I was 17. She was there to help me. When I was alone, I always had Skye. She was quiet. She listened and gave me the words I needed. She was gentle and kind. Wise. Like an angel. I didn't tell anyone about Skye until I was 39, I think. But I put her in my stories. I put her in The Keepers of the Dragon, some stories I wrote when I was a teenager. 

    I feel these experiences have inspired me in some way to dig deeper into my compassion. I just hope I have what this world needs. Because you never know what comes next. No one can predict the future. We can only learn from the past. Hopefully, we're learning. 

     I feel like I have to remind myself daily to not expect people to understand. Just like some of the things I heard on Crisisline, SH, and JV seemed beyond understanding, there are parts of my life that other people might not understand. I can't expect understanding. What I can do is to keep my business to myself in the real world. The whole "don't spread your trauma" thing that MIP was going on about. I've got to focus on my writing and on getting my business going and finding someone. I can't afford distractions. I trust the outpatient team. That's enough. 

Dammit, she's breaking into hospitals again!

  Zee Hospitals will never look for me here!

 Please try to understand... He's not normally like this!

  They're onto me!

  Garlic!!?!? Volly, how could you?!?!

  Vhat Rhymes with Phlebotomist??? Agggh... the keys keep sticking!