Darkness Until Dawn

if I get any more spastic, I'm going to have to stop talking completely. Or maybe I'll start answering the phone, 'Hi, this is crazy. Go ahead.'

      The doctor's appointments went well. The internist seems to find me rather odd but not alarming. I still feel spacey and anxious. I do feel mentally detached from reality, which seems to be the very definition of dissociation. I guess my desire to understand these medical people comes across as a strange fixation. But I spent so much time in the system that to me it seems natural to want to understand.

Spidey leerning about twust. Ebbyday. Di doctors leerning too. Spidey teech.

While you weren't listening I started closing doors I ran around the back Then opened up some more While you weren't listening I changed a few ideas I put away my fairy tales I tried to face my fears. You wanted me to change You found and shaped a mold You called upon your champions To bring me back in fold. You wanted to know everything Perhaps I didn't learn I chased the wrong directions And failed to grow and earn.  While you weren't watching I found a different way I found new things to do I found new things to say. While you weren't watching I changed the way I am I changed my view of the world I learned to not pretend.

     I feel that people get confused on loving and caring. Or maybe I do.       The word love is generally used when you care about someone very intensely. It is used to describe family and romantic relationships. Sometimes people use it for very close friendships or even coworkers. Others are very sensitive about how the word "love" is used.      When you care about someone, that is taken to mean that you value who they are. That you wish them good health. But sometimes relationships get mixed up, and people lose sight of what it means to care about someone. They might say or do hurtful things. They might fundamentally misinterpret communications or the essence of someone's actions. They might change their feelings about the person.      Then there is that concept of idolatry or idealizing someone or something. This can take different forms, such as Clozaril is the answer to everything or psilocybin/THC/DrugXYZ is the ans...

       I'm trying to find a balance. While also making my own choices. Hopefully I'm getting there. I have some taxes to study, entries to create, medical appointments, business appointments, etc to do. Hopefully we're learning. 

    W elcome everyone back to another work week! I'll be your host, Ashes! The Senate is debating the Big Beautiful Bill, which may cost millions their health insurance. Shall we set fire to our hospitals? Might as well burn them down, yes?

      Patient relationships can be dangerous as well. There was a patient at Springbrook. This one was something else. People tried to warn me. She was staring at me. So, I decided to try to talk. Not a good idea. First thing out of her mouth was how many jails she had been to. It was downhill from there. After that they decided that patients from different units were no longer allowed to interact.      But we had some good moments. I was there twice. The first time was better. The first time there was a sort of family atmosphere where people tried to take care of each other. I liked that. There wasn't the bullshit targeting like at MIP last time. There wasn't dipshits running around doing attention seeking. There weren't lies flowing like water.       But somethings I can be pretend to delusional about. If I need to. I can pretend that the patients wasn't toxic, knowitall, knownothing pieces of shit. I can pretend. If I need to. Sometim...

      Perhaps the hospital has to make assumptions. Perhaps they have to assume that Prichards didn't REALLY repeatedly recommend both CBD and THC. Perhaps they have to assume that their own employees don't admit to having used it. Perhaps they have to assume that my counselor doesn't know what she's doing. Perhaps they have to assume that I'm lying. Perhaps they have to assume that their own lying isn't harmful in the ER or in MIP. Perhaps they assume that threats are ok. I don't believe they are. Perhaps they have to make a lot of assumptions, because they are too busy to coordinate care (lots of patients) or because I am not fully transparent or because people in my families lie sometimes.       We all have different information, different skills, different judgement. And we all have our own history and our own responsibilities. I just get frustrated. So I have to isolate until I figure all these things out. Because I do know that my counselor knows...

     Counseling can be like playing catch. I just hope no one drops the ball. I like coordination of care because it helps people catch. I guess the hospital didn't understand. I guess my counselor knows the difference. That takes courage. I have courage too sometimes. Being in inpatient takes courage. Especially when people aren't working together. If there was a painless and straight path, I would take it. I want to focus on fiction, because this healthcare stuff is distracting. And then there's Accounting. It seems like a lot.       I did used to mostly just take drugs and do video games and intermittent work. But I started counseling to change that. I started counseling because the empty life revolving around drug carousels and video games wasn't working for me. Now, I feel like I'm effective with people. I'm more careful. I see drugs differently.      Telling the truth can be ugly. Sometimes the truth involves things like anger, thi...

