Darkness Until Dawn

    I do think my life is strange. It took me time to put all the pieces together. There was so much mental programming going on. You want to believe that you can trust people, especially if they are your parents or siblings. I'm still trying to figure out what to do now. They loved Prichards. They refuse to admit any fault, but they have lied, backstabbed, gossiped, threatened, manipulated, and rearranged my health care at whim. They treat me like their property. And they expect me to love them for it. That's fucked up. And for what? To reassign me a psychological label? To put me in my place? What do you say to an unrepentant backstabber who just can't quit? What do you say to someone so insistent on controlling the narrative? What do you say to someone who is that hateful and calls it love? I don't know. You close a few doors. You give them space. Sadly, they end up driving you away. 

    Any real, breathing person has to build relationships based on who they are, not based on who people want them to be. People are complicated. Experiences build who they are. They are not robots or labels. It's difficult to have a relationship with anyone that accepts you only so long as you conform to a label or deny your own experiences and feelings. March was obviously an attempt by my family to erase the past and replace it with a sanitized version. It kind of reminds me of the movie Equilibrium or the book The Giver.      Like in the Giver, there are some memories that are difficult to remember. But you cant pick and choose your memories. You have to take the good and the bad. Antipsychotics don't actually erase memories. That's not thier purpose. That's why forced medication does not work. Denying experiences doesn't erase them. What it does do is destroy trust.

    Unfortunately, it's become clear to me that my family will never give up. I was thinking that they would see reason eventually, but they will not. They're set on restoring the narrative. I don't know what that means for the future. I thought there was a middle ground, but they keep crushing that middle ground. That makes my life dangerous.       They refuse to even consider that they have harmed me, preferring to lay all the blame on me. They absolutely hate the diagnosis, they hate my counselor, and they are still planning to destroy me and her. It's all in the details. They play games with words. Instead of saying we won't let you get the care you need, it's we'll let you get the "appropriate" care (the care they choose). Constantly treating me like a child 24/7. Prichards is still God to them, they are all holy angels who tolerate my faults, and I am merely the unrepentant damned who dares defy all holy Psychiatropy. 

    What really bothers me the most is that I didn’t wake up to my family's manipulative nature earlier in life. I'm rather concerned about the future, because there's no way to tell how or when they will betray me next, or what they say about me behind closed doors. This whole byproxy healthcare thing where my dad orders up a dx and meds for me like he's ordering a big Mac and fries at McDonalds seems blatantly illegal, but given that I have a history of mental illness, I'm broke, he's much more popular with the Healthcare community, he's been doing it for years, and he lies like a rug, I'm not sure there's much to stop him. Except that pesky HIPPA law.      I can't say I wasn't warned. 

System 1 Me 2 It's really tiresome when people work at cross purposes. It's exhausting. 

    Originally, I did not like blogs. Then I realized that my family and the hospital both check this site. Even when they don't listen to what I actually say. So I decided I like blogs after all. Maybe I've been a little angry. But I'm trying to let that go and focus on doing what I do well to the best of my ability.      On a side note, given that I've gotten comfortable with driving again, I'm thinking of doing some volunteering again. Either an animal shelter, a pantry, or meals on wheels. 

      The world is full of systems, subsystems, and parts. Sometimes it does treat people like robots. Even people are systems, living and breathing organisms that have needs and make choices. A person that defies the system will indeed get run over by the system. The system will even back up and take another pass to be sure all resistance is crushed. Some people are bystanders, others are accomplices or vigilantes, and finally there are the independent minds that either glide within the system smoothly, or jam it up like a bad gear.      It's not any of this is a new idea. However, when I was a medicated drone, gliding within the system rather mindlessly, I enjoyed getting along but I missed the self-awareness and the independence. The system, desperate to recover its drone, pulls out all the stops to drug it up and reindoctrinate. How many people does the system run over on a daily basis? How does it rationalize each of these events? With labels. Of cours...