Darkness Until Dawn

It helps to focus on what I do well and what I enjoy, and eliminate the rest. Rather then put myself around people who clearly do not enjoy my presence or spending time doing tasks badly, focusing on the people who genuinely enjoy my presence and dont play mind games 24/7 is the path forward. I dont like it. I'd rather get along with everyone. But I can't control everyone and everything. 

Well, can't get stuck on the past. You can only move forward. Adjust. Try to forget. Walk the narrow path. Someday I will die. What will they say when they bury me? Will they lie then too? Will there be any truth left by the end? Or will my life be the never-ending BS bipolar train, complete with supporting cast and extras? Finding out one day at a time. I need to be much more careful. Close more doors. I dont have the energy or endurance anymore.

This reminds me of the movie, the rainmaker. There's a part where the lawyer guy is trying to help the lady with her will and she wants to write out her family and at first he pushes back. But then he meets the family. He stops pushing back. Some people are bad in combination.

Ive been holding onto fantasies too long. I have to start cutting cords. Question is, if I end up in a hospital again, or have an accident or anything at all happens, what next? What will they think of next? What narrative, center, drug, rationalization, excuse, or lie is next? Where is the bullshit train heading? And how do I get off? 

The truth behind the medical bullshit is definitely becoming clearer. No one has given up. They're changing tactics. Watching. Waiting. Too convinced of thier own moral and mental superiority, desperate to restore prichards and bury thier mistakes, bring back the glory days when they drugged freely and buried the truth of the past. Everything they covered up with all the pills and all the shrinks and the defenses and rationalizations. their dogged determination makes my life all the more isolating and risky.

It's like the deepest ocean that I sink down into, as the realizations hit me again and again. No one has given up. They are changing tactics. The pressure is like hundreds of feet of water pressing down. Confess, thier eyes say... confess and become our acolyte again... restore prichards to glory... drink from the cup... give up your freedom and drug again.... repent... pretend with us... play along, we had it so good... Drug it up... give us what we want... please...

It's tempting to believe that people see you a certain way, or feel a certain way, or understand something. There's that longing for human connection. Sometimes the truth is brutal. Cold.