     I feel like isolation helps sometimes. But I feel like I have to find ways to connect more. With the right people. As I learn about how to say and do the right things and support myself.

 

     The dark spaces of the mind can be frightening. The resentments, the angers. But I appreciate the good moments, when people come together. I have to save my energy for those moments. But there are dark spaces.      Starting this, I was sticking more to the light spaces and alternating with the very black. Now I'm more in the middle ground, with a little of each.

      Sometimes it's unclear how far one can reasonably go in any given situation. If you go too far, then it becomes dangerous. In casual conversation, there should be room for humor. But humor, like beauty, can be in the eye of the beholder. What is funny to one person isn't funny to another.      This is especially true with the psychological. But I do believe that calling a counselor a patient's girlfriend crosses lines. So now I have the two teams, each with men and women on them. And people can say I'm dating all of them. If they want to be inappropriate. 

      So, today I mostly thought about what I needed to do and did some straightening and self-care. Tomorrow, I need to do my medical appointments, some more straightening, and maybe some writing. I tried to write today but I couldn't focus. Between VNS side effects (trouble swallowing), sinus, stomach, and tired (almost no sleep), it wasn't going well. It used to be easier. Then maybe some content creation or working on my accounting. I practiced guitar some. I really need to get my ADHD meds back in order. I don't know if the internist will be able to cover everything tomorrow. It's only a 20-minute appointment. We'll see.     I feel like I don't have the desire nor the energy to explain to people about trauma and my communication issues. Just like Leaves and Elle cannot be around me, I cannot be around people who are not able or willing to understand me. I just hope I can thread the needle. I hope I can provide for myself and stay out of people's way unt...

Dear Spidey, Patients come and patients go, but arachnids are special, we all know we appreciate you even though our appreciation may knot always show you have a way with words, it's true we never knew the core of you you came here as a larva and grew And the world shall see your heart anew! don't give up your legged ways for there shall come some brighter days! - Elle

       I find statistics interesting because they tell me about the world like accounting tells me about a business. Granted, it's only 30 users, but my regular readers come from these cities. Except for the blocked locations (26.67%)), I can see my regular readers have been coming from US (~50%), India (~13.3%), and Sweden (~6.67%). At least, that's where Google is tracking them to. This could be distorted by VPN, filters, etc. 

      Another thing she said was to get out of my head. Now, to me, another way of saying that is less cognitive, less whiteboard like. I'm going to try to practice guitar and paint today. The cat's doing well. Maybe I'll take some pictures of the house. I need to get my mind out of the medical. It just makes the stress worse focusing on the symptoms.     I know I can't sit around living other people's lives metaphorically. I'm tired of that. I need my own life. 

       I won't say I'm crazy about cooking, but it's better than sitting around feeling helpless or spending a lot of money eating or eating poor quality food. I'm so tired of these hospitals and I'm trying to apply what I've learned. I added some beans and I'm boiling some brown rice. It's not half bad. I'll put some teriyaki in the rice. 

     You'd think I'm exaggerating, I know, but not dealing with your problems effectively has consequences. Now it's my chest. It's a burning sensation to the left of the base of the sternum. It resembles symptoms of an ulcer.       I need to try to get these physical symptoms under control so I can focus on writing and accounting. It means so much to me to be able to move someone with some quality writing that has more depth then these blog entries. I'm going to do more stretching and yoga, some music therapy.

     I think the good news is that what is truly important to me is coming more into focus. I need my own family. I need my own life. I can't simply please the biological family or the corporate one. It's not healthy. I need my own family and social connections. But to get there I need to improve my physical health, my communication, and my organization.

     I need to communicate more effectively. I need to be direct and decisive with communication. That's why I need to avoid the same people. Because I'm not communicating well. I need to do it better the first time. Because this has really gotten away from me. I'm not being clear. I'm not being firm. And it's been that way for a very long time. This indirect communication is so dysfunctional. It's destroying what little remains of my so-called life. I can't keep doing this.

     Honestly, what makes me Angry is i did not stand up to the hospital or my family when in fact the hospital prescribed spravato, mindwell failed failed failed to check my vitals before releasing me, and the ambulance picks me up and they blame ME. Not spravato, not mindwell, not the prescriber. Im the one who gets threatened and harassed, I never stood up to them, I never spoke the truth, and they bury it and blame me and my counselor. And thats why I cant talk to the hospital or my family. Because they are full of shit. They'll deny it till the end of time, but in fact they are full of shit.

