Darkness Until Dawn

MIP 12ish? SB 2 Ccbh 1 Mcclean 2 Lost and Rigged 1 Spidey ... still heer... !!!

SPIDEY DUDENT KNEAD DI UDDERS! Molly look out for Spidey ebbyday. 

Dear Elle, I hope you are welle! Life has gotten quieter round here.  Still looking for work. I'm glad you were there. You just had a way. Life is different off clozaril. For sure. But i have a good feeling. I hope I'm right. Life can throw all sorts of twists and turns. We'll have to see! Your devoted fan Ashes

     If I meet the definition of addiction, then I've been addicted since I was a teenager. Antipsychotics, benzos, off labels, all kinds. Well, not pain pills, or illegals. When I say off label, I refer more to things like Namenda, Aricept, amantadine, Mirapex, gabapentin, minipress. Stuff like that. And I used to go to support groups for mood disorders, but that only helps so much. And it turns out I don't function without these pills. I struggle to see the difference to taking pills for almost anything and addiction.  Some people simply can't function without meds and its sad but true. Most of the people I know take medication for something.       I've also seen abuse. If you work at Crisis Line, SafeHarbor, Julie Valentine, OF COURSE YOU KNOW. HELLO!?!? Duh. Three and a half years??? Abuse can take several forms. There's emotional abuse, substance abuse, sexual abuse and physical abuse. Emotional abuse includes things like guilt or shame loadi...

      I've tried playing around with Ryter a bit, but so far I'm not thrilled. I feel that it dilutes my voice and makes me sound bland. I think it will be more helpful for when I have a passage that I know only very basics of what I want. In that case it can give me something to work with and fine tune into what I'm really trying to say. But as far as refining or editing what I already have or completely coming up with something from scratch, that's not what it does for me. 

     The thing about Clozapine is that it numbed me out really good. Which had both positive and negative effects. It desensitized me so that I wasn't as aware. Which is bad. But made me numb to so many negative emotions. Long term, it was not working. I wasn't processing and developing the keenness of insight that I needed to be effective. 

     I think processing is important because it helps me to be more deliberate about decisions. To look before I leap. Looking back, what I should have done before calling 911 was to take the Ativan. Or if I could have managed the er triggers better, I could have peed and gone home. Either way, stopping Spravato was necessary. Definitely. That stuff surprised me. I definitely feel more cautious about medication. But I'm glad to have more of a say in it then I used to. That sense of control is a relief.