Darkness Until Dawn

    Anyways, When I was on Clozaril, I was robotic. Numbed. Now that I'm off Clozaril, Life is much different. My sleep is more flexible. I don't have to worry everyday about whether I'll be able to get up, be able to function, or whether I will be too groggy to function.       I spend a lot more time and energy on processing and making decisions, which leaves less time and energy for everything else. I'm more patient then I used to be, more cautious. When you're not numbed out you're not as resilient. Stress hits you harder.  I've been putting a lot of work into maintaining boundaries and space, managing finances, maintaining my health, and working.       When people don't work at cross purposes, life runs so much more smoothly. That's why I maintain space and boundaries. I avoid unnecessary conversation with people that I don't have good relationships with.       The boundaries and space is like oil in an engin...

    A liddle more off di train... Spidey werk berry hard on Dis Dress Tolerance. Ebby day. Wuddent a fan ob it originally. Dat Molly teach Spidey a pew tings. Now Spidey werks hard at it. One ting Spidey learned was di importance of bacation. Not the kind of bacation that involves plane tickets or gas money... The kind they talk about in mental health circles... A mental bacation.      Faborite ting to do is go to the beach. When ebber life gets too be too dutch. Spidey just has vlad fly us down to the coast... Spidey needs to go again... enjoy di wabes... pick out a nice shell... go for a crawl...     

 

I've been working a lot. In a way that's good because it distracts me from the medical. Gets me out in the city around people. I worry about my mind though. I cant keep up with the pace. Then its like flying blind. Too many people trying to grab the controls, both internally and externally. I dont worry as much about an accident or physical danger. I worry about losing control. I worry about the autopilot. The dissociation. It's like sleepwalking. I'm worried I'll wake up to a problem.

    Back in the days of the slave trade, there was a frame of mind at work called The White Man's Burden. Of course, revisionists love to deny the history of slavery, especially these days. Unfortunately, the evidence of the harm slavery caused is overwhelming.     Earlier I posted an article on the UK mental health system:  Fragile Minds     In a sense, there is almost a Psychiatrist's Burden in certain circles... a belief that persons who have acquired one of these labels is unable to make decisions for themselves and should not be treated as an independent adult. 

     My life is like a weird B rated movie. My father did have a valid question: where is this going? Acceptance. It's going towards acceptance. To illustrate, let me rewind and slow the playback so those with MDs can follow.     The original problem was not as well understood in the 90s, but  Artstick was smart to send me to Springbrook. They specialize in Autism. It took me a while to accept and process the truth, especially with my family sabotaging me. In the 90s we didn't know as much about Autism. MIP dx'd it as Aspergers, buried it under the bipolar label that made more sense to them. My parents were very pleased with this. They didn't like autism (I could tell from the uncomfortable looks on their faces as I talked about it). They didn't understand it. Neither did MIP, apparently. Nor Prichards. The emotional dysregulation and the trauma that developed as a result of not getting the care that autism needs was misdiagnosed as Bipolar, which only made...

  Ebbybody lubs Spider! Ebben ip he is a biter!