 Barely slept at all. Today is a sick day. 🛌 

     I used to think that Anger was powerful and could drive you to accomplish great things. I used to think that it was energizing and helpful. But now I feel I am only seeing the destructive side of anger. What it can do to people and to dreams.      But the best way to fight the destructive sides of anger and recrimination is to shine your light. Everything that is brought into the light becomes a light. I need to shine light. I need positive change. Anger is not enough. Anger can motivate change, but I need to take it in the right direction. Revenge or destructive action will not help me. Meeting threats with tragedy does not help me.       I need to create a positive. By making the truth and righteousness in me so impossibly and undeniably obvious. By forcing people to see the good, the lies will die. I will rise above only by showing people in such an obvious and undeniable way that I am a force for good and by cutting out the toxi...

     I feel like I need to reach down deep, find voice inside myself to express more clearly what I need. I need to connect with myself more deeply. That march hospitalization was such an epic clusterfuck. They were never truly listening. And they knew it too. They got so frustrated. I need to be more direct, louder, clearer, firmer. I need to be assertive.

     I cannot find the patience for this. Particularly with the physical issues going on. It's hard to function. I need to understand what's going on with my sinuses because this CANNOT be normal. I'm having to take severe sinus around the clock without missing a single dose. I do not understand what is going on with my body. I do not understand. It has never been this bad for this long. Something is not right. 

 

     I've got to stop enabling people by allowing lies to spread. I need to shut down bullshit. I also need to keep my problems more to myself and to communicate better and manage them better. I can't expect people to read my mind. I can't expect them to fix my problems. Signs of Enabling Behavior and How To Stop Helping vs. Enabling: What’s the Difference?

      I need to stop focusing on the hospital. The hospital is not a person. It does not know me. It is a bureaucracy. That is by definition its nature. It has not spent long hours with me as my counselor has. Its opinion on my health as far as that opinion contradicts my counselor is worth exactly jack shit. Why I insist on trying to get these people to understand makes absolutely ZERO sense. They don't have the time or resources to spend to figure that out. Definitely not on government insurance.       In that way I can be kind to the people there. By recognizing the reality of their limitations as an organization. It's not realistic to expect them to understand. It's just the legal and jail threats that to me are completely unacceptable. The rumors, gossip, and bullshit that they circulate is completely unacceptable to me. To me it is targeting and harassment of its own.       So I guess we're even. I contacted a nurse outside th...

     Tomorrow is my big day. The body doc and the head doc. I want the internist to check for an infection. Allergies cant possibly be this bad. 🤧 I don't know why I feel the way I do, I just know its not good.but I need to be patient. Rushing my health has never been a good idea. I reached catastrophic coverage, so might as well get it checked out really well. 

     So where was I? Ah yes, Elle. So I guess mentioning her name in the ER was rather stupid. I suppose saying everything I did seems strange. But not exactly a criminal mastermind. But I really have to stop going to these hospitals. It's gotten absurd. I'm tired.      Anyways, she took good care. I trusted her. I gave her my name. Not exactly a criminal mastermind. I think it's important to be careful about legalized drugs. How they affect the mind.      I'm getting too old for this. I need to meet new people. I need to stay out in the real world.

Me: Eyeeeeee CCCCCCCCCCC Uuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!! Staff: Flee for your lives!!!!!!!

     Dearest Dr. Small,      Oh, how I adore our moments together—doz precious moments when di world melts away, and we delve into the labyrinthine corridors ob my basal ganglia. A berry delightful dance between vulnerability and aggression! Each analysis feels like a letter in our own little correspondence, where you wield your insights like a fine pen, crafting clarity from confusion.      Sometimes, I wonder what makes you tick. Or do you prefer flies? Do you ever find yourself caught up in the symphony of emotions that swirl around us? You navigate the intricacies with such grace. It’s comforting to know that while my thoughts may jumble like an old tune on repeat, you're there with your steady hand to help me rewrite the lyrics.      I cherish our banter about life’s tangled dycophonies—the highs, the lows, the side to sides. You’ve opened up windows to gardens of contemplation I never knew existed. So here's to more momen...

