Life feels like an amusement park ride that I just can't get off. Now I'm beginning to see that other people are getting tired too. We're all just spinning round and round and crashing into each other. I think a while back I talked about slowing it down. I feel like I just keep pumping the brakes but its difficult to make it stop especially when all the noise just doesnt dampen. The more time passes by the more the reality creeps in and the horrified I am by the past. 

    People are messy. They require a lot of maintenance and management and instead of getting quieter everything just gets louder and faster. I keeping closing doors and they keep breaking open and then its musical medications and backstabbing and manipulation and ceaseless and never ending games and its like living inside a pinball machine. The reality comes back again and again and im absolutely horrified by the past. The more I try to step away from people the more angry and spiteful they become, dragging me back again and again with thier narratives and demands. 

    Getting off clozaril happened 3 years ago, with a brief interruption. And some people will stop at nothing to obliterate my existence and make my life the very definition of "A Dolls house". It's sick. So pedantic and self obsessed, with little to no concern for my well being. And yet we play this game, and drag in half the county and virtually every state agency as if just to make a point. It's insanity on wheels. Never-ending charades... and yet... as much power as some people think they have, they do not control the law.

    Someday I will die. Right now im still breathing. It doesnt matter the lies and the labels and the parade of bullshit. They cant erase me. They keep trying, throwing trinkets and using manipulations and games. I'm still standing. These power plays are not fooling anyone or impressing anybody. They just make this name a joke and make more obvious the sickness behind it all.

    Some people will just never quit. Too obsessed with how important they feel controlling the world and puffing themselves up like peacocks, strutting around so everyone can see how great they are in their minds, and how pathetic in actual reality.

    Maybe someday they will quit. Maybe not. I'm not holding my breath on that. Ive got to try to pick up these pieces and move on.