Darkness Until Dawn

     I still don't see why the hospital feels lying and threats are appropriate. Or how that helps at all. They really took a giant leap backwards with that. But I can forget. I made mistakes too. That was a long time ago though. If they hadn't been lying and threatening in the er, it didn't have to go that way. But if there's a next time, Bon Secors. I'm sure they can manage to stabilize a bad reaction to spravato more effectively. Not that I take spravato anymore.

Dear Elle,     It must have been quite a shock. You know. 2020. You see, Prichards had been getting desperate with the meds. He took the prazosin up high... I don't remember how many MG.       I remember in October I got depressed. He said that the prazosin was probably causing that. Leaves was worried. My judgement was off. Then they had that meeting. Leaves, a supervisor, and my old LPC. They decided they needed more help. A co-counselor. But I was very unstable, lines were blurred. She said she was going to have to terminate.       I bought the .38. It felt weird, to have a gun. I never even loaded it. I was afraid. The minipress had dropped. It was like being in combat all of a sudden. adrenaline surge. I ran through every scenario I could think of. My previous LPC was not able to help. Clarity had disagreed with Bipolar and asserted PTSD. The meds weren't working. Doors were closing. I was at the end of the rope.     ...

 Volly, They're drifting again...

Hoping everyone has a great day.

      Then there was another one of those techs. I'll call her Khrystal. She was there past couple of times. I think I was afraid of her because she reminded me of Elle. Eyes like a brittle stone. Blue gray, I think. I think she had blonde hair just past the shoulders. She had this quietness to her. I only asked her a few things.       But I remember a moment of compassion. I was there in the main room by the tv. I don't know. Maybe because I had relied on her previously... She was watching me. I looked back at her. Now most people would look away, pretend to be busy, you know, hide. But she looked right back.       I was glad someone was watching. She didn't look angry or afraid. Concerned. maybe a touch sad. Nice when someone notices. Nice not to be the one caught watching. She watched the night, so I didn't have to. 🫂 khrystal 🫂 

 Phone: RING! Me: WHAT????

 

 

 

 A Fall Evening, 1996… The winds of late September were here, and the night was falling fast. As the day retreated, the shadows crept in, and amongst them I felt as if I belonged, a mere shadow amongst shadows. But I was en route to a much different place, admittedly with great reluctance. They asked me here, and so I came, neither interested nor disinterested in the event in question but merely compliant, because other than the shadows and constructs of my mind, they were my only true friends. And yet, from over a mile away, the roar could be heard, and I braced myself for the sensory assault that was R.S. Vann football. This was no small event, but something that was taken very seriously by nearly all of the Vann parents and students. As we made our way into the crowded parking lot, the glare of the powerful halogen floodlights was an unstoppable force, cutting through the night and granting the event the brightness of day. But my sight was not the only of my senses to be overw...