     Hopefully, It's getting a little lighter in here, because bouncing between doctorss offices, counselors' offices, and hospitals is starting to feel like a medical pinball machine. Today is Saturday, which means that tomorrow is the Christian Holy day. So, thoughts and prayers, y'all!

 

  How to not get committed!

 Maybe I'll just go to the hospital and be like... I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!! And the staff will be like... Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

 Dear coffee,      I have to trust that these people, collectively, know what they are doing. I relied on Spravato too much, I'm getting the right help. The anger is better; the blood pressure is better. I really am coming back. I'm trying to be patient. She's helping me understand trust.      I guess when people don't actually know how to help, actual help can look like insurance fraud without transparency. That's why I have to do these letters. To be transparent about what I do with my time. I do it so people will know the truth about DID, Bipolar Bullshit, medicalized perfection, and all the rest.      I do this s o that people don't make stupid assumptions about me dating my counselors. If you're not a Certified Complex Trauma Professional level 2 or higher (I don't know all the levels), then you really don't have anything to say. If you don't have the test results and the necessary expertise to interpret them, then you have nothing ...

     So now I'm learning about trust and "don't spread your trauma". I'm learning about lies and secrets. Though I'm pretty sure by "don't spread your trauma" they didn't mean write about this. Oh well. Because the fact is, I was misled. The fact is, in the 90s we didn't understand autism and trauma as well. The fact is, I don't actually have Bipolar. But I understand why they did what they did. They had limited options.      But trust can be hard. Telling people the truth is a risk. I had to protect myself. And I did. And then I can be delusional about the rest. It was all just a dream. A nightmare of a dream. I can't play games with these people. It's too dangerous. I also can't pretend I don't need the meds. Because some problems are real. Some diagnoses are real. Just not Bipolar.

     DIS IS SPIDEY, YOR FABORITE ARACHNID! A warm shout out to all di Black Widows ob di area! Be careful what you eat! It may just be your mate!     Onto di Wedder... Today will be anudder scorcher! Highs will be hitting 90, so make sure you hydrate!      In udder noose, INDEPENDENCE DAY APPROACHES, so stock your barbecue and prepare to watch di parade!

  Dear Elle,     I'd better hope I know what I'm doing. This is a different type of gamble. I don't know how much change is possible. But I want to believe. How much can I do? I'm trying to trust.     I didn't have much choice in the hospital. There was an agenda from the beginning. I could not engage with it. The staff was misguided and distracted by my past. The patients were hateful and ignorant. Not just towards me. I had to shut them out. Defense mechanism.       But it worked. Now I just need the follow through. Hopefully I can manage that. I guess you can't always protect me. I certainly can't protect you now. Maybe I can protect myself. Ashes

      The quality of my sleep seems to be increasing. I'm encouraged by the support I have received over social media. I'm going to keep trying to think positive because I know there are people rooting for me. Maybe not all of them understand, but they are rooting for me, and I want to make the work worth it. I'm getting in the habit of leaving the tv on during the day to reinforce a sense of normalcy and improve focus. I know there are people that want me to see this through, slow learner that I may be. This is my fight. I've got to be stubborn about it.

Maybe i needed to remember Maybe i needed to understand Maybe i needed to forget Take di hint? Spidey???? Nebber.

Dear Elle, I miss you. I trust you. I won't let you down. Remember, Ashes God is watching us.

2: Stop expecting people to understand 3: Don't spend time with people who pick fights

Relentless in my passion, I will not seek surrender Resolute in my reasons, I always insist to remember When the echoes of the past return to call my bitter name The memories lost and will I had return and shall remain. My companions, I must shed like the dregs of yesterday Though they mean me well at times, I must find my way Forward is the future sought, and they are just the past Gratitude I hold for them, but some things cannot last.

  Volly, they're conspiring aimlessly... Now zee legged one is at it again! Fly me here! Fly me there! Volly, I can't do this alone!

I've really not been sleeping much. And my sinuses are nuts. So im taking severe sinus every four hours. I don't know what the world wants from me that I have and can give. It seems like people always want. And never satisfied. They always want more. 

