You know, I'm feeling a bit more like my old self. The dots started connecting. I was remembering my last ER visit... comparing it with my conversation with the PA... they finally figured me out! I realized that the patient observer in the ER was following a script. I could tell because the life events she described were so very closely tailored to mine. She even changed her story a little, which made it seem rehearsed. I particularly liked the part where she insulted the doctors. And the part where she reported a doctor for mistreating a patient. Said she'd been dx'd bipolar and went off the meds. Described a traumatic event and multiple personalities. Not entirely sure how much of the story was based in fact. Anyways, I'm trying to be pragmatic. I really want to write some more. But the hospital seems to have surrendered on Bipolar... whatever they actually believe... I guess I can finally relax. Do what Arson said... try to enjoy life.
Posts
It's time to work on my records a bit. Some budgeting and planning time. Taxes is always a good reminder of the importance of keeping records. It turns out I forgot to include a form with my federal taxes and miscalculated my expenses. Hopefully I'll have a refund soon. I'm feeling much calmer with this new routine. I'm going to need to figure out how better to divide between writing and deliveries. Build morning and afternoon writing sessions around the driving. I actually enjoy Cold Mountain much more then Gone with the Wind. So far The Black Flower is good. I think I'm going to turn back to Tales of the Attick, The Watcher, and All the Colors in the next few days.
I'm still working on recognizing sarcasm, but I'm getting disturbingly good at recognizing rage, contempt, condescension, smugness, conceit, and pity. Last night one restaurant was literally dripping with tension. The why is not clear, but the signals made more sense. I utterly missed one episode of sarcasm until this morning. If I'm going to continue living in the South, I need to improve my indirect communication.
I've got to find a place in this world. Life has become too dangerous since I peeled away the chemical layer that disguised the brokenness beneath. And now the world has this intensity as the lies become more clear. I can feel the anger of the people in the world. I can thier contempt. All the fairy tales fade away. From time to time it's brutal. I wonder how Artstick is doing. I really hope she still has some say in this world. Reality comes crashing down hard. I'm going to need a few rocks to hold onto. The past is never far. If I'm not careful, it will crush me like a bug.
Cents
I'm like a bad penny. People are like, if we just shine it up, it will be ok. Too valuable to toss. Too ugly to like. Course, pennies lose any more value, and they will get destroyed. Living in a family is a lot like having a job. The company goes through good times and bad. Every now and then you seek a rebrand, but the reputation still sticks. Everyone has a role and a place. Titles, even. Periodically someone is in danger of losing thier job, but then management realizes the price of terminating the contract. There's plenty of politics and maneuvering. Posturing. Power plays. Sometimes someone doesnt get the memo. I need to be careful. My job security is low. I can't afford a reorganization. We're going to have to cut costs. But if I keep overhead low, avoid outlays, who knows, I just might make it. On thin ice with corporate. But who knows... I keep my head down and I cross those t's and dot the i's, I might be alive and safe come new years... so long as re...