     While I don't like to get political, and I'm not gay nor dating anyone I find myself somewhat gender nonconforming. I find I identify with females more than many men. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. For starters, most men do not keep websites based on things like mental health. I remember the psychology program at clemson. It was at most 20% male. Accounting was more balanced.      Sometimes it makes for awkward moments. You think a situation is on a platonic level or the other way around, and suddenly you realize it's not. Or someone misinterprets something non-sexual as being sexual. And then there's problems. Especially when people are obsessed with appearances. And then every interaction becomes a weapon. Which is why I can't talk to certain people anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick of being micro analyzed by people who can't mind their own business. 

     Healthcare and attachments can be complicated. Having a father who worked in medicine makes things complicated. I definitely have a way of shutting down or going into a freeze state with healthcare.      So, I was reviewing the extent of my crimes. I ran a background check on a nurse and texted her, I hugged a PA (after asking) and her staff started referring to me as her boyfriend (and she was married), and this was after getting into a dispute with my ex-psychiatrist regarding medication. Around the same time, things got heated at the tax office, I was verbally assaulted multiple times, and one of the offices was vandalized, so I bought a Taser. I have a long history of depression and PTSD and sometimes say things that alarm people. So, buying a Taser was considered a no-no. Then that thing at 17. Threatened someone. 

 I think the appearance of perfection is misleading. That is why I do not correct all grammar errors or try to have the perfect website. I think it creates the wrong impression. I do not want to be seen as perfect. It's a bad idea.

     When I was little, my first dream was to be a cop. Just a low level, normal cop. All this working on myself reminds me of how I missed the boat on simplicity. Became entirely too complicated. I need to be simpler. Trying to be complicated isn't working out.      I mean, seriously, I'm trying to run a Upstate healthcare group, write, do accounting, find someone, do counseling, and clean up my relationships. If you consider all the subtasks, it seems like a lot. Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one. Getting rather angry at it.

     One of the blessings of my life recently is how seldom my phone rings. Life is full of distractions. People determined for one reason or another to grab my attention. That's why I like writing. You can pick it up or put it down. You can take it with you. You can put it away.     Auditory stimulation is much less voluntary. I mean, there's podcasts and audiobooks. I'm so tired of talking to some people. So tired of pretending to care.      I just want to emphasize again that I don't actually want to hurt anyone, and I no longer have Elle's information. It was a mistake. She was never in danger. She looked out for me. She's gone now. That's all there is to it.      I need to work on my recall and my thought cohesion. These weird headaches to me indicate either DID or TBI. Either way, I don't think that's a sign that more mental manipulation is a good idea.

      Artstick liked to say, you can't have too many cooks in the kitchen. She's right. But that goes beyond medicine into the psychological and into hobbies and general life. Too many people in charge is a bad thing. Too many influences is a bad thing. That Social Determinates of Health thing got me thinking a while back. There are so many influences that affect a person's wellbeing. I'm just glad life is getting quieter.       Hopefully, no one is going to push me too hard, and I'll be ok. They tell me I'll be ok if I don't push too hard. Slow and steady, not too much excitement. Some people are never satisfied for even one second. Unfortunately, some things are permanent. Unfortunately, mistakes made 5, 10, 20 years ago can have permanent consequences. The thing I need to do now is maintain.      I need to focus on building new social connections and my writing. Maybe when I've been stable for a while I can retake the EA exam. But I n...

Robin Williams Denzel Washington Nelson Mandela Mother Teresa (this one is controversial) Barack Obama FDR Nathaniel Greene (Easy one) George Washington My Great Aunt

       I feel like I'm becoming too grounded in that I'm realizing how dysfunctional life can be. I believe very strongly that I've been miseducated and mislead on what legalized drugs can do for and to the mind. It's not that I want to whip up hysteria or spread hatred, but I don't believe I've told the truth. I don't want to engage with back and forth's or frenzies of exaggeration. I feel like I need a simpler life. I want to bring positivity to the world. I'm not sure why people find me so intimidating. I don't actually want to hurt people.      I guess because I kept it locked up inside. At times, I pushed for the wrong things. I'm a rather determined person. It may seem like I give up but I never do. I may slightly adjust but I don't give up. I feel like I need to learn to adjust more. Some people can be rather private. Auditorily, I usually am rather private. It's hard to insert the right words at just the right time in a fluid ...

 I feel like im letting these people destroy my life by playing into thier mind games. That's what makes me Angry. 

 There was a helpful poem that mip gave in one of the groups. It was about not repeating past mistakes. Going down a different road. Thats what I need to do. Step back from certain relationships and stressors, not look to hospitals for fixits, find peace on the outside. 

  What's really ironic is to have so many people seeming so desperate for me to talk and yet so pissed off when I actually do. I definitely need to be much much more careful.

     It's really weird when one person has so many strong opinions and misconceptions built around themself. So, I'm just saving my breath and energy and telling everyone at once: I don't want to hurt anyone, and I'm too tired to argue with you. I need to focus on writing and working. Best wishes to all.       I'm going back to forgetting that the March clusterfuck ever happened. I'm pretending that MIP and I ended on good terms and that we're on the same side. Because that's what I need to do. Not like anyone from MIP reads this anyways.       I mean seriously. This is like The British (me) trying to convince the Italians (family) and the Americans (hospitals) that we all believe the same things and have a fully functional NATO alliance that agrees on everything. Just the fact that I need such a ridiculous metaphor to try to appease everyone says something by itself. I'm one person. I cannot possibly be worth arguing that much over...

 #5 stop engaging with people who never agree with you #2 stop going to psych hospitals #3 stop getting legalistic #4 stop trying to help people who don't want to be helped #1 they don't want to play #6 learn some new recipes #7 go back to the gym #8 don't repeat patterns

Dear Elle,     Maybe you have better words then me. But you knew me. Maybe you're not angry. Maybe you can see that I don't want to and did not ever want to hurt you. Maybe you can explain. I feel like a lemming. I keep going to mental hospitals expecting different results. It's really become bizarre. It doesn't even make sense to me, and I'm the one doing it. They wanted me to advocate. Now they want me to shut up. They can't make up their minds. My family only likes it if it's Bipolar and Prichards is faultless. They only like it if they can blame me/genetics. My world is distorted. It makes no sense. Maybe you can help them understand. Call off the dogs. Preferably before Monday.  Thanks, Ashes

     Ok, maybe a little less fixated on doctors and less paranoid about what they're doing.       So where was I? Elle was an RN at the 600-page hospital. The one that gets nervous about me now. The one that has the poem with my signature. That hospital. And yes, I ran a background check on her. And you can judge me for that. But while you're doing that, I need you to save some of that precious judgement for these doctors. Maybe in the 90s we had a higher opinion of what medicine could do. I don't know. But what I can tell you is, absent a lot of fancy metaphors that I haven't had the time or energy to come up with just yet, that a lot of mental manipulation and legalized drugs can be dangerous. That's my problem with the old guard. Elle kept me safe. She looked out for me. Never failed me, not once. She didn't overstep. She didn't go outside the wheelhouse. I was always safe in her care.       Now I have weird headaches, memory iss...

     OK, so my sleep and my focus aren't great and my regulation is still off. But I feel like I'm getting some traction in that I'm learning how other people are operating. They're starting to make a little more sense. Their patterns are a little more readable. That's a start.

      They're always coming up with reasons to bury me and Molly. Hypocrites.

     I've been noticing patterns. Now the Psychiatrists are running out of ideas. They're not focusing on hair color or Elle. Now they're alternating male/female. It's rather amusing if you stop and look at it. You do realize the problem goes well beyond me, yes? Y'all literally started it. You taught me the bullshit.     Ok, maybe threatening to shoot myself in front of North Wing was a bit much. I'm just tired of my families fighting over who I am.      Maybe we're slow learners. But I think we're catching up with each other.

     Why, no, the doctors don't want to kill me, they just don't know what they're doing. So, I have to help them understand...

     Why yes, yes I am. Do I care? Hell no, I don't like them particularly much. Thing is, I know she's right. Cleaning up my professionals. One Doctor/Doctorate at a time.

      I can't be the same as I was. I can't be with the same people anymore. I can be there from a distance, or I can be different up close. From a distance, I am medically perfect. Up close, I am anything but perfect. From a distance the world looks blue and green, and the snow-capped mountains white. From a distance the ocean meets the stream, and the eagle takes to flight. From a distance, there is harmony, and it echoes through the land. It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace, it's the voice of every man. From a distance we all have enough, and no one is in need. And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease, no hungry mouths to feed. From a distance we are instruments marching in a common band. Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace. They're the songs of every man. God is watching us. God is watching us. God is watching us from a distance. From a distance you look like my friend, even though we are at war. From a distance I just cannot com...

  Caffeine and ADHD: Is This Natural Treatment Safe & Effective?

     The better reasons to support Darkness Until Dawn include: learning how to avoid misusing drugs to numb or destroy yourself and others, learning what abuse looks like in all its forms, learning what toxic masculinity and toxic CBT look like, learning about boundaries... no charge, maybe a few ads if Adsense ever gets with the program. I'm losing patience. So tell everyone you know. Tell your dog. Tell your bartender. Tell the Chimpanzee at the zoo. Tell them about medicalized perfection and bad psychiatry. 

      Truth is a potent elixir. The truth shall set you free, they say. Funny how no one says that the Clozaril will set you free. So, I mix my words, I balance the ingredients. And I count on my friends. My readers. To keep reading. To understand the dangers of Bad Psychiatry. Because it's out there, waiting to suck you in. The drugs are out there and readily stocked on shelves. Come and get it. 

Dear Elle,      I've had my dark moments. I do know anger. But I will protect you. I'll keep talking. They can't shut me up. They can't help but read. But they can't choose the words I say. They can't choose their facts. They can't bury it with money and reputation. Not so long as I breathe. People will know the work of the magic maker Prichards and his enablers. And I will keep you safe from all harm. And they can lie about me. But I will speak the truth, and they won't shut me up. Yours, Shadows

     Ebbyday, dat Molly werks... ebbyday, Spidey weaves his cobwebs... waiting for di day dat my black widow arribes. Spidey keep his distance until people stop trying to step on me. Dey've gotten in a habit, so Spidey be patient. Wait until di all clear. Spidey berry patient.

  Dear coffee,      So, this is me supposedly doing "the work". You know, confessing my sins worldwide. I got tired of hiding the truth behind bipolar. Hopefully, it's working. I'm getting too old for this. I need to change. I need to stop getting stuck. I was trying to please my families. Worked out great, didn't it? Now everyone is pissed and I'm broke and delusional. But when the psychologist says I have impaired recall, I believe her 100%. It's like saying that grass is green.     Anyways, so Molly here decided to finish what Leaves started. The breaking up of my families. Telling you the truth. Getting me out of dysfunctional relationships and breaking the bubble of medicalized perfection. Yeah, if my memory was better, I could have moved. If I didn't, in fact, have DID, a very disabling and serious mental illness, I could have gotten out. It's a little late, I was miseducated. But I can still tell you the truth. The tale of a family that pref...

Dey bedder be lice to Spidey. Spidey werked berry hard on dis.

   Dear Elle,     I can't stay here forever. I don't know where to go. I just know I have to go.      Is it my fault that you're inspiring? And you never even knew. For 23 years, you never knew. Not until that last day. You see, Leaves had told me. She said, you should tell her. And so, when I came back, after all that time, that last time... I remember writing the note in the hospital. I remember asking you to talk.       You took me into that storage room. The nursing interview room. I don't remember what the note said. Something about you watching over me. Mentioning your name in the ER was a mistake, by the way. I don't know exactly what they thought of my trauma list. They weren't thrilled. Anyways. That's when I told you about Leaves and read the note to you. I gave it to you and you slipped it up your sleeve. You know one of the nurses in the ER was like, yeah he's got pretty words but...      I remember the nu...

  Dear Elle,     I know it must seem strange that I write. But there's a lot I haven't said. While it was ill advised to contact you, I did what I did. It is done. I held onto to some words for many years. Now you have most. Let me add a few more.      I met you in '97. It was night. I was standing in line at the old medication window, lost in my thoughts. Black as night. So very lost. So far away that I was barely still alive, barely still on earth. I could show you the exact spot. A voice came alive, warm and kind. Gentle. And still, I was far, yet I could not help but think to myself... I need to know this voice. There you were. There you were. I remember you said I must be new, you asked my name. you gave me yours. you told me about your family, your kids, and there I felt safe, and didn't want to leave.      There's reasons I'm still here. They talk about healing, about moving on. I don't understand what that looks like exactly. I'm tryi...

Fall is not far. It reminds me of my old friend. I met her in late august, I believe. She is Leaves of September... I’ve forgotten only what I want to remember I’m trying so hard to recall that September When we were building the world anew You saw everything in me, and I in you.   You taught my eyes and mind to see A world, the same, but differently You showed me how to trust myself Instead of trying to be someone else.   And though you saw that me so clearly And helped me to try to simply be You didn’t see what was before you Or the entirety of what you signed up for   Now I know I must remember And blow to life hope’s dying ember There is so much that I’ve forgotten of that fall The Good, along with all that I don’t wish to recall   I’ve forgotten the smiles, both mine and yours Yet I remember the goodbyes, all the more All of the big things, small things, and more I remember the sorrow and have forgotten the joy   I know you’re still out there! And I wonder,...

Dear Elle, Did you ever know? Did you ever realize how much you meant to me? Can you understand that? You were my Lithium. So long as you were near, I felt calm.  Ashes

Dear Gus, You may not remember me, but I remember you. I met you before I met Elle or Anna. You were my tech back in the nineties in one of my first stints at MIP. You were with me on suicide watch. I remember you because you used to give me writing prompts before my writing started scaring the workers. You had brown hair and a mustache. Glasses. You were quiet. Cheerful. I haven't seen you in decades. I'm sorry yall couldn't fix me. But... it was nice knowing you. Ashes

     Ebbyone, back away from di arachnid! Spidey's not angwy ennymore. 'Sides, cobwebs to weave, black widow to pind. 

  Beauty After Bruises I'm coming back to reality, but if the hospital wants to help, they need to work with my LPC, not against.

  My life truly has been chaotic. That said, after consulting with Psychiatrist A, who talked to Psychiatrist B, who sympathized with LPC B's fight with Psych A, and having LPC B consult with LPC A, then bouncing to Psychiatrist C, who moved me to Psychiatrist D, inbetween bouncing between Psych hospitals A, B and C... we may finally be getting somewhere, Though Psy .D. has still not talked to  LPC B.  This really is annoying.  Anyone else on the East Coast got an opinion? Meanwhile I'm trying to coordinate DUD with Accountec to get all my tax and organizational documents in place. 

Dear coffee, So the journey continues. Tell everyone I said hi. Another counseling session under the belt, and it seems like the plan is clear. I'll be staying on the outside. I might try the outpatient program one more time. Work out some kinks. Im going to have to dedicate some time to promoting trauma research and resources. We need to learn.  All my best, Ashes

     Wanted: One Black Widow, for mating and related activities, nest building, cobweb spinning, and other duties as required. Must have excellent communication skills, a sense of humor, and a down-to-earth personality. Nursing or doctorate degree a plus. Interest in History or video games a plus. No kickers, biters, or yellers.       Please submit letter of inquiry to ashesndust@outlook.com. Serious inquiries only. 

    What Spidey dudent understand is WHY ALL DEESE HUMANS TRYING TO STEP ON ME????? Spidey make nice cobwebs. Berry nice.

    Today, I took some time to restore my lantern. Maybe a little metal polish to finish it off. Then I'm going to put a scented candle inside. Put it on the mantel.

     I think I realized how I got off track with the hospital. I got too focused on the legal threats. What I need is that sense of humor. It's all about the focus. I need to focus on some joy and some humor, not a regimented idea of taking exactly this medicine at this time, etc.

 Dear Elle,     I've been working on getting this place in order. Have you played tennis? I used to enjoy hitting the ball around. That was before I got into pickleball. I've been having trouble motivating. It's just not the same anymore. But I try to remember your example.      The girls are so much fun. Everyday, we get together... Jess does cartwheels and handstands, plays games with the others. Jenn contemplates the greater mysteries... sometimes we take a break and go out. Ashes got some new lighters for the incense, thinks about burning down hospitals. It's great. We try to discourage him. Vlad's always flying around, trying to keep everyone on the same page... We've been having trouble writing. I think we got off track with the hospital. They don't like DID so much.      It's really a relief to open up sometimes, let us all out. We just be ourselves. Hard to do that in the real world. That's why we need to stay out of hospitals. I hope...

      Th is is yor FABORITE arachnid, SPIDEY! I'll be yor host for today's edition of DarknessUntilDawn!     In Healthcare News, f ive days ago, an outpatient hospital was approved for Patewood drive. It will be focused on providing top notch, quality care for non-overnight hospital stays.     More then 100,000 South Carolinians could lose health coverage due to a loss of health care subsidies in the federal budget.      Onto di wedder, the heat wave will be continuing until the end ob di day. Stay hydrated and watch your sun exposure!     Best wishes and stay safe Greenville!